Question for Men

Again I heard this today:  "Men are intimidated by you.  You're so smart, successful, confident, social.  You're happy and vivacious.  You know everyone.  You have it all together.  No man wants to be around that." 

What's up with this? 

(Leave aside for now the flaws in the initial statement.  I'm unemployed, distractable, fighting the usual demons of self-doubt and insecurity and flakiness and fear and regret.  I don't have it all together; I'm not always happy. I could go on and on.  It's the underlying premise I want to understand.)

Comments

[Hondo]

So, do you come here often?

But seriously, I don't buy into that way of thinking. It speaks more to the lack of self esteem on the part of the male than it does to the female.

[boo]

I'm male, I have many male friends, and not one of them says they're intimidated by smart, successful, confident, social women. Quite the opposite, in fact.

However, I have heard women say things like "men won't date me because I'm smart, confident, blah blah blah". And it's generally true that these women are indeed smart and confident.

The thing is, men look for spark and chemistry. Some women seem to be able to provoke the proper reaction much more easily than others, and this seems to have little to do with how smart, confident or beautiful they are.

It's a mystery.

[Monjo]

If a woman wore a T-shirt saying "Monjo I want YOU" on it, I still wouldnt get the hint. But intelligence and success are are turn-on, as long as she doesn't use it to emasculate me.

[pjm]

It's all about the flaws in the initial statement.

In the specific case, what does it matter? You don't need to deal with the rule; you want to find the exception(s). I think the people who say things like that are trying to pay you a compliment; they're saying not just anyone will do (and that all the "just anyones" can tell that.)

Remind me again - you've read High Fidelity, right?

[Bill Altreuter]

Are women saying this, or men? It has been my observation that relationships work best when there is balance-- when the two halves of the couple are roughly equal in intelligence and socially. That said, most of my friends and I agree that we "married up", and that seems to have worked.

sounds like someone I would want to be around (then again, I'm one of your readers).

[Milbarge]

"No man" is clearly an overgeneralization, but I think there are plenty of guys who would feel that way. But you wouldn't want them, either, so it's no loss.

[Rufus]

Generally I'm mostly intimidated by women who are armed, yet also strangely turned on.

Anyway, I don't know any men, including myself, who would be intimidated by the above described qualities. That said, I'm sure there are guys who can be so intimidated, but I agree with Milbrage that it would be no loss to you to have those guys not interested.

[l.]

I think your friends are trying to say you're too good for most people, and so are working with a smaller pool, and so it's a little bit harder for you to find someone.

I have a bunch of guy friends, and believe me, they're not lining up to go out with the dummies. I do think, though, that sometimes being smart and active and social and fabulous takes time away from, or convinces a person not to bother, doing a lot of the things that for whatever reason guys find really attractive (extra mascara, shiny nails, cutesy outfits, shiny hair, whatever). Men really seem to be like ravens sometimes. I swear, they don't even know what we look like, they just look at the parts that are shiny... (I have a very overweight friend who gets tons of guys with her gleaming blond hair and perfect mani-pedicures).

Availability probably plays a role too. I'm in law school, and guys I know talk more about the smart girls and how much they'd like to go out with them. They give them admiring nicknames, and tell eachother about sightings. But then these same guys actually do tend to go out with the dumber ones (I am a dumber one, believe me). Because the smart ones are studying in sweats, and the dumb ones are all dressed up and sitting in the library lobby, waving freshly manicured nails. Not very many guys have the guts to track down a smart girl, challenge her and demand a date. Usually just the asshole will try something like that.

Another probably not very PC observation: smart girls I know (my roomate , for one, and whom I adore, is intelligent, accomplished, successful, attractive and super type-A) tend to challenge people, contradict, and be kind of picky about wording and things like that. That's a good thing on the job, in life, in all kinds of situations. But seriously, if you're just trying to get to know someone, let it go. I hate being challenged, and I think most guys do too, at least until they get to know someone. Once you have a relationship with someone, you want them to challenge you, or it gets boring. But when you're trying to get to know someone, you want to find the areas where you agree.

Anyway, these are just some observations I've made. It does seem to be true that the best people sometimes have the hardest time finding a date, and that's too bad. It's also definitely true that sometimes people are asked out based on their skill with a mascara wand, rather than their sterling inner character. Overall, though, I don't think being intelligent is a death sentence for a love life.

PS - Heres a link to a study related to this topic.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-1423032_1,00.html

[Outer Life]

Sounds spurious to me unless you're interested in stupid, insecure and unsuccessful men.

[Yeoman]

I think the idea that men don't go for smart women is a myth. It's a myth that is oddly perpetuated by women.

Oh sure, some dimwit guys go for women who are also dimwits, but that's a two way street. As lawyers we see a lot of that. A lot of real morons manage to hook up with each other. But note that usually the male end of that equation is every bit as dumb as the female end.

For more intelligent guys, it seems to me they go for intelligent women. I'm married and my wife is no slouch in the intelligence department, and it'd be pretty boring to be married to a woman who was all looks and no brains.

So, it's a myth.

And also, I think almost all guys want to be around women who do have it all together. If we have an emotional weakness, it's that most of us don't want to be constantly trying to put things together for a woman who doesn't have things together. It's a pain.

[Bren]

I think it's been pretty well covered in the comments. Whoever told you that is a nut.

If a dude is intimidated by the qualities you listed, move on. Plenty more aren't.

Good luck! :-)

[Dylan]

Your inner and outer personas are very different. Your self assessment is accurate about your self perceptions, but your friends/acquaintances are entirely correct about how you are perceived by everyone else. People don't read your mind, but your posture, tone of voice, and attitude. All of the latter suggest: "I'm the queen of the world!"

