Miss Personality

This is a post I will surely think better of and take down shortly, but I need to sort out what's coming together in my head.  I'm concluding that I am undateable.  I conclude that it stinks.  This post is an inarticulate ramble of what is making me draw these conclusions.

I've written before about the part of my persona that Housemate calls Rock Star Charisma Barbie.  She's larger than life, extroverted, and fun.  She's a natural leader, even when she's not trying to be.  She's a social organizer and a connector and there is some kind of social currency that she brings to situations that people respond to.  I've also written before what I think one of my biggest dating problems is -- whatever it is about me that makes people use words like "strong" or "confident" or "independent" or "intimidating" to describe me.   

So I've lately realized I have a crush on a friend of mine.  He's like me, only more so: smarter, more charismatic, better read, more fun.  A big personality.  We spend a lot of time together; we know one another well.  We confide in one another about our dating misadventures and during the conversations that spin off about what we're each looking for and what we object to I've started to wonder if what we're really talking about, surreptitiously, is the idea of dating each other. 

And last night after going to three parties together we found ourselves kissing and the topic came up explicitly.  "I've been telling my friends that if I had any sense you're the person I should date," he said.  "My friends have been telling me the same thing," I said.  "But I can't date you," he continued.  "Your personality is too big.  You're the alpha dog, and so am I.  We can't both be the alpha dog.  I can't be second fiddle to you, and I would be, and I also don't want you to change at all.  So it can't work." 

The conversation went on for a long time, and its twists and turns aren't the main point of the post.  The point is that a dear friend of mine, who knows me and likes me and gets me, who finds me attractive, whose observations about people and human nature I trust a great deal, and who is himself the least intimidatable person I know, won't date me because I'm the alpha dog.

I don't know if I'm really the alpha dog.  I am plenty vulnerable and sometimes I'm ill at ease in my surroundings.  I only seem like the alpha dog because I'm impatient and I'm an only child and I've been chronically single, and all of these things have conspired to make me really good at filling any void by making decisions that put me at ease and make me happy.  If I don't, nobody else will.  If someone else would, I'd be delighted to go along with them.  But instead I do what I can to make my surroundings feel fun and comfortable for me, and I voice what I want, figuring people will speak up if they disagree.  And people go along with me.  I'm the reluctant alpha dog, maybe that's it. 

I want to date the alpha dog.  I want to date someone who is sure of himself.  Maybe not an extrovert; maybe the strong silent type, I dunno.  But someone who knows who he is and what he wants and how to get it.   

But the alpha-est dog I know tells me I'm too strong for him.  It's hard to fathom.  The particular crush isn't such a big deal -- we'll figure this out, and I think any disruption of our friendship from this will sort itself out pretty soon.  But what it stands for scares me.  I don't want to be a different person, but I don't want to be alone all my life.  And today I am more convinced than ever that I will be. 

Not alone.  I'll always have people in my life.  But nobody will want to be my partner.  I am overwhelming.  I don't want to overwhelm.  It makes me feel like a brute somehow, unfeminine, ugly, insensitive.  That's not who I want to be. 

The relationships I've been in that have lasted longest have been when I was in low-confidence periods in my life.  I didn't know who I was; I didn't project confidence or charisma.  I wasn't the alpha dog.  I don't want those days back but I was loved, then, and sometimes -- a lot of the time --  I want that back. 

Comments

[Scheherazade]

Re: the "Miss Personality" discussion. I like it, but it's on the edge for me. This post is on the edge of my comfort zone for the weblog. It's about a real life situation, although as usual I have skated around a lot of details. So there are things some commenters are misconstruing and those trouble me, but if I dive in and correct them I'm getting more detailed about my personal life (and, in this case, somebody else) than I like to. And of course the whole issue is a sensitive one, of heightened interest and anxiety, for me.

