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Comments

Bill Altreuter

I know several people who have what amount to commuter relationships, and they make it work for them. A key, I think, is that both parties have to be the sorts of people who need a lot of personal space a lot of the time. Flexability is also important, obviously, and a mutual commitment to making the relationship work.

Come to think of it, those last two are critical in any relationship.

Helps if there's a plan for making it not long distance at a point in the future. Will one person realistically be able to move in the next couple of years?

pjm

Yes to that second comment. There needs to be an opportunity in the forseeable future to make it not long-distance, and it shouldn't be too open-ended. (For example, a work contract ending, thus freeing someone to move, as opposed to, "Well, I could quit my job and...")

If I asked, I could probably get a second on my other assertion: the path to geographical proximity should be clear and seem fair to both. Good job in poor location + poor job in good location = stalemate (Oooh, good double entendre word...)

I think distance can also mask problems in a relationship which would show up otherwise. If a couple sees each other twice a month, it's an event every time; they never find out what the other is like "normally."

1) A relationship that started local, but due to circumstances turned long distance and neither party wants to terminate the relationship;

2) fate (or lack of common sense) causes two people to develop the relationship.

I've been involved with both kinds. It has only lead to frustration. I also know of many academics who have had long distance marriages. The question has always been what would have happened if they had to live together full time.

ogged

If you like the other person, you also have to like heartache and frustration. If not, there are many good reasons.

Rik

I've had 'em. Never could make 'em work. Don't know anyone who made one work unless one of the parties moved fairly early on (or as was posted above the plan was in the works fairly early on). Speaking only for myself (I'm sure there are people who've had a successful go of it), in retrospect, they were good ways for me to delude myself into thinking I had a relationship and was overcoming my commitment phobia.

All that said, if you're into someone and they're in to you avoiding pursuing it seems stupid. We get too hung up on how love might end and miss out on it when we have a shot.

Martha

Best way to get involved in a long-distance relationship....total accident! :-)

I've had my share of long-distance relationships due to a variety of circumstances, but the one that worked came about as an accident.

We were just having fun at the start and saw each other when we traveled to the other person's hometown (we met through a mutual friend). Then we began actively going to see each other and things snowballed from there. After 2 years of distance I moved to be closer to him and things have been great ever since.

It did help that the commute wasn't that far (NYC to DC) and we could see each other over a weekend. In prior distance relationships, when I couldn't see the other person for months at a time the relationships suffered and usually ended.

It can be done, it just isn't easy, but then again...what relationship is easy?

PSF

When you realize that you can spend a hundred and fifty bucks on dinner and still not get laid, an LDR is attractive because you don't have to worry about buying dinner to get the same result.

a

you like him, he likes you, so you keep talking. it turns into something good. when you realize this, there should be a plan to be in the same place, and whatever may be lost in the move is gained in the possibilities of the relationship.

i am job searching in one city only now (where he is) and if after working there, moving there, it doesn't work, i won't rue the missed chances elsewhere. he - in reality now, and all of the possibilities we both see for the future, whether ultimately they come to be or not - is worth it.

Milbarge

As you know, I've opined on this at length. My ultimate take is mushy: it depends on the person and the distance. Some people aren't worth a drive across town, and some are worth a cross-country commute. You just have to decide if you want to be with the person so much that you can stand almost never being with him or her.

OLS

I agree with Milbarge. I've been in a long distance relationship that turned into us living together. The key factors there were that we both really liked each other, didn't have any great ties to where we were living (other than work), we were both prepared to travel to see each other, and we called each other every night at 8pm to chat about our day.

I know many other couples who have made long distance work. In one case, he moved from Sydney to Brisbane to be with her. In another, the couple have happily lived 2 hours drive from each other during their entire (nearly) 2 year relationship. In the second case - again they phone and email a lot, and they see each other every weekend. And they still have no plans for either of them to move town, they're happy as they are and appreciate their independence during the working week.

- OLS

jets

My personal experience with this began as a local relationship and then became a long distance relationship, but by that time we had a good serious level of committment. It was hard and sad to endure the physical separation, and the travel involved grew to be pretty inconvenient. The positive side was that it ended up being an affirmation of our relationship. We overcame those obstacles presented by distance, and still wanted to be together. After a few years we got married, ending the long distance portion of the relationship :) Now we've been married for 8 years and it seems to be going quite well. So there is my LD story for you. And reflecting on this, now I am thinking of numerous friends, who had LD relationships at different points, (including the beginning)and who are now married to the men they had those LD relationships with. No question that the separation is tough, but to my mind "tough" (even very tough) is not a good enough reason to deny a potentially great experience.

So my thought is, go for it.

i was in a long distance relationship for several years. now that we are married and in the same place i STILL, 3 years into living together, don't take it for granted when i wake up in the morning and he's there.

sarni

Have been in a LDR with my current bf (two years apart, two years together)... neither of us were really interested in a relationship, let alone a long-distance one, but the connection was too strong to let go. It did help that he was going to move to Melbourne after uni (which he has). It's not something you do for someone you only 'sorta' care about, though.

From hearing friends talking about their LDR, a general guideline seems to be that it's much harder to do once you've lived in the same city as your partner for awhile - you get too used to having them around all the time. If you start the relationship long-distance, then that's the norm - and you can work up to living in the same city if you wish.

Bea

Totally agree with the second commenter. It also helps if both of you are pretty good at 'communicating' over the phone, e-mail, etc. My husband and I met at a university in the US (he's Swiss; I'm Filipino) and we had a LDR for about a year and a half (which involved travel between countries e.g. US and Switzerland) before we took the big risk of both moving to a third country (not his, not mine) --- Singapore. We've been living in Singapore since :).

