I Hope This Fast is Over Fast

I'm not allowed to eat today, and it's only 9:30 and I can already tell it is going to be very hard.  Last night we had a sort of impromptu dinner party, a "Celebration of the Colon" feast.  We roasted a chicken and squash and potatoes and sweet potatoes and onions.  We had garlicky spinach and a big salad with pine nuts and goat cheese and cherry tomatoes.  We had focacia bread and olive spread and wine and homemade oatmeal cookies and Mexican hot chocolate.  My intention was to eat enough that I wouldn't be hungry today at all.  I failed.  We had a lively evening nonetheless, laughing and coming up with ideas for things that could get Portland into the record books.  Outside the snow was falling steadily; accumulating at a rate of two inches per hour. 

This morning I was hungry when I woke up.  I may use the chicken carcass to make some chicken broth, which strikes me as the most substantial clear liquid food item I could obtain.  Remembering that I can have beer made me think about whether stout would be allowed, as a nice Guiness practically a meal.  It's hardly a "clear liquid" though, so I imagine it's off limits.  I keep forgetting -- not exactly forgetting, but substituting food that I don't want for what I really want.  Like, I'll see an apple and I'll think, "oh, well, maybe I could have an apple."  Because what I'd really like is huevos rancheros with a side of sour cream and salsa and eggs over easy and tortillas and beans.  An apple, well, that doesn't really count as food, does it?  And then I realize I can't even have an apple and I remind myself I shouldn't be in the kitchen anyway. 

At my 5th year college reunion a bunch of my classmates were anorexic.  I'm sure there was plenty of anorexia in college, too, but at reunion it was striking.  I remember walking to my car when the whole thing was over, and two undergraduates were walking along just in front of me.  They'd been working the reunions as servers or custodians, and were talking about the experience.  "Which reunion were you at?"  "Class of '40, the old guys.  What a hoot they were.  How about you?" "Class of '95 -- the anorexics."  I jumped into that conversation -- you noticed too?  I thought it was just me.  Oh, no, she said.  What's the deal with that?  I couldn't answer her, and it nagged at me.  I have no idea what the deal is.  These successful, lovely women, who had been attractive and vibrant as undergraduates, were emaciated.  It bothered me a lot.  I wasn't able to believe them when they said they were great, knowing what they'd once looked like, even though they trotted out stories of accomplishment (law school, med school, documentary producer, etc).  I thought that to someone who hadn't known them before they might just look like fabulously thin women.  Apparently they looked like anorexic women. 

I've never been able to fast.   I can't imagine it.  In younger days, in periods when I was dissatisfied with my body, I had moments of idle envy of anorexics.  Wish I had that kind of self control, I would think.  But of course I didn't really wish for it.  Friends who've been caught in the madness and self-hatred of anorexia have described it too well.  And food is such a pleasure in life.  Once I was on a date with a guy who seemed really cool.  He was cute and smart and entrepreneurial, a triathelete and a dreamer with bright eyes.  But we were out to dinner and I was delighted by the mango salsa that came with my fish, and was talking about how much I love a good mango -- the sensation of the soft fruit in my mouth, its melty texture and the burst of flavor and the undercurrent of pepper.  He said, "I've always thought about food purely as fuel."  And I was pretty sure right then it wasn't going to go anywhere with us. 

Comments

[Scheherazade H.]

I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

[2L]

Peace be with you, Scheherazade. I completely sympathize with the horrors of medically necessary fasting. I once had to go without anything- even water or other liquids- for about 18 hours for a procedure involving general anesthesia. I didn't think I would make it- I'm pretty hypoglycemic and it was August and I got really dehydrated.

Be kind to yourself, and curl up with a book or a trashy magazine on the couch. Know that it will be over soon. Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, and about the odd kinds of relationships humans have with food. Distraction, distraction distraction!!

[wab]

All my best wishes that all goes well for you tomorrow.

[Rene]

I'm sure I'm speaking for all your left coast readers by wishing you all the best in your medical matters and that if we were in your town and actually knew you we would all offer whatever support we could. Hug {{{Sherry}}}.