I am convinced most of the time that the real reason I don't have a successful love life is that I'm just not cute enough, and everything else is always a pretext for that. This is my default assumption, and when I have conversations with men I tend to hear that even if it's not what they're saying. Even if what they're saying is that I am cute enough. I hear it in your comments even if it's not what you're saying. Not being cute enough is both terrible but also fairly straightforward. There are a million women's magazines out there willing to tell me in elaborate detail how to fix the things I can fix about my own cuteness: diet, exercise, products, and clothes. I'm on that self-improvement kick right now anyway. To the extent my nose is too prominent or my forehead too high, well, those aren't my fault. I was born this way. It's what I've got to work with. Not being cute enough is kind of an easy answer. I'm already on that one. And the truth is, I think it's a cop out. I'm pretty cute. At the last party I went to, three different guys told me that I was the hottest chick at the party. It was late, everyone was drunk, and I was the only one wearing a fabulous black cocktail dress (from a much dressier party that I'd been to previously), but still. I could be a lot cuter, but I think I'm cute enough, especially when I dress right and I work it and I've been hitting the gym.

The harder answer, and the point of the post, is that something about my personality, which *is* my fault, and the fixing of which seems harder than going to the gym and taking a sassy fashionable friend to help me go shopping, repels people who are looking for a partner. This is hard because as far as I've been able to unwind it, the characteristics that are difficult are ones that work for me most of the time. And they feel as much a part of me as my nose or my forehead. They make me me. But if I appear to be competitive or insensitive or unwilling to compromise, well, I don't think I am, actually. Good heavens. I don't know why people keep calling me "successful" -- I'm a chick living in Maine with a part-time job and a tenuous hold on a dream of writing. Even if I am wildly "successful" in the way I like in both of these endeavors I'll be obscure and poor. I am pretty willing to compromise and I've built my life around relationships and people and being able to invest time with those I love. I put people first, ahead of work and ambition and winning at things. I try really hard to connect genuinely with all kinds of people, and I think I do a good job at it. People confess things to me, they respond to me, they feel heard, they feel safe with me. That's one of the things about me that I'm proudest of. I think I'm sensitive and kind. But it's not showing, I guess, or not to men who consider dating me. Ugh. I'd like to change what I'm projecting if this isn't coming across.

But I don't want to change what is coming across if it is true, and if the truth is repulsive somehow. I'm largely happy in my life. I'm pretty self-sufficient, meaning that I can and do direct my life, daily and over the course of years, in ways that are likely to bring myself contentment. I crave intimacy and pillow talk and partnership, but I don't feel incomplete or dissatisfied with my life as it is now.

[Eleanor]

I bet you're tired of hearing anything on this topic now, but I just wanted to add my two cents. (Hey, I'm on winter break! I have too much time on my hands.)

1) I think some of the comments were so vehement because they brought up a lot of sensitive issues and thoughts in the commenters' own lives, which don't necessarily apply to you. There's a host of subtle pieces of information about this situation that one could probably only get by being there. It doesn't sound like you need a "You go, girl!" -- it sounds more like you're genuinely soul-searching.
2) As for the topic itself -- I'm sure you'll be fine, and you don't need to do anything. But, if you absolutely must do something about this worry, I'd suggest practicing flirting, because here's my vague idea of what *might* be happening: you've got the goods (cute, funny, vibrant, etc), it's just a matter of selling You to the guy you're interested in. Not to take too much from "The Rules" or any such extreme, but there is a girly art to tossing your hair and touching his arm and asking more about him. And that flirtation doesn't take anything away from who you are, it just makes you more inviting to a potential date. So I'm guessing, if anything, it's a PR thing, rather than a substantive problem with your personality. Just food for thought.