ChrisS

Communication and level of intent make LDRs work, specifically, as in the second post. They can be experimental, but they also lack a certain level of intimacy that can help one party make the commitment to move.

I had a friendship that through circumstances of one of us being involved at different points (she had a boyfriend, I didn't have a girlfriend then I had girlfriend by the time she dumped the boyfriend, etc.) we eventually started seeing each other. She was in school in DC by this point and I live in upstate NY. We managed to see each other for about a weekend a month, and 10 days during long breaks, but we didn't make it a year, despite the tremendous amount of chemistry.

There was talk of cohabitation; I was flexible and she wasn't. She was also afraid of me moving to NYC because of her eventual biglaw job and not liking her hours. There were other problems, but not being able to or, more accurately, being forced to -- through cohabitation or daily interaction -- address the problems, they festered.

Mary

I think an LDR can sometimes be the best of bad options. When the man I wanted to marry graduated from college and couldn't find a job nearby and I had one year left, we didn't have many options. We could have done an LDR for a year, broken up, had me quit school, or had him live in my dorm room (which I probably would have been expelled for). The LDR was really the logical choice, but it's over now and we're getting married. I wish we could have found another option, but 1 miserable school year apart for the rest of our lives together was certainly worth it.

Personally, I can't really see doing it for someone I wasn't planning to marry... not for any extended length of time.

Mark

LDRs are adviseable when you are committed. Its very easy in todays world to stay in touch. Theres email, cell phones, instant messenger. Hecks theres even www.longdistancerelationships.com!
Romantic Gifts, relationship advice, the works.

tasha

my boy friend and i been together in a long distance relationship and i don't kno w if it's gonna work cause sometimes i talk to him every 3 days which i don't think it's enough and when we do get the chance he sometimes say he's gonna be back and having me waiting and he never comes back but i still love this guy to death and i think it's gonna work.

Dennis

my case is different. i met this one girl a month ago, but she left home to another state. we went on one date. i really like this girl but i dont know how to start a long distance relationship?. any advice?

Ninaa

my case is that i have now for 6 months been talking to this guy in sydney. but the only problem is that im in brisbane. no one can really understand my situation but we love each other and its true we talk on the phone for hours we send each other messages every night and we communicate over msn and go on webcam with each other etc... but i just dont get why no one can understand iit.. maybe its tha fact that we havent even met yet.. but i know that in many many cases poeple havent. but that is all about to change because in less than a month now he is going to come over here to brisbane and come and see me or i am going to go to sydney.. which ever way as long as we get to see each other.and we are also planning to once we hit 19 move away together where no one can be in our way and where we can have our freedome.its just that .. he isnt quite sure how this "long distance love" thing can work when he is in a different state to me.. can you please give me some advice seeing as no one apart from my brother and my best friends understands what i'm, going through?? please help !!

Ninaa

my case is that i have now for 6 months been talking to this guy in sydney. but the only problem is that im in brisbane. no one can really understand my situation but we love each other and its true we talk on the phone for hours we send each other messages every night and we communicate over msn and go on webcam with each other etc... but i just dont get why no one can understand iit.. maybe its tha fact that we havent even met yet.. but i know that in many many cases poeple havent. but that is all about to change because in less than a month now he is going to come over here to brisbane and come and see me or i am going to go to sydney.. which ever way as long as we get to see each other.and we are also planning to once we hit 19 move away together where no one can be in our way and where we can have our freedome.its just that .. he isnt quite sure how this "long distance love" thing can work when he is in a different state to me.. can you please give me some advice seeing as no one apart from my brother and my best friends understands what i'm, going through?? please help !!

Shans

I'm gaining hope from some of your stories. In my case, I like a high school crush. He and I have always had a certain degree of chemistry but I’d just gotten out of a serious relationship and had some issues working it all out. Now however, we've started back talking and it's great. I'm giddy with the joy of it all. Problem is, I’m in ON (Canada) and he's in MD. That’s 10 hours driving. As students our budget doesn't allow much traveling back and forth. We both have 3 more years of undergrad- not to mention post grad- and due to our majors our respective schools are the best places for us; thus, no transfers. I'm a little lost on what to do. The connection is strong and I have every reason to believe it would be a great relationship. But where will it go? Our majors are so very different that they lead us on separate paths. Our life goals are similar- should I simply let it be and hope faith will bring us together again? Or shall I give this LDR a try?

Long Distance Relationships

Hello,

I had been on a LDR for two years now we had only spent 10 days togheter live but I love him and he loves me and everything is working out really fine, we write each other several mails a day, chat weekly (daily when he is on vacations) I had talked to his parents and they are very nice to me, we are compatible, share the same values, sense of humour and all my friends love him, aprove him and think that he is the one as well. I think he is the one so I want to marry him but a coworker told me that no matter how often we talk 10 days is not enough to be sure that he is the one. What do you think? is there a limits of face to face for get to know each other? Even though frankly I had no idea what else could I possibly know about him that I'm already couldn't know or what could good could came from waiting for more time.

paroquiademontelavar.org

Like any relationship, long distance relationships require effort for them to succeed. Where your relationship differs from a normal relationship, is the fact that you have time to live for yourself. How many couples do you know of, who complain that they never have time for themselves. As with any sort of relationship, there are undoubtedly times where frustrations start creeping in. The quality time that you spend together, probably on the end of a telephone line can quickly end up in mind games, destroying the small amount of time you do get to be close together. If the wonders do start creeping up on you, remember that your relationship is built on trust, love and respect.

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