A reader with an impressive list of accomplishments writes:
I have obviously met and exceeded many of our society's standards.
Despite this, I doubt myself. Severely. Constantly. I am so full of
self-doubt that lately it has turned into self-loathing. I don't think
I'm depressed- and I say that with some authority (and 4 years of
therapy under my belt)- but rather I feel like I have cleanly and
objectively examined my track record and I simply find myself lacking.
(For example: my grades slipped between my first and second years at
law school, and now I am still somewhat above average but no longer top
15%, despite the fact that I worked much harder my second year than my
first.) I don't hate every aspect of myself but I can find fault in
every facet I come across. . . .
From time to time you have written about doubt, and it usually has
helped me. I would like to hear more- could you elaborate on your
earlier entries, and outline some steps that might be useful to one who
has painted herself into a self-hating corner?
Hoo boy. Okay, let's tackle this.
Here's the step I've been taking lately to prevent from falling down a hole. It's going to sound smarmy and oversimple, so I'm almost embarrassed to mention it. But in conversations, with almost everybody, I've been asking the question, "How can I help you?" And I've meant it, with genuine curiosity, and eye contact. Not asking as a promise or an obligation, not undertaking, necessarily, to do what it is they'll say they need, but a simple inquiry -- what could someone like me do to help you with your current goals? And I'll tell you, that small habit is pretty cool. It magically shifts my frame of reference out of my own position as the center of the universe, and a shabby one at that, to a supporting actress who can shine in that role. I stumbled on it, not because I was trying to be saintly but because I was feeling so lousy about myself that I was desperate to shift the conversation back onto the other person. And it turns out to be handy -- people are surprised and pleased to be asked, it takes my own critical eye off of myself, and the requests are usually interesting and small and they make me feel like maybe it's not that hard to be a useful and good person after all.
I've been doing that a lot lately, from the guy at the seafood counter when I was settling up my tab (who wants me to let people know that they really do stay open until 8, and they're genuinely happy to serve people who walk in before 8, at 7:59 even, and to come there and bring friends if it's 7:45 and we're thinking about where to get a bite) to the old high school friend I ran into who's starting a garden design business (who wants to meet people with money and not much time, and wants help thinking about how to market to those people) to the Special Olympics athlete I coach (who wants not to be so scared by heavy wind) to the ladies of the Portland Yacht Club (who want to learn how to sail their husband's boats) to the Chief Justice of the Maine Supreme Court (who wants me to drop in on various courts within the state court system and write about how it looks and feels to someone who might not be familiar with the routines) to my friend T (who just moved and need a place to stow his small sailboat, which is now behind my garage).
Will it solve your self-loathing problem? I don't know. But I've noticed it helps keep me from doubt and wallowing. The question sets me and my fallibility aside for a moment. And when the answers come back it reminds me there are plenty of things I can help people with. Nobody so far has requested something I couldn't actually do. Nobody's asked of me anything near what I'm asking of myself (and falling short at).
I have more to say to you, because your question worries me and I don't want you to think I imagine this is the total answer. I'll write more soon. But this is my newest no-wallowing strategy.
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