[Centinel]

. . . and if that doesn't work, show him the goods.

i don't get why you think that you need to turn the self-critical light on yourself (to paraphrase ms. f). it would be one thing if your friends said, "you know, men don't like it when you only talk about intellectual stuff to show how smart you are" rather than "you are intimidating to men because of your big personality."

if you heard the former message a lot of times, then it might be cause to say, "maybe i should consider whether i'm trying to impress men by showing them i'm smart and why i do that."

if it's the latter message you keep getting, the one that says you are too "intimidating," it doesn't mean you have a personality defect. i think you're considering too many alpha-dogs (or faux alpha dogs) who have a view of relationships that you might not share. and if that is the case, why pursue that? it might work to tone things down in order to attract the guy, but could you keep that act up for the rest of your days? and if you could, would that be the kind of thing you want to teach your kids to do to have successful relationships--to be less than they are if it makes someone else happy?

i, too, have a big personality, a good education,and a strong sense of independence. when i was younger guys would SAY they found this attractive, but it only lasted until my big personality butted up against theirs. then they'd see it as a competition that someone had to "win," and it wasn't ever supposed to be me.

i knew i had found The One when i realized he was the only guy i'd ever dated around whom i felt completely comfortable being myself. i didn't feel like i had to tone it down so that he wouldn't feel challenged. he never asked me not to be me. he is comfortable enough in his own skin that he doesn't measure his worth by the number of people he can keep beneath him. i say that only to let you know that having a big or intimidating personality does not render you defective.

and finally, you say that one of the things you are most proud of about yourself is that you are sensitive and kind, but you worry that the guys you date aren't seeing that. have you considered that maybe they do see it, but it's just not what those guys care about most? and if that is true, are those the ones you want to end up with?

[mad]

Sherry, you are not going to be alone if you don't want to be - you're fabulous, and someone equally amazing will become your partner for life.

I wanted to quote the previous commment: "i knew i had found The One when i realized he was the only guy i'd ever dated around whom i felt completely comfortable being myself. i didn't feel like i had to tone it down so that he wouldn't feel challenged. he never asked me not to be me. he is comfortable enough in his own skin that he doesn't measure his worth by the number of people he can keep beneath him. i say that only to let you know that having a big or intimidating personality does not render you defective."

I think that's pretty much dead-on, and also sums up my own experience in finding a mate. It took me a long time, and I went through so much of what you've been writing about, and I know how hard it can be to feel as though somehow you aren't the kind of person who ends up with a life partner. But you are, you ARE!

I'm curious why you are defending your friend, and am wondering what the rest of the story is (though of course I respect and understand why you're keeping it to yourself). Because from where I sit, he does sound like he's either insecure, or "just not that into you" (ugh, how I hate that expression), or afraid of starting something that could be For Real.

So, I dunno. I don't think you need to change anything about yourself, and I don't have any real advice for finding the right guy. But I do think you'll find him, or he'll find you, or whatever.

[Hondo]

From everything I've read, I don't believe that you are undateable. And I don't buy the "alpha dog" theory either. Relationships are much too complex to be reduced to such simple terms.

[n]

I think you should try to stop taking everything everyone says at face value. Sometimes people say things that aren't true, or just aren't accurate. So you should try to think of what else might be going on in his head.

[a]

Whew - what comments!

I think the alpha-dog comment he made as to not-dating is too broad. You don't seem very much like an alpha dog. You compromise, you are flexible. You are demanding, but you are fair. A bright personality, large presence, and a hearty laugh don't make one an alpha-dog.

It seems to me the trick is to get him to realize he's not all alpha-dog either -- talk about where each of you are shaky, and lacking, and looking to improve.

Obviously the strong-willed, successful alpha-parts of your two personalities fit -- you have a blast together in social settings. How well do you understand all the other nuances? How well does he understand -- or want to understand -- himself?

You recently broke down a lot of social-walls. You aren't the picture of young success anymore - the lawyer looking out over the bay. You are self-assured and confident (mostly) about your choices. Is he afraid not of YOU, but of what your-way means for him?

You can explain to him all the ways he wouldn't be second fiddle, but he has to believe it. And while you can help teach him how to believe it, he has to learn that for himself.

[PG]

Many people feel attraction based on strength, but fall in love based on vulnerability. You want to be around someone because he makes you feel good, but you want to stay with him because you can make him feel good too.

This sometimes leads to the cliche of the woman who only falls for guys she wants to "fix," but it generally manifests in less pathological ways.

You are sensitive and kind, and I think this must be obvious to people you meet as well as to people on this blog. Sensitivity and kindness are part of being a successful personality (how many friends do the insensitive and mean generally have? who wants them at a party?)

