I Love You, But I'm Not IN Love With You

Autumn has nailed the distinction, I think.  I'll be mulling this over for a while. 

Comments

[JJM]

"I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you"

It's comming if she has the courage to actually say it. There is no passion in our marriage of 17.5 years, I find passion in work and hobbies. She keps me around because I make a good living and provide well and she does not want to work. I stay for the kids because thay are great!
I'm ready for it.

[Christina]

I heard those words 6 days before our 10th wedding anniversary. We were also on the verge of adopting 2 kids we'd been fostering for 1 year. We went through all the tests, and there is nothing physically wrong with either one of us, but we weren't getting pregnant, so we decided to adopt. He always wanted to foster kids, and at his urging, we signed up to this foster to adopt program in our area. We've known eachother 18 years. 7 years he pursued me, then we dated 1 year before getting married. We were so happy. He treated me like a queen, with love and respect. We were good to each other, no abuse of any kind. We laughed a lot, and just 2-3 weeks earlier were playful and teasing and fun. I was so blind sided and devestated when he told me. It's been 2 months now since he told me. He's already moved out, living in his own apartment. He says he needs some space, but I feel too much space will make it impossible to repair our relationship. He keeps saying he doesn't know why this happened, or what he wants, but then he says it's over. He seems very sure of that. He said the divorce word once, then later on said separation. I don't know if he changed his mind because he thought it would hurt me less or if he's having second thoughts. He gave me no reason except that we don't have fun anymore and he's not happy. He swears there is no one else. I didn't believe him at first, but I'm starting to. I'm trying to give him his space, but it kills me not to talk to him everyday like I used to when things were good. I miss him so much. I just wish he would open up to me. Tell me why this happened. And of course I want to hear him say that he is willing to try to work things out, but when I asked him, he just kept saying he doesn't think it will work. I haven't spoken to him in weeks now. I'm happy for those of you who did work things out. Part of me hopes we can too, but I'm also preparing myself to adopt these 2 beautiful children on my own. And I'm planning my life without him. If I am lucky enough for him to want to come back, it will be easier to make room for him in my life, than if I was planning my life around him, and then having to change my plans to not include him. Many of your stories have given me some hope, and I thank you for that.

[still in love]

Hello everyone. My first time ever on one of these sites. I've been trawling the internet trying to find answers to try and help me stop this endless thinking. The thoughts are driving me mad. I was told by my boyfriend 3 months ago 'I love you deeplu but I'm not in love with you.' this is not the first time we have broken up but the other two times it happened it only lasted 24 hours. He runs his own software development business and does everything himself - development, sales, marketing, training, presentations, the lot. Both times before it has always happened at the same time of year - June/July when he is at his wits end trying to keep all his customers fulfilled with their requirements. He has worked virtually every weekend since Christmas 07. We have a long distance relationship and it was making me very tired this year, trying to support him, drive both ways at the weekend, do his cleaning and shopping and then drive home and get up at 6.30 to go work on the Monday. When I write it down like this I can see that an outsider would think I was insance to have 'put up with it'. The truth is, he is a very committed individual, trying very hard to make a success of his business. I always knew it was going to be tough but this year the heartache of feeling that essentially I am alone most of the time has been very hard and I became very unhappy. The more I expressed myself (very negatively) the less effect it seemed to have. I have since realised he probably has Aspergers Syndrome which makes people very unable to express themselves emotionally and very afraid to let people down. So the more I asked for, the more he realised he couldn't fulfil his work committments and give me what I wanted. I wanted to know when I would be able to move in with him, but by the time I was expressing it as a real need, things weren't good between us. He said, a couple of days before he said those words, 'that the foundations are too shakey'. He is an amazing man outside of his obsession with work and we have had a lot of fun together. Since we split I've been doing a lot of reading about what it means when someone says i love you (deeply) but i'm not in love with you. I am hoping and praying that he will realise that it was the stress that caused the breakdown in our relationship - we still speak and I've seen him several times (we bought a puppy together, which lives with him). In fact several weeks ago he commented that he had really enjoyed the time we'd spent together recently. We also had sex (and I use that phrase rather than 'made love') a couple of weeks ago for the first time in about 9 months. When we were together, for the majority of this year he has been to exhausted and then when we started to communicate very badly, it just didn't happen anyway. But a couple of weekends ago it was hot and sunny and we were outside and things just happened. It was very sexual though rather than romantic. I'm hoping that this has reminded him that there is still passion between us rather than a comfortable relationship (we cuddled two weeks after we split and fell asleep on the sofa together) When i asked him how he felt about it he said it was warm, comfortable, relaxing and familiar 'but not enough'. I have lost over a stone in weight and have cried a river of tears over this. Now three months later I am eating again and back into my jogging and fitness. I fight the urge to call him and the last time we spoke (two days ago) we had a very happy call. But we never discuss our relationship or what has happened. We speak about once a week, sometimes I call him, sometimes he calls me. But the instigation to actually meet usually comes from me (using the dog as an excuse). I am going on holiday next week for a week to learn to windsurf (his passion, something i've started to do since we met). I'm hoping that when I come back, hopefully relaxed, more confident, smiling more and maybe looking healthier! we will see each other and feel that surge of excitement you feel when you see someone you love that you haven't seen for a while (it will be five weeks by then). I desperately want to call him this weekend but I am trying to give him the space to work (he has just taken on two employees and moves into offices in two weeks time) and hopefully to realise that he misses me......my head is very mixed up. I'm trying to get my life together again but I can't stop hoping.

