My Kingdom For Some Experience

Just did my first real closing, with MY client who I've been working with toward this end for, good lord, over a year now. It wasn't hard but yet, geez, it was hard. I was in knots about it all day, reviewing the closing agenda and checking the documents I had and worrying about the documents I didn't have and stewing about the fact that the inquiring phone calls I made to answer my questions weren't returned.

It's not the stuff I don't know that's the hardest, it's the stuff I don't know that I don't know. The stuff that I don't think about, because I don't know enough to realize I need to think about it. Like, I should have each document in a separate manila folder, numbered separately, all in a big redwell. I had the documents ordered, but not in separate folders, so at the closing when Lender's counsel would turn to me I would fumble around and rummage through documents. Aha. She has this whole system, it turns out, that makes sorting through all this stuff very businesslike and easy. Nice.

And I was off kilter. I didn't know what to expect so, for instance, when Lender's counsel asked me about a document I didn't have, I felt panicky and scared. It turned out the Bank person had it, it wasn't mine to have lost or misplaced, but because the whole thing was unfamiliar I rummaged through everything I had feeling stupid for a long moment before Bank woke up and said, no, wait, it's right here. And I had forgotten a document, so I had to excuse myself and call my assistand and have her fax it to me. I just felt like a big dumb oaf.

It was like being at a dinner party in a foreign country, where you don't know the customs or which fork to use or which thing on your plate is just garnish and which is edible. The substantive part of the deal I really knew, and when Seller showed up later and Seller's counsel requested that something new be put into writing someone handed me a legal pad and I drafted up an agreement that I felt really proud of, on the spot, and that avoided some pitfalls that Seller's counsel's wording might have gotten us into. It was just the procedure that I didn't know, and it made me feel clumsy and stupid and small.

When I got back to the office, after I'd given the client and his wife a couple of bottles of wine I got them to celebrate the deal, and they gave me a big hug, I was sitting at my desk all fried. The Big Guy came in to ask me about it and I told him how much I want to just have some experience under my wheels. I mean, I know this deal came out well for the client and the closing went just fine but it could have been smoother -- I should have anticipated some things I didn't anticipate, I should have brought a "cheat sheet" of numbers and things, I should have made myself a better roadmap of who would be doing what so I wasn't fumbling and oafish. Now I know and I won't be next time.

It will sound like hubris and I'll regret saying it but I don't feel at all intellectually intimidated by this job. Disclaimers abound -- there are lots of smart people -- but I don't doubt that I'm smart enough to play with the big boys. Probably a misconception but there you go, that's not where my insecurity lies. I've always been able to keep up intellectually. The hard part is just my ignorance. I'm ignorant of the substance of the law, and how it is used tactically. That, too, I accept and am not particularly bothered by. I have lots of opportunities to learn that, and I take them when I can and I think I retain the lessons pretty well. I'm ignorant, though, of the customs and practices of this trade, of the habits and the little tricks and the methods for managing all the little details. And I'm ashamed of that part, and not at all confident about it. I don't mind having egg on my face if I'm making a credible but losing argument, but I mind feeling like a doofus because my papers are all shoved into a folder and I can't find the one I'm looking for. I should have known better, should have thought it through, but I was too busy thinking about what the words on the documents meant than about how to carry them to the closing. I know myself, I'll always focus on that stuff, so the only way to get to be smooth and practiced is to fumble along learning this stuff the hard way.

Comments

[Richard Ames]

I'm on my 14th year of practicing law, and I still, regularly, run into stuff that I haven't a clue about (Hey, it's called practicing for a reason.) If I had continued worrying about looking foolish, like a did in my first few years of practice, I would have burned out -- fast. And I did worry, a lot. I absolutely hated those years.

For me, experience has not completely filled that knowledge vacumn, but what HAS changed is that now I don't care if I don't know everything. I suppose this is a form of "Letting Go", akin to an alcoholic's admission to be powerless to the drink. I now know I am powerless to acquire certain types of knowledge until the very moment that knowledge is needed by me for the first time. It's unfortunate, but that's practicing law. When it happens now, and it looks obvious, I probably make some crack about my snafu or ignorance, everyone chuckles, the moments over, and no one, most importantly me, feels any distress or suspicion about it.

[Dave]

Amen. You should read Ernie's recent post, which comments on accepting your ingorance.

http://www.ernietheattorney.net/ernie_the_attorney/2003/11/book_recommenda.html