I'll reiterate what I said on another post of yours, about this time last month, where you said people told you that you came across as "completely inaccessible for dating":

'Which is a good distinction to remember, as you seem like a very accessible person for other kinds of relationships: daughter, friend, teacher, co-worker. I wonder if it's because you give people such warm vibes in these other ways that they feel like the "accessible for dating" one is overshadowed. Maybe what you intend as flirtatious is sometimes read as just you being the really nice friendly person you are.'

The guy you mention in this post must know that you're sensitive and kind because you say he knows you well, and he knows you can be vulnerable because you've discussed your dating life. I don't really understand why he thinks that you're a person who overwhelms her boyfriends. I'm not going to claim that I can tell you what's going on here, because you've given pretty limited information (as you probably should) and it's hard to tell what's going on in his head. All I can say is that perhaps your relationships happened more easily when it was clear that you needed someone else. People like to be needed.

[Elfie]

Look, some of this is just statistics. I know I've said it before, but men don't really want to date up -- they (in my humble opinion) do want to be smarter/stronger than their mates. Or at least as strong, so that they don't feel like they have to work. Many men feel a deep need to be needed, and have their woman rely upon them. A woman who is self-reliant, intelligent, and strong will have a smaller pool to draw from because there aren't that many men at or above your level! But you know YOURSELF that you want to be able to lean on a man and rely upon him. You aren't undateable: the pool of suitable men for you is merely very small. You dated more when you were weak because you seemed less strong and more vulnerable, but also because your own standards dropped out of desperation. Be honest. Hold on, hold out. It is harder to find the right guy when you are smart and independent, but infinitely worth the wait. And you are right about cuteness: men don't swoon over brains, that grows on them. Feel cute, and you are half-way there. Want my advice? Get out of your own fishbowl and take a trip to Europe or someplace for a month. Change of scene helps with these pits of self-doubt. Want my other cheaper advice? Join a rock gym. They are full of men with good biceps and enough spare income to buy gear. Low stress outings with several people happen regularly to climb as a group. It builds WICKED arms and shoulders. A very good place to meet men and get to know them before they learn to freak out about whether you are smarter than they are. Change where you are looking a little bit. Think about it: if you were in the woods looking for mushrooms and found none, you'd move to a different spot, right? Turn over a different log, dear: you'll find something worth trying.

[bt]

S. This is complex shite. You have my absolute best wishes in sorting it all out. For what it's worth, I'm sure you will work it out, and I'm sure you won't be alone for the rest of your life. That's silly talk.

[l.]

Ok, I'm going to put this another way - and I did NOT mean to imply you're not cute enough, S. From the pictures I've seen, you're adorable.

First, I have three dates this week. (But none from internet dating, b/c I'm technologically inept). And it's a slow week because of the holidays. I also have a ton of guy friends, varying from players to sweethearts. So I may be wrong about some things, but in general, flirting is kind of my thing and I understand guys fairly well.

Imho, dating is a negotiation. For the guy, options vary from "I want to ask you to dinner with the possibility of a relationship" to "I want to make out with you, no strings." Anything less than dinner is not being respectful to the girl, and they know it.

The girl can start negotiations by flirting, but the first offer from the guy is when the game begins. And you never accept the first offer, right? So when a guy says "blah, blah, blah... I can't date you..." he's negotiating, not explaining.

Now, I am pretty down on this particular so-called alpha dog for a couple reasons: 1) He is a friend, but he lowballed the first offer considerably. 2) He then moved to "Prove yourself to me" with the whole "I don't want you to change thing" I'm sure there's a lot of nuance in there. But it doesn't sound good. 3) You felt bad after this interaction. It's important to stay away from people who play the game as zero sum/ego stroking. The game should be light, with tension like that between good salsa dancers. If feelings are getting hurt, that's a really good clue that someone isn't playing fair.

