Disappointment

I just wrote a great post that got eaten by Typepad.  I'm not going to re-compose it.  Maybe it wasn't that great, but it was honest and maybe a little bit risky and I felt proud of it, so when I got the 502: Upstream Error message I was disappointed. 

In the original post I wrote about disappointment, a little bit, or about a small recent disappointment that was also a nice thing.  A fellow I've gone on a few dates with called me up, just after we'd parted ways, and stammered out a difficult confession.  He can't keep seeing me, for reasons that aren't any of your business, or even mine, really.  What I wrote about wasn't the disappointment part of that, although I was disappointed -- he's smart and fun, and I've been enjoying getting to know him.  I wrote about the relief he felt when I said I was disappointed but not hurt, and that I thought he was making a good decision and liked what he'd shared with me. 

I wrote about how we burden ourselves by imagining we can't speak the truth to people, especially people we like, and who we believe want something from us.  We pretend to feel things we don't feel, and we push away the nagging things that trouble us, and it gets very heavy, and when we finally admit the truth and people don't push us away for it it's such a big relief.  I wrote about more than that, darn it.  It was a good post, I think. 

I wrote about how careful I needed to be when he interrupted himself in the middle of his explanation to say, "Is this really hurtful?  I don't want it to be."  I didn't want to sound self-defensive answering that question, or sour grapesy.  ("What, me? Hurt?  By you?  Please.  Don't flatter yourself.")  But really, he wasn't being hurtful.  He was being honest, and when I said that and he could hear that I meant it he was so grateful.  I told him I was disappointed, but that I'd be pleased to reframe things into a friendship, because I like his mind.  And we're still just getting to know one another, so reframing isn't very hard.  As he took this in and relaxed into the conversation I lay on my bed listening to him open up, and smiled.  It feels good to show someone it's safe to be honest.  I'd rather have a friendship that's honest than a prospective romance with someone who's uncertain and conflicted, holding something in. 

I wrote about how I tend to take these disappointments in romance too personally, to heap blame on myself any time a man who was interested in me changes his mind.  There must be something wrong with me.  Often the faults I find with myself sting more than the actual romantic loss of the fellow.  This wasn't the case here.  I couldn't twist his reason into something wrong with me, even if I'd been inclined to be mean to myself.  Disappointed, yes.  Hurt?  No.  I hadn't thought about the difference before.  It's important, I think. 

Anyway, all that was written up nicely and presented well, in the post that got eaten.  Sorry to disappoint you with this one, instead.    

Comments

[michelle]

Not disappointed at all. Thanks for sharing.

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