Doomed

At times in my past I have felt that I am doomed, in some small secret but unarguable way.  Doomed to fail at relationships.  My metaphor is that I'm the four foot kid with a club foot who keeps going out for the basketball team, while his friends wince.  Each year, I think, "this is going to be the year," and although I get my hopes up it never works.  My friends are loyal but I wonder, each time I don't make the team, if they've inwardly been rolling their eyes all along, cringing at my aspirations, trying to divert me to the chess club or the literary magazine or anything but the damn basketball team that I'm just doomed not to succeed at. 

Anyway, most of the time I think I've gotten over that.  It only comes out when I'm being very mean to myself, this suspicion that I have some kind of romantic club foot that will keep me off the team, no matter how earnestly I practice and how many times I show up for tryouts. 

The last time it came back, or maybe the time before, I was really feeling low.  I was trying to explain the certainty that I am doomed to my Housemate, and somewhere in the conversation she asked if I thought I was the only person who was doomed, or were other people doomed like this, too?  I thought about that a while and said, well, I hate to say it, because she's wonderful, but I think our friend Elizabeth might be doomed, too.  And I hope she isn't, but it seems like she might be.  Elizabeth's about ten years older than us, and smart, fun, cool, interesting, spunky, cute, sociable.  And I'd watched her struggle and get hopeful and then lose relationships.  She seemed like a kindred spirit -- blessed in all kinds of ways but sharing my secret doom fate when it came to men. 

But Elizabeth's getting married on August 20th.  A couple of years ago she met a man at a conference and they've been crazy in love almost right from that moment.  I've been waffling about going to the wedding.  It's far away; it'll be expensive and logistically tricky to get there; there's a regatta here that I should be around for; I won't know too many people and those I know will be all paired up.  But today I decided to go.  I know it will be beautiful and thoughtful and full of reverence and celebration.  Maybe there's no such thing as doom.   

Comments

[Anonymous]

Your post really struck a cord with me. From what you've revealed on your blog, readers wouldn't think that you're doomed. You're knowledgeable, intelligent, dynamic, interesting, caring and open about your weaknesses. And you're also attractive too (judging by the photos). But of course, many of us readers have never met you personally. A blog can show one part of someone's personality, but how someone is in person can show another. There are no guarantees in life. However, I'd be willing to bet some money that you will marry the man of your dreams.

Now to keep things in perspective, if there is any such thing as "doomed," I am probably more "doomed" than you ever could be. I've never been in a situation where a relationship hasn't worked out. That's because I've never been in a relationship. And I'm in my 30s. The kind of people of the opposite gender I've been interested in don't generally have the same interest in a person like me physically and personality wise. It's been difficult and depressing. I'm intelligent, well-educated, a professional, knowledgeable, considerate and engaging in conversation. And I'm not ugly but not the best-looking either. Though I concede there are some things in life that I don't have together.

For several years, I thought this was the year. And it wasn't. Year after year after year. Throughout college, my 20s and now my 30s. For several years, I struggled with jealousy, as my friends and acquaintances met their significant others and got married. I'd feel real sadness every time I'd walk by a teen couple at the mall holding hands. But now, I'm more at peace with my situation, oddly enough. I still have hope that I will find "the one." But I'm realistic as well, that for some reason where I am today is the way it worked out. So for now, I'm content to be the third wheel when I visit my married friends.

Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD."

I believe the verse is still true, if you made it "He who finds Scheherazade Fowler as his wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Whoever is lucky enough to win your heart and to commit to join his life with yours will be a very fortunate, blessed man. You will be his most valuable treasure.

But whether that works out or not, I hope you'll have peace in your heart. Please don't be discouraged. And be encouraged at the gifts God has given you that you have graciously shared with us.