Anyway, so you have your first offer "I can't date you unless...." DO NOT talk about the "unless," or what he wants at all. Talk about WHY he wants it. That puts the pressure back on him and gives you negotiating room and ideas for a counter offer. (Common negotiation technique, btw, is to downgrade your opponent so they'll either be tempted to sell themselves short or to go on the defensive. Don't fall for dirty tricks, y'all...) This is why you have the have the attitude that he must prove himself, because if you can't walk away, you'll make a bad deal.

So, the whole "smart girls" post above lists the reasons I think smart girls lose their power, even though they start with the upper hand.

Oh, and for what it's worth, no matter how many guys ask me out, secretly I'm deathly afraid I'll be alone forever because they will never take me seriously enough to be in a real relationship. Guys may tell smart girls "You're too intimidating..." but they're using the same negotiating technique on girly girls by saying "You're so cute, it's just that I need someone who can help me in my career..." The common denominator is that the guy is just being an ass because he wants you to try to prove yourself, thereby losing the game and stroking his ego. But I digress. S., you are not going to be alone. You are awesome and impressive and intimidating only when you want to be. Enjoy it.

[TP]

I happened upon this site and found your post intriguing since I have found myself in your position before. I actually had a therapist (at my one and only visit with a therapist) - - a female one - - tell me that 8 out of 10 men would prefer to date the legal secretary than the lawyer (my profession) because they are intimidated by beautiful, smart, successful women. I was peeved for awhile by her comment, but then I decided that IF what she said is true, then I prefer to limit the men in my life to the 20% who can appreciate me. I have reached a point in my life where I won't tweek my personality for a man. I did that in the past, and it was a complete waste of everyone's time. Keep your guy as a friend, but don't waste your time trying to pursue anything more. He's not worth it.

[Mackenzie]

This post actually hits me pretty hard, too. I think the male equivalent is the whole nice guy phenomenon, as much as I dislike that name.

I agree that saying that you are a wonderful person and that guys should appreciate you is scant consolation. I agree that many men in the world don't seek out women with those characteristics, generally. At the same time, there are a number of guys out there that would fit, they just happen to be a small minority. It's discouraging, I know.

Some of us have gone through a lot to become who we are, either by accident or by design. To find that we have succeeded in gaining certain qualities, that we like who we are, and that it simultaneously cuts off some opportunities is tough. I don't have an answer, or even terribly meaningful input, but I can say that I sympathize.

I do think there are men out there who really can appreciate and even seek out your qualities. They may be rare, but they are out there. Of course, I have to believe that, because if there are men for you, there might be women for me.

[Moe Murphy]

I think the comments on dating as "negotiation" are great "realpolitic" for the world of social interaction.

Dating is a process -- I suggest an excellent guide "The Technique Of The Love Affair" by Norrie Epstein (reprint of book written in the 1920's, cool, dignified, stunning, and very wicked!).

Feeling bad after an interaction is a bad sign (I also agree, a "friend" who kisses you, then tells you you are not "dating material" has insulted you as a woman and is NOT your friend, nuance be damned)

My true opinion on technique with this dude?

a.) Be unavailable to him emotionally/socially for at least three months;

b.) look sexy and hot (and I know you are!)

c.) work on gathering around you at least 3-4 men (doesn't matter who) who are panting after you --

d.) make sure he sees this;

e.) if he comes around and wants to "date" (friendship not an option) no kiss for a month, no bootie for 6 months.

Believe me, you'll make that Alpha Dog pant for you!

Relations between the sexes are intricate and not always kind. This above sounds crass, but the payoff may be a wonderful life, beautiful chubby babies, and great sailing for the two of you.

[julie]

Great topic, needed for exposure and discussion...sharing, therapeutically!!

"Alpha Dogs"? Is there a way to be "bored" with the pecking order, and just be who you/anyone is -- and emerge as a leader somewhere...and then not otherwheres?!

And being with a man who sees it that way: who is secure enough within himself to be able to "let go" and appreciate a strong woman?

Strong doesn't necessarily mean "dominating" or bullyish or any of those things. Human strength through such qualities as courage, values, love, tenderness, thoughtfulness -- and HOW executed (hopefully with tact and some amount of care!) -- well, who can resist that?