[Dylan]

To your main query as to why such features might drive off men: most don't want to feel inferior, or in the shadow of their girlfriend. The also contrast your public superwensch (hah) persona with their own inner assessment and find themselves lacking.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I used to get this a lot, too. It blows. The comments really already catch the gyst of what purportedly is going on, but my problem was always this: not only does this leave you looking for a guy who is as smart as you are (or smarter), but also one who is very confident and comfortable with himself. A small pool indeed! Can I make one small suggestion? Get some nice underwear. Gratuitous, lacy, matching-set stuff. You walk around feeling less like braniac, more like a hottie (without any outward change in appearance). Attitude matters: see what you can do to feel more attractive and see what that gets you.

[Yeoman]

FWIW, it is naturally the case that many intelligent people will not find a soul mate as rapidly as the less so. It isn't that they are intimidating anyone. I really think that's a crock.

When I was single I dated women on two different occasions who were undoubtedly more intelligent than I. My IQ is on the very high end, but there's were off the map. They were not intimindating, they were great.

The thought that intelligent women intimidate intelligent men is a complete myth. Rather, it's a compliment to the man if a smart woman he's interested in is interested in him too.

However, intelligent people in general are much more critical of a potential mate that the less so. No wonder, they are more intelligent. And they'll reject a lot more suitors, in my view, for reasons that seem mysterious. They likely don't appreciate it themselves, but in general intelligent people weigh a lot more options than the less so. So, they're slower about these sort of things. It isn't a commentary on anyone. To add, I once dated a very intelligent woman who I really lost interest in rapidly. It wasn't her brains, it was just that we didn't click on anything. She was smart and pretty, but she just wasn't the one.

The real dimwits, however, always have a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's because physical appearance is about all they weigh. But they often are unhappy with choices also, and are always mad at their mates.

So, I'd ignore that comment. It's a widely accepted one meaning utterly nothing.

[TaraMary]

They are just not that into you. Don't waste the pretty on the petty. I like your other readers comments - super intelligent people have made witty observations in your honor. You may need to broaden the pool and borrow the book.

[ijk]

Agree with most of the above. Think of it as seperating wheat from chaff...any who are intimidated by you, you do not want anyway. Then again, I am biased, you have pretty much described the things I look for in a woman...have fun in the seach. (Also, why haven't we seen you in so long ).

/ijk
--
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

[Patrick]

Sorry but just had to bust on the chick saying "sorry but he's just not into you." - I wonder what book is on her nightstand?

BTW that "he's not into you" expression is pretty three months ago.

[Glenn]

You know from a psychology stand point given what I believe to be your temperament your ideal mate may only represent ~6% of the male population or less than 3% of the total population. I think its interesting how you keep using the word intuition, you should check out Carl Jung’s temperament theory, it’s extremely interesting. It may not help you with your dating woes but maybe with other things, and I think it would be right up your ally. Check out "Please understand me" by David Keirsey, I know that you already understand yourself…but you will find that this stuff will give you words and expressions to help you quantify all these unique perceptions about the world that you have. Have you ever taken an MBTI type exam?

-Glenn

And I know this has little to do with my post...I think...but I was listening to this song as I wrote this and my intuitioin told me to throw these lyrics in the post:)

Shouts from both sides,
"Well we've got the land but they've got the view!"
Well now here's the clue.

Life it rents us.
And yeah I hope it put plenty on you.
Well I hope mine did too.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
then I feel pretty blissfully.

[Aurora]

Okay, can I ask another question then: Are men intimidated by women they perceive as really beautiful? And how come even when I talk to guys sometimes they never ask me out even when I know they like me?

[ChrisS]

And how come even when I talk to guys sometimes they never ask me out even when I know they like me?

For the same reason you won't ask them out.

There's a whole slew of implicit, and mythological, baggage that comes with asking someone out on a DATE. Rejection is at the top, but then there's a position of power, an "askee" is given a tremendous amount of power to make the decision. Some people aren't comfortable with giving someone else that position.

I would much prefer having women ask me out. However, in some cases, as with Monjo's comment above, they could be waving a neon sign and I still wouldn't understand that they want to go out on a date.

[Karen]

I don't think it's the men that are intimidated. Rather, I think it's because women answering to that description, after a certain point in their lives, know what they deserve and aren't willing to settle for less.

Pure and simple as it is.

[Michelle]

I get the same thing and I don't know what to do either. How do you respond to, "You're intimidating, too sexy, too smart, etc."? Or there is my personal favorite, I am "interesting" like I've got some kind mark of the devil on my head that makes me a veritable gas at parties but oh, so loathesome to bring home to mama. It's really pretty sad...and kind of lonely.

[wondering]

Recently the guy I had been exclusively hooking up with found a girlfriend. We hooked up for a year, had things in common, and I adored him, but he would never commit. We were friends for a year before we hooked up and I knew he had some relationship issues, so i waited, but i had to stop because i wanted a relationship. I get told I am beautiful at least once a day by a stranger. I'm ambitious, intelligent, and come off confident. I am one of those girls who does her makeup and hair, and then goes to class in sweats. His new girlfriend is really ugly, and im not being biased. Shes dull from what I know about her, but she is friends with his sister. I am also pretty sure, they have almost nothing in common. However, they are both in a frat and a sorority, but his unlike hers is not a traditional greek association. He told all of his friends about me and I was pretty sure they all thought I was a cool girl. Background: He's white; Im multi-racial. She is white. He went to high school at a predominantly black school, and I went to school at a predominantly white rich school. Im not rich, but his new girlfriend is well off. He and I are seniors; she is a sophomore. I know I shouldnt care because he was mean to me a lot and even though he was realy smart all he liked to talk about was basketball. I just dont understand why he would want to be with her and not me. They began going out 3 weeks after he told me he was not going to go out with anyone else.