I Miss You

I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.  A combination of this boot camp and a cold that won't go away, and the rapid turmoil happening around me as Housemate and 517 plan to move out in a couple of weeks and get married in a few months.  I'm talking to new potential roommates and trying to figure out basic household administrivia -- do I need to buy a vacuum cleaner?  Which cookware is mine, and which is about to disappear from the kitchen?  Ack. 

Meanwhile I've been getting to know a new fellow, which is a slow process that my impatient mind wants to rush and categorize and make lots of rules and judgments about.  And Tuesday night I went to the sports bar to watch the UNC/Virginia Tech game and found myself the object of the attentions of a handsome pilot, in town on a brief layover, who made me laugh and touched the small of my back.  Felt nice.  And an old flame is coming through town and suggests dinner, and a guy I met at a Christmas party wants to see me next week, and was it only three weeks ago that I concluded I was undateable?  Perhaps that was premature. 

Anyway, all this hasn't left a lot of time or attention for my routine, which includes blogging.  The title of this post is "I Miss You" and that's true -- I miss comments, a sense of connection with you folks, mysterious strangers to me but somehow friendly forces in my life.  But I realize as I'm writing this that I miss me.  I miss my own sense of groundedness in my own life.  I miss time to reflect, which is what this time, sitting here composing a post and uncovering what it is I really feel, means for me. 

With this new guy I'm getting to know, I'm trying NOT to reflect too much.  I'm trying to just be in the moment, but I'm amazed at how much my brain wants to hijack that unfolding process, to make lists of pros and cons, to compare and contrast.  It's too soon to conclude or analyze anything.   I think that was one of the things I realized in this post.  My habit of pinpointing and articulating feelings, as if explaining something makes it all understandable and safe, might not be all that appropriate or useful.  It's like what the football coach said the other day.  To make the most out of practice: show up, shut up, and get up.  Sometimes I need to shut up and just do things.  I'm in the habit of articulating and analyzing most everything that I experience.  Time and motion and exhaustion and self-restraint are keeping me from doing that right now.  I think it's good for me.  But I miss it.  And I miss sharing it with you. 

Are you still there?  Anything to say to me?  I'd love to hear from you, in the comments.  Maybe because everything's changing, I'd like to know you'll be there with me. 

Comments

[l.]

Yay! Boys falling from the ceiling tiles, huh? What are you up to in that cold northern state, miss thing! Dating's fun, isn't it? Enjoy your riches... (I told you you're adorable!)

[hilllady]

Funny how when you shake up old patterns a) you're open to new things coming into your life, and they come; and b) the old patterns wail, "What about us?!" Things will settle out again soon enough. Enjoy the ride.

[a]

Some of this may also be a natural cycle -- I found this year the holiday season to be a huge mess of craziness, in both good and bad ways. I never thought I'd be in the position of talking about the "crazy holiday season" but there I was (here I am). And finally... slowly... a routine is beginning again, or so I hope, but a routine that also makes room for all of the new.

And as a side (or maybe not so side) note: if you enjoy the sitting an analyzing and categorizing, you should still make time to do it. Maybe not let it totally run your course of action (ie, don't always just believe your conclusions!) but it may also prove too difficult to totally fight your insticts, or just not necessary.

Be you, be happy.

[MT]

Aw shucks. Yeah, we're here. Our eyeballs belong to you.

[James]

"Administrivia" - brilliant !

[MT]

But will you still need us if it should come to be decided that this guy's "the one"? I doubt it. Unless he likes being blogged about. Check for us? Otherwise, I dunno if we can give our assent.

[Dan]

It seems to me, that once you've decided that you're "undateable" then things happen really quickly.

When I first me my wife, she and her best friend had both basically decided that they were going to be "old maids." Two months later she was engaged... and it took a half-hour to convince her best friend that she was seriously, really engaged. :D

[womanofthelaw]

Are you kidding? Here as much as I ever was!! Such excitement and change over the past year!

[will]

UNC v. Va Tech??!??!??!?!? What horrible taste in schools!!!!!!

(UVa grad)

I think when you concentrate on yourself, then others tend to show up

[Jeff]

If you need a vacuum, buy a Dyson. Period.

[Al Wheeler]

About half a minute into reading this post I switched my musical selection to "It's Raining Men". It seemed appropriate somehow.

[Weeble]

Still here as always...

I can totally relate to the desire to rush things. To overanalyze. Just enjoying the moment is more of a challenge it seems. Not sure why... Sounds like you've got lots of possibilities. Enjoy the ride!

[Elfie]

Congrats on a new shake up in the status quo! And on working not to think so much when the small of your back likes a guy.

[Elfie]

Great news!

[The Happy Feminist]

Still here -- and on the edge of my seat!

[Notorious BLT]

I'm not sure why, but it does seem that changes aggregates into short chunks of time. It's like the penomena of lines. They're never steady, either short or long for many reasons both obvious and hidden.

If you ever want to double-date give us a ring.

[PG]

Seconding Will on everything he said. And regarding the guy from church, consider this your time to jump in the fountain at the Plaza Hotel.

(Jump in the fountain at the Plaza Hotel is a catchall phrase for laying up the experience that you can analyze later for writing material; F. Scott Fitzgerald.)