All Request Day: Procreation

Supergirl wants to know if I see myself having kids.  It's an interesting way to phrase the question.  If she'd asked whether I want to have a kid (or possibly kids), I would have said yes.  I do want it.  I love the idea of moving through life with someone young, getting the freshness of view that comes with watching someone see the world with wonder.  I love the idea of seeing a new person's personality emerge -- someone, hopefully, who's the product of me and of a partner I find wonderful and loveable and mysterious.  I would love the chance to help, encourage, watch, and support a person in the way you get to do when you're a parent.  I would enjoy building a family -- the daily routines, the big decisions, and the patterns of intimate living.  I think all of these experiences would be fun.  IWhen I think about kids I think about rowing around a harbor in a dinghy looking at things, I think about splashing around in a pond and chasing frogs, reading together and answering questions that surprise me.  I sort of feel like if I go through life without doing it, I'll miss a whole range of emotion and satisfaction and challenge.  But I may well end up without children of my own.  And I think that would be sad, perhaps, but not unbearable.  I am lucky enough to know some pretty cool kids, and like to be involved in their lives.  I would make sure to do that, lots, if I didn't have my own.  And not having kids would give me freedom and mobility and financial ease, with which I could do some good and have some good experiences.  So I'm not hell-bent on having children.  It's a preference, not a goal. 

But as for whether I see myself having kids, well, I haven't seen it yet.  I've not yet heard my own biological clock tick.  I've had a couple of momentary flashes of surprising baby envy, but they were isolated instances that disappeared as suddenly as they arrived.  What some of my female friends describe as a persistent longing or a heightened awareness of every child they see or an evaluation of every man as potential father, well, that sounds spooky and strange to me.  I've watched a woman I know get more and more single-minded about having a child and it's a foreign instinct to me.  I would never -- I hope -- choose to be in a relationship for the primary purpose of having kids.  And I can't imagine myself having kids unless it's in the context of a great relationship, which I have to find and evaluate on its own terms before kids and parenting are a gleam in anybody's eyes.  So I don't spend much time "seeing myself having kids" as Supergirl phrases it. 

A couple of summers ago I dated a guy for about five months who was pretty sure he didn't want kids.  I told him I was pretty sure I did.  We had that conversation early on, while we were infatuated and delighted, heady with the potential we saw in one another.  We stopped and looked at each other, sadly, when we had the children conversation.  Do we even bother with this, one of us asked.  I remember the moment pretty well, this deep seriousness that came up way too early.  We shrugged it off, decided we were having too much fun together to worry about it, but it nagged at us both.  There were lots of reasons we didn't belong together, but I think that was one of them. 

So I don't know, Supergirl.  Do you see me having kids? 

Comments

[supergirl]

I think you'll be a terrific mommy. And if you're never a mom, then I think you'd be exactly the kind of wonderful aunt or cool cousin or godmother that we all need in our lives.

[Sylvia]

My husband and I (newly married) just had this conversation after I overheard a phone conversation between my husband and his father (he is Chinese- so I just heard something about bairen being strong)- I am 26 and a 1L- he is 33- I don't see myself as having children for a long time- though I do want them at some point. He feels as though he is getting older and wants them within the next few years. It's a hard decision. I don't want to be pregnant in law school- I think I would feel like the pregnant girl in high school or something. Plus I just don't think I am mature enough- as my previous sentence shows. I think it's sad though- because our culture (and I think this is universal) is coming to a point where people who are interested in more education and would probably give children a very wonderful life, are having less children and being more prudent about it.

[Monjo]

I know a woman who is about 30 and can not have children, she developed some problem in her mid-20s. Surely it would be better to have the children at a younger age when your eggs and his sperm are of superior quality; and also before you enter the hectic world of practising law?

I am nearly certain if you plan it about right you can time the births so they come after any exams - and I am sure your husband will be generous in his role as a parent.

Oh and I didnt think I would want children per se for a long time until I was with my (now) ex earlier this year and spent time with her and hers.

[Jeff]

S-
Should you not have children of your own, would you consider adoption or foster motherhood?

[PG]

Chiming in with the "Scheherazade would make a great mom/ mother figure."

My views on this topic may have been slightly warped by a reproductive ethics seminar. I remember writing in the margin of one article, "There are too many parents and not enough parenting in this world." Even if you didn't opt to be a parent, you'd be an excellent souce of parenting.

I've always thought that I would like to adopt my kids, ever since I was about 11 and some family friends, after a long struggle with their infertility, finally gave up and came back from India with a beautiful baby girl. This struck me as a much more sensible way to get a kid than having to get pregnant and deliver one, and this feeling was only reinforced after reading about all the things people would do -- artificial insemination, in vitro, surrogacy -- to have a child with whom they had a biological bond. I would look at these friends and their children, and not see anything missing from their family.

The "someone, hopefully, who's the product of me and of a partner I find wonderful and loveable and mysterious" desire is something I can understand but don't feel for myself, at least not genetically. I'm much on the nurture side of that debate, and I think I would see enough of myself and a partner in the child's personality without having to look for us in the cheekbones or nose or height. (My nose is the orphan of the family anyway -- no one knows its origin.)

There's also the fact that adoption or foster motherhood doesn't so much require one to have a partner as biological motherhood does. Obviously it would be tremendously helpful, and I'd never try to raise a child sans partner unless I was living near a lot of supportive family and friends, but it does make for an option of independence. If you haven't found the right person by the time you get a wistful tug at the sight of children, you don't have to rush out and grab the first good future father you see; you can start mothering on your own.

(If India does figure out contraception in the next decade, though, I might have to reformulate my plans. Also if my partner wanted a boy; we might have to produce that one ourselves.)

[SF Librarian]

I am lucky enough to be the youngest in a large family with lots of older sisters, so I've been able to observe their experiences with parenthood and have fulfilling relationships with my nieces and nephews. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that parenthood was not for us. What clinched it for us was our steady ambivalence. We were both on the fence and continued to feel this way throughout our twenties and early thirties (we got married very young). We are both fiercely independent and like to spend A LOT of time on our own. My mom, my sister, and other important mothers in my life have always emphasized to me that it's crucial to really want to be a parent, and I've taken that advice very seriously.