Love Stories

This Fish posted recently about a failed relationship.  One of the problems, she notes, was a blog post about a previous relationship that the fellow she was dating didn't like.  She is angry at him, it is clear, and her post is not kind.   The disputed post isn't kind, either.  There's a bee sting in both of the posts, the narrator rubbing a red welt and lashing out at the men who inflicted it.  In each post, she tells someone else's secrets, in a voice of contempt.  It makes me sad.   I like This Fish for her honesty, but I also like her because I sense that she is kind.  Posts like these, with the attendant dozens of "you go, girl!" comments from loyal readers who relish the snarky deconstruction, make me feel betrayed in that belief.  These stories are hers to tell, I suppose, but they also hold the secrets of men whose lives she touched.  Even if the men aren't worthy romantic partners, they are people, not anecdotes, and if she cared enough about them to feel stung and disappointed, they deserve better than caricature.  I hate that people seem to like contempt so much.   

I blog from time to time about my own romantic life.  Mostly, I don't.  That's for a lot of reasons.  The most obvious one is that my romantic life is in flux, and has been for most of the life of this blog.  I'm afraid to count on it when things are good, and I'm afraid to tell the truth and expose my vulnerability when things are bad.  I'm afraid to write about it because my words, out there in public, might affect my real-world life.  I'm afraid to acknowlege my longing, give power to my fears, own up to my confusion.  I'm afraid to clutch too tightly to happiness.  I haven't managed to hold on to it yet.

The alternative is this strange coy silence, as if I'm not all those things: confused, longing, vulnerable, happy, afraid.  I am all of them, sometimes all at once, sometimes in quick succession, and sometimes one at a time, flooded and overwhelmed.  I haven't learned how to write about it.

Do you know anyone who does, without sounding hardened, or stung, or contemptuous?  I'd like to read that kind of writing: honest, from someone with an open heart.   

Comments

[Scheherazade H.]

Maybe Deb at Smitten? www.thesmitten.com

[Jill]

I'd love to find something like that, too.

[Monjo]

I think women are generally very nasty about exes in a way guys aren't. My ex (current? time shall tell) girlfriend was often very nasty about her exes and I didnt want to hear it and I didnt really like her talking about it to people - knowing fully well she would tear me apart if we broke up, or even just had a row.

Perhaps, This Fish needs to realise the only constant in all the scrwed-up relationshsips she is/has been in, is herself. If a relationship goes wrong you have to take at least half the blame and do a certain amount of self-reflection.

I have always tried not to write about relationship on my blog unless compelled. I think it would be an unique experience if someone wrote about a failed relationship with total honesty and never put their ex down. but just accepted that sometimes things don't work. I certainly don't know of any writing like that.

[ML]

Two memoirs which I thought did a fine job of taking responsibility for the break-ups and showing reflection and learning as a result are: "Running with the Bulls," by Valerie Hemingway; and "Leaving a Doll's House," by Claire Bloom.

[Jill]

I don't think women are nasty about their exes in ways that men aren't -- some women are, and some guys are, too. Part of this could be that it's really hard to be open and philosophical in real time (on a blog) about a relationship that is not working or recently ended. It might be easier to do in book format, because those are usually written over a longer space of time and edited, so the author has time to figure out what he or she really wants to say.

There's a book called Love, Death and the Changing of the Seasons by Marilyn Hacker that is a collection of sonnets about a love relationship that doesn't work out between the author and a younger woman that I've always thought was beautiful and kind and definitely not contemptous. But it's not a blog.

[Rayne of Terror]

how about leahj.blog-city.com

her dating stories can be funny, but are not mean.

[therese]

With all due respect, I read the posts on This Fish and didn't get the voice of contempt in her narrative at all, rather that she had yet another disappointing round at making an attempt to find love (or at the very least connect with a love interest). And was merely making sound observations about the experience after the fact. Indeed, had a guy told me I was stupid over dinner, I would likely have decided right there and then not to date him ever again (talk about contempt) but she obviously gave him a chance and he gave her a silly reason for breaking it off (having more to do with this control issues than his reaction to her time zones). In any event, her anger, whatever the reason, is something to which she is entitled, and her blog is a fair venue in which to explore her experience. Feelings are important signs as to what one needs -- clearly This Fish needs to be treated respectfully, as well she should. As her readers (and yours), I don't think it is our place to judge her experience, feelings or needs, but rather to either identify with what she chooses to share on her blog, or not (personally, I could relate -- and I was one of her readers who was cheering for her – not out of contempt for any man (certainly one I don’t know) but to support her in her experience).

Assuming her characterization is honest, I don't see how her expression of her experiences with these men, albeit spicy, have any effect on the men, their privacy, or even their character. In any event, I think she’s right. If you want to have a relationship, you need to lighten up! (Which is what I got from her post.)

[hubs]

i've been reading fishes contempt for years. i guess it's her spite that keeps me coming back. she bugs the crap out of me but i find myself going back every few months just for the slap on the face -waking me up and making me realize how glad i am that i'm not her. she doesn't like to hear my perspective anymore so i've quit giving it to her. i rarely read her comments because the cheerleading mob torward any alternative point of view drives me nuts.

he said her clock setting arragment was stupid, not her.

telling somebody off through your blog is not any braver that breaking up with somebody over email.

there is so much wrong with "this is why you are forty and single" that i don't dare comment but only hope that she gets hit with a heavy, sharp, bag of karma. she's entitled to that too.

i haven't read you before but enjoyed this post, so i'll be coming back with high hopes. have a great day!

[Scheherazade]

I don't mean to trash This Fish; that's not the point of this post. It's more a question of how to write honestly about sadness or disappointment without hardening one's heart, or edging into caricature or cruelty. There are jerks in the world and plenty of good intentioned bozos. We don't need to date them all, and sometimes it's fair to write about what we learn from trying, and from failing.

I just think that kind of writing is terribly hard. For that matter, keeping an open heart is terribly hard. I admire This Fish because she's done it pretty well in the past.

[hubs]

indeed.

[PG]

I've never been able to write directly about failures in relationships (too much an invasion of privacy), in the "This guy did X to me," but I do write about them more circumspectly. In some ways I think the circumspect discussion is better, because people can relate to it even outside the immediate context, but it's also a bit of a cop-out.

[OLS]

I think that Bo Peep has done it well in the past, but I'm not sure that those posts are still up.

I've written about a past relationship once (here) - I don't know if I've been able to "write honestly about sadness or disappointment without hardening one's heart, or edging into caricature or cruelty", but I certainly tried to.

- OLS

[geri]

Breaking up is so hard to do. You have to let go of the person and of all the memories real quick if you don't want to continue hurting. Then you move on (or you try to) to get yourself back on track. Singlehood is the only option, and it's something you're not so into right after a painful break-up. I don't know if people realize that breaking up is not something that's easy to deal with. Then again, maybe those people are just saying that to get over their own missed chances on love.

[Don]

A lot of the women here are typical and are the reason more men remain single. It's not that we really wish to be single, it's that there is such an immaturity in today's women. The guy who broke off with his ex via email... was right to do so. Why? She thought it was fine to post personal information about her previous relationships in a blog for all the world to see. Any man would know that he was next in line for the same type of treatment eventually.

My last ex posted some very mean things on her myspace page and she said that because she did not name me it was perfectly ok. Meanwhile, her 15 year old sister, and 21 yr sister, her mom, dad and relavtives all viewed the same page. It was such an assault... and here we are back to the same mentality right here. Grow up ladies.

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