Only an "Alpha Dog" who needs to "be in charge"? Too bad for him, as he is an inwardly unfree man.

This man who kissed you while at the same time telling you that you are "undateable" --well, then why is he kissing you for heaven's sake. Especially romantically kissing? That's a date in itself!!

He's CONFUSING. Tell him so in the kindest way possible.... tell him it made you feel confused, even angry....but go deeper: ask him why he's kissing you then...and why he's saying what he's saying--ask for simple answers (men don't like these long discussions):

Then the truth/fun begins!!

Why is he accepting "Alpha Dog" about himself? Does he want to be that inwardly tied-up to the need to clasp power? Ask him if he feels good about that? And if he does,

then the truth/fun continues:

Why does he need to cling to this ego-power thing? If he lets go, will he feel that the woman, you, will "run him over"? Will you? If so, he's always FREE (if inwardly free from power-clinging, especially) to stop you at any point if you "get out of hand" like all of us can do sometimes!

So, what's the problem?

Do YOU need to "cling to power" as if it is a lifeline, it keeping you tied up and out of the stream of living, really? I doubt it. You simply are strong, a leader sometimes, significantly.

If you DO need to "cling to power", then you too can "let go"....

then the fun/truth seeking can go further:

-------

Howabout you both letting go of this "power thing" -- maybe over a glass of wine -- just one -- to relax and simply BE ---

Have some fun. Save your intellectual banter for Online and "discussion times" [make them fun though]...but just "BE" with each other!

==========

I've had the same problem as you.... I'm presently dealing with a couple of men this way, but usually I do not have this trouble as a pattern. Men generally see that I have pretty good balance between assertiveness and humility. However, since in recent years I've been involved in some leadership situations not of my seeking -- and adding Political Activism in the mix out of outrage at the injustices -- and my teaching in the Arts and Yoga --

Well I've become this "strong one" -- but with times of loneliness and desire for real loving support...

I understand you this way.

Thank you for putting all this publicly "out there" Online! Thank you, thank you. My writing to you and all here helps...and I hope it helps you!

------------

One of the men in question claims he's an "Alpha type"...and said that he and I each "seek dominance". Whereas, that is merely his perception. I do NOT "seek" dominance. I have emerged as a leader in some important instances where no one else would "do the job" as such or where very needed and I had the skills....even received encouragement from people TO be the "leader'.

But I also have a fearful, shy side.... usually eventually displaced with courage.

You must have your vulnerabilities, too. Not a bad idea to share them with your "friend"....and let him share his.

This man I know in question is a charm but has confused me. We are "on a break" now... and I feel wonderful to be free of the problem, but at the same time I desire to reap the benefit of communicating with him -- sans this "dominance" or "alpha" issue. He is British...but has been in this country since the 80's. The Brits -- well I'm told the men are pretty "macho", even the "nice ones" are! Hopefully he's getting the hang of the less-macho American society (with machos lurking here and there of course).

IF ONLY HE AND MEN LIKE HIM WOULD REALIZE THAT HE'S TYING HIMSELF UP IN KNOTS TO REMAIN "MACHO" AND NEEDY FOR CLINGING TO "POWER". TRUE POWER IS INWARDLY FREE AND DOES NOT CURTAIL ANOTHER'S POWER OR EVEN ANOTHER'S EGOTISM IN ANY WAY (except as it goes over irrational boundaries).

INWARD FREEDOM....and then free to find REAL intimacy of spirits together!! Equals, friends, children once again, sharing!!

Perhaps I can engage him in the same kind of conversation as suggested here, above. Once I suggested to him a "PeaceDialogue". But he would not imbibe (I guess because I suggested it....it appearing then as my having the "upper hand" -- which is ridiculous, I just wanted peace and understanding!!!). Instead he wrote back about how we each "seek dominance". A total misperception about me.

I seek truth....and that creates its own leadership or followership or whatever, as the case may be!!