[ME2]

Got this same line a month and a half ago. We have been to counseling and she still is not sure what she feels. I m trying to be patient but I really want to tell her to leave. Seems like selfish BS to me. Not sure how much longer I can continue to love somebody who does not love me back. Together 20 years now.

[Rachel]

I don't think there is a worse remark than "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore." I was hit with it last July after I caught my husband cheating. It was through text messages from his co-worker/lover...I don't think devastation like that can ever be described. Once I found out and he gave me the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" line, it was no holds barred...he started spending the night with her, webcamming with her right in front of me, texting and talking on the phone with her. I moved out in August, she was transferred to New Jersy and she dumped him two weeks later, and after much consideration, I moved back in with him the first of November.
By January 1st, the signs were all back again...the staying out late with "co-workers:...the hiding the phone, all of it. Sure enough, I checked his phone and it is that same girl, back again! She ignored him the entire time after I moved out, and when she finds out I am back in my home, she is back with a vengeance, telling him to leave me here and come visit her in Jersey and how she loves him again and wants to have sex with him. Is it just me, or is he as stupid as I think he is? I adore my husband, but this girl is killing me...what is this? I am moving out again as he said he needs his space to rekindle his relationship with her and he can't do it with me here. He does love me though, and wishes me well. He just isn't in love with me...a little help here?

[Stephanie]

My husband told me friday through a text message that he didnt want to be with me. He always said divorce would never be an option but now that is what he is asking for he gave me the whole i love you just not in love with you I still don't know what that means. We have been married for almost 4 years come june and we have a beautiful little girl together. He is in south carolina for some training while im at home dealing with her, school and daily life. I begged him for marriage counseling and he straight up said no. I feel like this came out of no where. My heart is telling me he's not giving me the whole truth as to why, I could be wrong but not sure of it at the moment. I just don't know what to do...please any advice. I would really appreciate it.

[JW]

I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" business from my wife about a month ago while we were having a fight. The fight, as with all of our fights, was not over a specific topic, but rather, because she was upset with me but refused to talk about it. As of a few weeks ago we have been married 2 years, but this will be the last anniversary we have I'm afraid to say. The issues that her and I have been experiencing has driven me into the deepest depression that I have ever felt in my life, driving me onto prozac and sending me into counseling. To add insult to injury, she decides that 2 days after I am laid off of my job to announce that she is moving out. Nothing like spitting in my face while I'm already down.

She has been avoiding the house like the plague, saying that she simply can't deal with my depression and wants to give me "Space". In my opinion this is just her way of disguising that she doesn't want to deal with the guilt that she may potentially feel by seeing how badly I'm hurting right now.

So now, I have the house (which we bought because SHE wanted it - and is only in my name because her credit was ruined from a previous marriage), all the bills, no job or income (dropping down from $80,000 a year to the ridiculous MAXIMUM of $300 a week that unemployment gives you - they might as well just leave me with NOTHING), and no jobs with a salary anywhere near what I was making within 100 miles of here, I'm pretty much dead in the water.

Just like everyone else, I can't eat, I can't sleep, but all I want to do is sleep. I've been on the Prozac for 5 days now and honestly I can't feel a lick of improvement in my mood, even though the doctor says it can potentially take up to 3 weeks to get into your system.

I've lost interest in every hobby that I have, I've cut myself off from all of my friends (what few I had) minus one, who now I don't consider a friend anymore because he didn't want to be bothered with my issues.

This isn't the first time that I've gotten the ol' "I love you but am not in love with you" cop-out from a woman. I've been married 3 times now at the age of 37 - out of which 2 of the 3 marriages ended with that phrase, and 8 non-marital situations throughout my years have ended the same way.

[Bob Lamer]

Married 23 years..got the "I love you,but not in love with you line" while driving..after my jaw hit the ground, we tried counseling etc. It doesn't work, it just does not. The relationship is dead emotionally. That is a line you NEVER forget. So now, we are divorced, I pay my support and get to be a "Disneyland Daddy" once a week..Now I get phone calls asking me to help her out financially..Nope, you made your bed, now lie in it..NEVER again will I tolerate anyone using that BS line on me.

