Without meaning to, I've managed to stir up a boatload of controversy in my book group. We were talking on Sunday about a couple of people who might be good additions to the group. We aim to have about 8 or 9 members, so we get a turnout of 6 or 7 at each meeting. Someone is inevitably sick or away or busy for each meeting, it seems. One member has just dropped out, and another is only semi-reliable, so we could accomodate a person or two more. In any case, we were talking about some of the people who've expressed an interest in our group -- what we knew about them, what sort of people they were, what they liked to read. We talked about how we might screen potential members to be sure it was a good fit.
I mentioned that I have an articulate and well-read friend who's expressed an interest in being part of a good book group. "But there's just one thing wrong -- it's a man, and I know this group doesn't want men." Our group has a stated preference for reading books by women authors, although we depart from that again and again. I've always assumed there was an unwritten rule against inviting men into the group, so I didn't bring up the subject with any seriousness. Someone immediately protested -- we have nothing against men in this group. Someone else said, yes we do, I for one don't want a man in the group. Someone else quoted from articles about how the presence of men changed the dynamics of all-women's college classes. She was immediately challenged -- that's absurd, our group is nothing like a class of undergraduates: we are women of all ages, most of us married, and are unlikely to get flirtatious or distracted by one bookish guy among us. Suddenly there are strong feelings on both sides. I got a message on my machine from the first woman to speak up against admission of men. The message said, "I just want you to know, that I'm open minded, and if your male friend joined the group I wouldn't drop out, and I would continue to come, and I would do my best to be polite." There have been a couple of emails -- one actively campaigning for the admission of this guy, and another an email suggesting that my friend join a different group, a co-ed book group, because he probably wouldn't want to join ours since we frequently read books by women.
I bump against the radically different approaches to gender I have from most of the other women in the group from time to time. I'm the youngest by about 20 years from the average age of the group, and younger by 40 years than the oldest member. Our life experiences and the perception of the importance of gender on identity have been markedly different. I think they don't really, truly understand that I have friendships with men that are as intense, equal, and meaningful as my friendships with women. I have no particular loyalty to women, no assumption that I have more in common with a woman than a man. Is this a generational thing?
Of course the atmosphere would change somewhat with the addition of a male, especially given the controversy so far.
Perhaps you should join a co-ed group.
Posted by: boo | October 19, 2004 at 09:39 PM
yup generational, but being a man and all for equality. I might lean the other way on this one. The minute your friend feels the tention from even one other person, the whole group dynamic will suffer.
stick with rhe group
Posted by: b | October 19, 2004 at 11:22 PM
Yep, generational. My mum and her friends can't understand that I have friendships with guys who are single, as I am single, but I have no interest in dating them.
And I have even closer friendships with some of my male friends who are in relationships.
But then, some of my female friends don't get it either.
-OLS
Posted by: OLS | October 21, 2004 at 11:37 PM