--------

Now there exists a sad paradox...and I've experienced this twice or so with men: They inspire and motivate you/us women into creative and very constructive action or expression -- and then the man "gets jealous" of this and even tries to "put you down" then....oppress you in various ways, even if with the "silent treatment" or not "encouraging your success". It's horrible, mean stuff. The relationship eventually sours, unless the man starts to loosen up and LET GO--------

of this "Alpha Dog" stuff!!

HE inspired you; then he puts YOU down for it! This is truly SAD SAD.

------

Some of them are master gameplayers who see woman as little more than a pawn in a chess game. This is dangerous stuff...and sometimes the men don't even realize what they are doing. If they DO know, then it's worse -- even on the evil side: playing with someone's mind and emotions. Double messages and all that.

This British man shines in other fields... I happen to shine in communication fields (usually). I appreciate his artistic and constructive fields of endeavor. And he may appreciate mine (newly getting to know him). But the COMMUNICATION between us does show this

yes, "Alpha Dog" tendency -- at his admittance: again, he calls himself an "Alpha type personality"; and he admitted "seeking dominance".

Now this is the first step to recovery: admitting and identifying the problem--as he has done. Maybe there is hope, then!!

Perhaps during this "break time" he will rethink all of this and the absurdity, really, of "seeking dominance" when the only legitimate "seeking" is for truth, EUREKA!:)

=========

Well, enough said. Give of the Heart as you ask of his Heart...and perhaps the flowering of Love/love/love - will come!

Indeed, get him to COMMUNICATE openly, and to LET GO over that glass of wine....LET GO of the macho ropes tying him up and keeping him from TRUE intimacy of spirits with you!
And true integrity with himself!!

Blessings...from respect for you, and thank you for having this topic Online!

jyt

[me]

If a person's into u, there wouldn't be any excuse of why he couldn't be with u.

Perhaps it's just a strong attraction between both of u, but in the long run, it wouldn't hav worked if any party is unsure of himself or herself.

Hope everything works out the best for u.

Cheers.

[FaFii]

Waaaaaaw, its is if you are speaking about me !! i am totally into this problem but the exception is that we didnt confront each other, but it is all of our friends speak about just when they think we aren't hearing, cant get a clue, i dont want to be another person and yet i need love in my life, espicially that i loved only once b4 and it was a total failure, coz we were still kinda kids at high school ,now when i am in college and i am starting to fall into someone i just dont need my personality to stand in the way HELPPPP, if you've reached any answer tell me coz i am at a mess, feeling like i am a weirdo :(

[Janet Burwell]

I am writing in regards to the article. I had an experience that really broke my heart. I was talking to this man for a couple of weeks we laughed and talked for hours everynight on the phone. Talked about meeting up. When I started to be straight forward with him about certain things his whole attitude changed. He said I was alpha and that we would not get along, at the time I had no idea what he was taling about. He said he also was alpha and we would no way get along. I became really sad after I opened up to him about some of my real true feelings. My question is why would it take him so long to decide we would not get along. I asked him if he would ever call me again and he said probably not it would make no sense. I am totally confused about all this..Is this how alpha men are?
Then he said he needed time to think about things. I have no idea what to think now. Is he just putting me on hold. What am i suppose to think of all this. Anyone have any advice for me i am willing to listen..

[Jennifer]

Thank you for sharing your story.

Ever since an early age my mother had told me that I have a strong personality and I have had friends (I'm now in my early 20s) reinforce the notion of a particular impression I may tend to make on others. Some friends have used the terms "abrasive," "weird," among phrases so as to remind me that I have what is a strong personality. Some people have told me that I can be intimidating. I'm tall and beautiful, too, so I suppose that is an added bonus, and I make no self-deprecating apologies for the abundance of gifts I have been blessed with. Guess what? Tact ain't one of them. Damn.

It is a lonely road when one is so self confident and independent. I am not the giggling type who flashes her pretty smile to win the affections of men. Yet, if something strikes me as funny, then watch out, I will burst into a roaring fit of laughter. My laugh is a deep, real, and very animated one, that when it happens, I thoroughly enjoy a good outburst of joy.

