Set Up

I complain sometimes that my friends never set me up, but the truth is it feels a little bit strange when they try.  Last night a girlfriend got some friends together and took us to see a band playing downtown.  I think you'd like the guitarist, she said.  Or possibly the bassist -- I've always thought he was cute.  But I've been wanting you to meet the guitarist for a long time.  I think you'll have a lot to talk about. 

We got there late into the set, after dinner elsewhere.  The band played a couple of songs and then took a break, and the guitarist came over to join us.  He knew two of the women in our little group, and sat down with us to catch up with them.  The drummer and the mandolin player came by, too, and a slightly drunk fan of the band.  (The bassist was sitting very close to a lanky blonde, laughing together.)  We were at a red-painted picnic table on a patio under a tent, next to the water.  Now and again big bursts of lightning would flicker, moving east, over the water.  A couple of us counted together until the rumble of thunder.  About 16 seconds.  The drummer said, "Sixteen miles away."  I said, "no, no.  It's just under three miles away.  Sound travels at six seconds a mile."  The guitarist looked at me.  "She says that with such an air of certainty," he observed.  I got flustered.  "I think that's right, isn't it?  Isn't what you're measuring the differential between the speed of light, which is basically instantaneous, and the speed of sound?"  We wandered into a conversation about who broke the sound barrier first, and that led us to Tom Wolfe. 

I'm a good yenta.  I have two introductions that resulted in marriage under my belt, and both couples are now pregnant.  Another couple I introduced a couple of years ago are moving in together next month.  A fourth couple I can't take full credit for -- lots of people around town kept suggesting they get together, including me -- but I want some points for their blissful pairing, a year long, with about six months of cohabitation.  My newest pair, the fifth, has had some rocky times of late, after seven months, but I have faith that they'll get through just fine.  I've been trying for a sixth but it hasn't taken.  I have an idea, though, that I'm going to try to bring about.    

I wonder, now, about matchmaking.  Maybe it's not the skill of the matchmaker but something about being set-up that changes the receptivity of people to one another.  I watched the guitarist through a different lens, last night, knowing my friend thought we might like one another.  Is he my type? I wondered, listening and watching. 

I wondered if she'd told him the same thing.  I doubt it, but I can't really be sure.  If she did tell him, it was sometime during the night, because he at first only took me in as background, and focused on conversation with the two women he knew.  Later, I got onto the radar screen, his glances at me lasting a little longer, taking me in.  I noticed when he acknowledged the small quiet joke I made, gave me a nod and a smile and bounced it back to me.  I watched my own behavior, too, knowing that the other girls at the table were eyeing the dynamics, making their own assessments, evaluating him for me and me for him.  It's a strange kind of consciousness to have, although not altogether bad. 

This is what it is, I think.  Being set up simulates the heightened consciousness of a crush.  You watch for signals and weigh casual comments for clues.  Is this someone I might like?   Am I attracted to him?  Is he attracted to me?  That comment, that was pretty funny.  Hmm, do I like the way he sits?  What kind of signals am I sending out?  Sounds like he is smart.   It's a little like being in sixth grade again, with the constant companionship of an inner voice evaluating and attempting to decode signals.  Does having that heightened awareness make it more likely that you'll like someone?  I'm not sure.  But my memories and impressions of the guitarist are much sharper than if my friend hadn't planted a possibility in my head before we went out.  Maybe that's why matchmaking works. 

(Google says that sound travels at five seconds a mile.  I've been certain since I was a child that it was six seconds a mile.  Someone must have told me that, and I never doubted it.  Oops.)

Comments

Contrary to what many people think, a yenta is a busybody, not a matchmaker. The joke in Fiddler on the Roof by calling the matchmaker yenta, was that she got herself involved in everyone's business.

[Scheherazade]

Oops. Thanks for the correction.

Wait, what about the crush? Somebody cue me in.

[cmc]

You should post sometime on how to be a successful matchmaking and the etiquette of matchmaking.

I had a recent vaguely mortifying matchmaking experience. Despite swearing that I would never ever try to set someone up, I woke up one morning a couple months ago convinced that two of my single friends would be perfect for each other. I was so excited. I broached the concept with each person. The man seemed somewhat interested and said he would call the woman but I said I would check with her before I gave him her number. The woman expressed some very legitimate reservations because the man is recently divorced and has a child, but ultimately said he could have her number. She also suggested that we all get together for drinks. I think she preferred the drinks scenario to a one-on-one dinner date.

I have never followed up. I have completely dropped the subject. I guess I get the sense that she was just acquiescing to be polite. Also, I didn't like the drinks idea because I thought everyone would be too self-conscious (myself included). Now I am vaguely embarassed every time I see either of them. Any advice would be welcome!

[Scheherazade]

To the commentator at 12:47 -- the relationship didn't work out, alas.

CMC: Have a barbecue or a dinner party at your house. Invite the two matchees, and three to six other people, so they'll have a chance to talk without feeling that they're under a microscope. They'll remember that you'd suggested they might work together, but it won't have the pressure of a date.

[cmc]

Hmmm . . . that might work. Thanks for the tip. I've been all stressed out about this and berating myself for ever opening my big mouth. This could be the ticket to set my conscience at rest!

[anthony]

speed of sound depends a bit on temperature, but usually is around 1100 feet per second (said the geek).

so it's just shy of 5 seconds per mile.

loved your anecdote about the conversation... i have found myself in that spot way too many times to feel good about it.. ya know, that awkward room-goes-silent when you chime in with something like that.