[beth]

im on the opposite side. as cliched as it sounds its not anything to do with you, its the person thats doing the breaking up. Im not in love with my boyfriend anymore, though i still love him and therefore dont want to hurt him. Perhaps some girls use this as a tool of manipulation, but thats not me. I dont want him to try harder, god bless, he does. I dont even have to say the words, he knows it and I know he knows it.
But then I read that perhaps "love" isnt about passion and excitment and if it is it fades away in time. Well personally i dont want that, work is as passionless as you can get, why would I want to come home from work to the same environment, albeit with someone I actually enjoy the company of. Things run its course. Im not speaking from experience from marriage or kids, I dont want to do that until I have been with someone for at least six years. I have been with my boyfriend for four and i love him, everyone we meets love him and he is genuine and good, but that doesnt mean that im happy. I try to speak about personal experiences and he zones out, not through lack of interest, but lack of being able to comprehend what i am speaking about. His family is very loving, but reserved and its all "keep calm ,carry on". I want someone to be able to discuss things with. That understands that I may have been through difficult experiences, but shoving them under the carpet and pretending they didnt happen doesnt help. I am becoming increasingly flirtacious with someone at work, but Im not attracted to them either, I think in a way im trying to sabtotage my relationship to get out without having to discuss my feelings, cause he always has an answer to everything "you`ll calm down soon" just leave it until then.

[Bob Lamer]

to "beth"...so basically, you admit it is just a cowardly way to cop out of a relationship. You don't really give a damn about HIS feelings, it's YOUR feelings your trying to preserve..there's quite a few people on this board who have time, blood sweat and tears invested in their marriages, only to see selfish "children" like yourself piss it all away for THEIR needs. And then to top it off, anyone who uses that line never seems to have the guts to say what they really mean. Good luck finding that "perfect guy" who will be able to read your mind..really "beth" it kind of is "all about YOU isn't it ??" (and don't take this personally, it pretty much applies to any shallow individual who uses this line to cop-out of a relationship...

[martine]

I am five weeks down the line from the i love you but im not in love with you sentence and my heart is still breaking,i have been with my partner for 10 years he is 37 i am 27 we have a four year old together and we where trying for another child. i had a very serious car accident 10 weeks after having our baby and was hospitalised for 7 weeks unable to care for him and i was severley depressed and disabled due to the accident.my partner was fantastic he took on the role of full time dad still worked full time kept our home running and came to see me everyday. then letters started arriving i had debt i had hid from him and this really pushed him over the edge he stood by me but it caused huge problems as i couldnt work for a long while after because of recoering from my severe injuries. i have an accident claim in which is a substantial ammount and is now due to be paid out within the next few months max this would enable us to pay all our debts off and finish our home. but my partner doesnt want to be with me anymore so is willing to throw away our 10years. i am upset because i know things wernt perfect but i kept thinking when the money comes we can lay the past to rest and get on with our future i love my partner so much and admitt that things got hard but we can work on things if we both want too. i have cried rivers of tears and wrote endless letters searched the web for answers but to no avail he wont talk to me he said he has put it in a box at the back of his head and he doesnt want to think about it. he also said he didnt fancy me and sex was a chore yet we were having more sex than we had done in a while. friends and family keep telling me to let him go they are convinced there is someone else and in my gut i feel it too, what can i do to get over him, when i dont want to get over him? my confusion is immense i cant sleep eat or function normally all i want is to wake up fromthis bad dream and be happy again. i waould have councilling therapy anything to save our relationship i love him that much im still making excuses for him. scared to move on incase in time he says he did the wrong thing please help if you can

[Grant Lucas]

I want to thank all of you who have posted here. I am sitting here at 4:30 in the morning, my wife is in bed sleeping and I am sitting down in the computer room crying my eyes out. I am going through this as we speak. My wife told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and hit has all but devistated me. My heart is out to all of you who have gone through this. All the things mentioned above and I'm sure things to mentioned below this post will help and inspire more people. I felt an almost desparation of no-one to talk to but this post has been good for me and I thank you all. I to wish that I had been more attentive to her, although I thought I was.
Again thank you all for taking the time to write down your thoughts and stories it does help to read all about my mistakes and regrets through other people and get a chance to reflect on things I knew and things I didn't know. You have helped me open my eyes and gave me some hope that I can turn this around and get the love back in our relationship.

[Grant Lucas]

I forgot to mention we have been married for 22 years and planning for retirement and the fun years. I can't believe this can all be lost with one verbel line.

[Bob Lamer]

Good luck if you can, Grant..I tried for 3 years and could never get that line out of my head. After counseling and all that, my ex-wife admitted that she just wasn't into it anymore. I was married 23 years, divorce is final 08/2009. You'll find that you can "fake it" for a while, but in the end, the doubt of "Does she really love me" will get to you. In the end you will be "blamed" for being human, because cowards who take refuge in that stupid line can never face how shallow they really are. Good luck

[Bob Lamer]

I should also have added that that the "I love you, but not in love with you garbage" is almost a sure sign that she is interested in someone else. Not to add to your pain, but my reaction to it was "no, not that" and of course she denied it, but I found out later that she was involved with someone else..At 53 years old she was cheating...All my retirement plans, the house, everything went up in smoke..makes you a little bitter that someone you THOUGHT you knew, you never really knew at all..