Lawyers as Parents

A 30 year old woman emails me to request that I post about being a parent in the profession. She tells me she's been admitted to law school but just can't bring herself to fill out the check and send in the deposit. She doesn't have kids yet, but would like to, and wonders what the demands of school and the profession mean with respect to raising a family.

She writes:

I also have the desire to become a mother and start a family (someday). Does law allow a woman to have a successful career and balance family responsibilities?

I want to do both, but feel I may be setting myself up for failure. If I want a family, how can I leave a career that will allow me to do both - for another profession that may not be as family friendly...? My age is certainly a factor - biological clock and "second" career prospects.

I would like to give you a helpful answer, my friend, but I have the very same questions myself. This is a realm where I don't think it's okay to bluster groundlessly as I usually do, especially because you have a big decision to make. Instead I can only pass your request on to my readers. Evan (and his lawyer wife Andrea, highly credentialed as a mother) and Carolyn probably have something to say. I wonder if Anonymous Lawyer does. I think here the different perspectives of fathers and mothers are important, so I'd welcome the thoughts of both. Blue Rabbit (April 22 post) had some things to say about growing up the daughter of a hard working lawyer.

My reader DID make a request I can help with: more information about my pretty dress. You can find it online at Nordstroms -- search "BCBG Max Azria." Happy to help.

Comments

[cmc]

I think this is a great question, but I am always saddened when the issue of parenting/work balance is perceived as a women's issue. The fact of the matter is, however, that it IS primarily a women's issue even for women in marriages where the work of homemaking and child rearing is shared equally between husband and wife.

I always thought that being in that type of marriage would put me on an equal footing with men in the workplace; however, at my firm, most of the male attorneys are married to women who shoulder the bulk of household and family responsibilities. Therefore, even though my husband takes on fifty per cent of the household and family work, my family obligations would still be significantly greater (if I had children) than most of my male counterparts. THAT WORRIES ME!

(The women in my firm are all married to men with equally demanding careers. None of these women have children.)

[UCL]

My wife is not yet a mother but she is a criminal prosecutor. We plan to have kids and have thought many of these career vs. kids issues through (but we haven't lived them yet, so take this with a grain of salt). As a government lawyer, she has a pretty good schedule that will allow her the flexibility to be the mom she wants to be, without giving up her career aspirations.

I know this is a tough choice for many women, particularly with the overall societal pressure that is traditionally imposed on them and not on us husbands (at least not to the same degree). But being a lawyer does not require you to work 70 hours a week, 6 days a week. I would advise the mom who sent Sherry the email to seek out the career paths within law that will provide her with the flexibility and free time she wants to devote to raising a family. Working at a firm like Sherry's firm is one alternative. Working for the government like my wife is another one.

[UCL]

By the way, when I say "at a firm like Sherry's firm", I'm referring to my memory of Sherry writing about her firm's low billable hours requirements. The fact is that even my bigsized firm's billable hours requirements are pretty good. Most associates here are in by 8 and out by 5:30, and many are moms or equally dedicated dads.

[Evan]

I know many women, including my wife, who have both a family and a career in law and are happy with their lives. Of course, "a career in law" can mean many things, and certain career options and certain employers within the legal field provide more flexibility for parents than others. But to someone who’s determined to do it--to have both a career in law and a family--it’s certainly possible.

[Katie W]

I had my first daughter during law school and my second while doing a federal clerkship. Now I work in litigation at the Dept of Justice. Careers in the federal government are a good option for attorney-moms. The work is substantive and challenging, and the hours are decent as is the salary. I'm crazy about my daughters but I'm happy to have both them and a career. My experience from day one with my daughters is that it all just works out. I was as anxious as all the other law students about the when-to-have-a-baby-will-it-ruin-my-career topic, but the reality is that it's turned out pretty well and been, over all, easier than I would have anticipated. I've made some decisions based, primarily, on child (and childcare) considerations, but there were always enough interesting opportunities that the tradeoffs were okay. I've never felt like I missed out career-wise because of the girls. Maybe my experience is atypical or maybe I'm just lucky. Anyway, in hindsight I wouldn't do anything timing-wise differently than I did.

[Carolyn Elefant]

I know that this is terribly un-PC, but frankly, those who believe that it's possible to "strike a balance" between a successful legal career and family are fooling themselves. One or the other is going to give, and in almost every case, it's going to be the kids who are sacrificed for the important client meeting, the critical motions hearing or whatver else might come up. Even the so-called "flexible" schedules where lawyers work 35-40 hours a week rather than the usual 60-70 present a long time for children to be in someone else's care (again, not an issue if a spouse - dad or mom - stays home).

I know that many working lawyers will say "I'm a better parent because I work" or "I'd go crazy with the kids all day" - and yet, they would never apply this same logic to the workplace. For example, if a lawyer has an important client, he or she is going to handle much of the contact and oversee the case rather than delegate the work to a low level associate. Yet these same lawyers see no issue with delegating childcare to a nanny or a daycare. Ultimately, it's one's own personal choice to continue to work or put a traditional career on hold and stay home with children. My only point is that if you choose that route, don't call it a balance because it's not. In writing this , I certainly don't mean to suggest that women are not entitled to successful careers.

My advice to anyone, male or female, planning a career would be to work as hard as you can before you have children and make a name and reputation for yourself in your field - make yourself absolutely indispensable. Then, when you have children, you can walk away and do something that gives more time - take or teach a course, find contract or appellate work that can be done from home at odd hours or start a fabulous blog that gains notoriety. There'll be plenty of opportunities and second chances for you when your children are older and return to school. But if you miss your children's childhood, you can never ever recapture those years. See, you can have it all, but just not all at the same time.

[transmogriflaw]

I don't know. I think it is extremely hard to say what the "best path" is or to say that all parents who work in a successful legal career and have kids are all "fooling themselves." That's a huge swath of people to cover.

Kids and families are fundamentally individual. What works for one kid won't work for another. That's the risk of child-bearing; you may find that while one child is happy and thrives in day care, another one doesn't, and as a parent you have to deal with it. But to say across the board that it can't be done is, I think, unnecessarily pessimistic.

Frankly, for the most part kids will turn out fine regardless of what the parents do. I spent years doing childcare, and I can tell you that most kids are great. Some aren't. But those that are screwed up come from a wide array of backgrounds: from wealthy families, from middle class families with stay at home parents and from poor single mother families. Parents like to reassure themselves by thinking that if they do X and Y, their kids will turn out fine. The reality is just so much messier.

From what I saw from babysitting and day care centers, the kids that were the happiest and most well-adjusted were those with parents who were happy as well. After watching families for awhile, this is as much of a generalization as I am willing to make. Happy meant in some cases a stay-at-home parent and in some cases being one of two incomes. It sometimes meant a divorced and blended family and sometimes meant a strong marriage. Where the parents were comfortable in their choices, the kids were.

[GMM]

Thank you all for posting these comments. I have applied for law school but I am getting married and want to have a family before I am too old, and you have provided invaluable information about whether it's possible to do both. Best wishes to you all.