So, Miss Personailty, the reason I feel compelled to share this with you is that I think I am finally understanding some things here in life. I am understanding what it means not to settle. (In terms of partners, friends, career, etc). And I also get what it means to love yourself for who you are but to not get too comfortable, for there's always room for self-improvement.

If being known as the alpha dog is apparently a con is this man's cost/benefit analysis serves as his justification to reject you, then apparently, he is not self assured enough to be comfortable with you. AND THAT IS NOBODY'S FAULT. Especially not yours. I don't what to judge anyone, but he sounds like a friggin' weenie.
Frankly, you don't need him.

So, listen up. Ditch that ZERO and get yourself a HERO ASAP.

Best wishes on your journey. I bet there is someone or several someones out there in that great ocean -- many eligibile fishies who would have no trouble keeping up with a strong, self-assured, brilliantly fearless, fun loving, and FRIGGIN' AWESOME woman that you seem to be!

Let them hear you roar. And when they do, don't accept those into your life as potential romance partners who don't enjoy roaring on back WITH ya!!!

If someone truly cares for you, then she or he won't use your personality as a barrier for not loving you, and if someone does do that then tell her or him to get bent because she or he is a stupid mother f*&^ker.

[Vasudeo]

Dear whosoever,

I read your original article. It is nice. You have said that you have strong personality and men find it intimidating or whatever. They have full right to do so. Think of yourself in front of Hitler, or Jesus Christ or Moses or Lord Buddha. Who were they? How will you find yourself in front of them? They were all strong people. And real strength is not in showing, but being strong and doing strong. You have not mentioned anything about what you do. I assume you work somewhere as employee. And you might be working as manager or something like that. How do your co-workers feel about you?

Dear strong personality is a strong deed. Not strong mouth. People probably judge you by how you say whatever you do. You don't seem to be knowing much about the world either. You have not projected how much do you read etc about your subject of study or work etc. It probably mean that you are not strong. You are weak. You just make a drama of being strong.

People can understand strong and weak easily. It clearly seems to me that you are depressed or you are absolutely not confident. Showing big big persona is only visible trait of the depression. You only have mentioned that you were "loved" when you were "low on confidence". Dear you used to be candid then. Now you are not candid. Why should anyone come to you to "see" your confidence?

Mother Teressa was extremely confident, charismatic, strong, tough woman. But she never never never had any strong traits. Try to be that.

Enough for today.

Regards,
Vasudeo

[Tiffany]

Wow. This is a clip from an email i wrote to a recent ex-boyfriend just last night..."I know I have a lot to learn about my role in a romantic relationship…that being the feminine one. Somehow, over the years I’ve come into such an ‘Alpha association’,,,ultimately, in romance that’s not the role I want."

I too want an alpha male...someone strong enough, confident enough to 'handle me'. I got married young, we stayed together for 15 years and divorced 4 years ago. Within the last year I took part in 'on line dating' for about 6 months and in my profile, regarding what i was looking for i wrote, "...We'll respect each other above all else and be open, honest and communicative. He will support what I love and I will do the same. He will be strong but not overbearing...he will be someone who exudes a silent confidence and appreciates my strength. We will be proud of each other and have a playful, competitive dynamic but never feel truly competative." This really is so hard to find...ultimately, i do believe there is a powerful undercurrent within the dynamic between a 'powerful woman' and men which can be destructive. Even with undeniable 'chemistry' there's an eroding element that enters into the relationship at some point which seems to be inherently associated with gender roles. Seemingly, the romantic feelings get diluted by the aforementioned 'undercurrent'.

With all of this acknowledged, I have found a sense of peace in letting go of the need for controlling the circumstances of my life. The most wisdom i have been able to muster is this...be true to your nature, if you are blessed with a good heart/good soul you can be sure that going through each minute of life being the best person that you are capable of (certainly variable among these many minutes) will land you where you need to be (and most hopefully with the mate you were meant to be with!). Being the best you can at any given moment might certainly include a close analysis of,,,and maybe a little refinement of how we behave around the men-folk. Thoughts...?