Adrift

So it might seem funny to say this, but one of the biggest challenges for me about being unemployed is managing my own pace, and my own mental judgments about that pace. I came out of the bankruptcy conference with something of a vision brewing of what I want my life to look like on the other side of this employment gap. And I went tearing out into the world, meeting with people, talking about opportunities, setting things up, brainstorming ideas, etc. Anytime somebody called or emailed me with a suggestion or a possibility I responded with, "Sure! I'm unemployed -- I have lots of time, let's meet whenever it's convenient for you!" And so I was literally racing from appointment to appointment, meeting with folks, turning over rocks and generating possibilities at a breakneck pace. By Friday I was exhausted. Which I found totally dubious and unacceptable, because I looked back at my week and couldn't point to anything I'd DONE. I was just talking and thinking, all brainstorming and no follow through.

So this week I decided to take things slow, to schedule no more than two professional outreach meetings or conversations on any day, and to build in lots of downtime for actually processing the ideas I've generated -- fleshing them out until I understand them with some clarity, weighing them in my head, etc. My current guideline for managing myself in these structureless days is to balance my days better, building in time for exercise, time for administrivia (bills, laundry, groceries, various unexciting paperwork), time for writing, time for generating ideas and meeting with people, and time for following through on the ideas that I've already generated. And some time being outdoors. I think it's a good guideline, although I've been only partly successful at executing it. Today, for example, was not the right mix, although I did get some things done in the midafternoon after the race committee wisely cancelled the race.

I noticed that although I was manic and exhausted when I spent the week running around talking with people, my mood was generally pretty hopeful and excited about the opportunities I discussed. When I slowed down a little too much, my confidence drooped correspondingly. I get a bit skeevy and panicky if I go too long without interacting with people or doing meaningful work. Yesterday I tended to administrivia most of the day, and only met with one professional contact, and it was dreary and grey outside and I lost any sense of progress or certainty of my own abilities in the world. I didn't feel like I was moving forward and I wondered why I thought I would have have any chance of pulling off wild success. I know that this happens to me if I go too long without a certain kind of structured progress; I predicted it before I stopped working. And I know it's not reality, any more than crazed overconfidence is reality.

I've been visualizing this summer's spell of unemployment as a river -- there will be money on the other side of the river, and there will be structure and a clear sense of purpose. So I am trying not to get wacky or grab desperately at things just because I've got very little of either just now. I do believe that this fluidity will bring rewards I haven't yet identified. I'm just beginning to see the landscape that might be available to me when I get to the other side, and it's going to be a while before I understand my options. So for now, while I'm swimming slowly along in this river I need to remind myself that I'm floating, not drowning. No need to thrash about or exhaust myself or grab at the flotsam. It's easier said than done.

Comments

[B]

Love your thought proccess.
Self awareness of the fact that your not
drowning is key. Sounds like you're under control! Now don't forget to have fun!