All Requests: How Important is Chemistry?

Melissa wonders about the importance of initial chemistry as she ponders how to respond to a guy who asked her out:

He's nice enough, smart enough, stable enough, not terrible to look at, etc., but you don't feel any sort of spark or chemistry with him. Do you decline because of the absence of spark, or do you give it a try thinking that maybe the chemistry will come later?

I wrote a long post about this but for some reason I don't really like it.  The essence of what I said was this: go out with the guy. 

In general, some guys will make you recoil internally, even if you could make a long list of their positive attributes.  (Maybe your mom already has.)  Don't go out with those guys.  And some guys you see across a room and even as you pretend to make conversation with your friends, most of your attention is spent tracking that guy for the rest of the evening and plotting how, inevitably, you are going to get near him.  That's the obvious chemistry.  I've only met a few people, fewer than five, who really grabbed my attention like this.  Do go talk to those guys, and enjoy the tingle and excitement, but don't confuse that kind of attraction for anything significant, or for an indication of true compatibility.  I think it's as rare as perfect pitch, and probably no more relevant to the foundation of a strong relationship. 

But with everyone else, I think chemistry emerges on a date in a way it doesn't in groups. 

Give it a chance.  For me, I've discovered that a big component of my attraction to someone is responsive.  By that I mean it comes out in the presence of someone's attraction to me, and not usually before. How is he looking at me?  This eye contact, what does it feel like?  Do I want to touch his arm?  Sometimes in the presence of an attentive man I notice flirtation without particularly caring.  Sometimes I find myself sidestepping interest, or feeling mild irritation if someone finds an excuse to touch me casually.  This is a data point.  Sometimes I find myself suddenly shy after a moment of eye contact, looking away, a surprising flutter in the stomach.  I find myself wondering if he's going to touch me, hoping he will.  This is a data point.  But I can't really predict ahead of time.  It's keyed to a personality I like, a sense of goodness, and also to hard to articulate things that show up in body language: ease, confidence, interest in me, willingness to assert himself, awareness of surroundings, sensitivity.  These things show up in one-on-one interactions differently than in groups.

Go out with the guy.  If it's fun, but you're still not sure, go out with him again.  If you figure out the answer is that the chemistry isn't there, it's legitimate to say a friendly and sincere version of, "I enjoyed your company, and will look forward to our paths crossing, but I don't feel the spark that I've learned I need for dating."  It's a little bit awkward to say that, but it needn't be a friendship killer.  We're grown-ups now, and we all know that sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't no matter how fabulous, attractive, worthy, and loveable two human beings are.

The other reason to go out with him is that dates are fun.  Even bad dates aren't that bad.  If you fret and hold out for everything to be perfect, or worry about the possibility of incompatibilty before you even go out with something, you'll never date at all and the ones you go on will be loaded with a perilous pressure.  Just go out with the guy.  Have fun, be friendly, and see what it feels like.  You'll know more after the date than you do now. 

As far as fretting about wasting someone's time or giving him the wrong impression or awkwardness if you decide not to keep dating, I don't think that's a big worry.  You can't deliberately mislead someone, so if you've come to a place where you know you don't want to keep spending time with someone, you shouldn't accept further invitations. It's ideal if you say something, gently, to that effect.  But otherwise, I wouldn't worry about the implications.  Go, see what you feel, and work from there.  My readers will tell me if there are any other guidelines for you.  What else does Melissa need to know?    

Comments

[Jess]

I agree. A year and a half ago a guy I knew surprised me by asking me out. I was happy to go, but wasn't sure if I really had "the spark" for him. After a handful of dates I was extremely sure that I did, in fact, feel "the spark". We were married 8 months later.

I think sometimes you just can't tell whether you and another person will click romantically unless you let yourself actually experience what they are like in that mode, and vice versa.

[l.]

I think it's presumptuous and misguided to think you "know" ahead of time everything you need to know about a person or a situation. You may be smart, but no one is that smart. I think you have it exactly right sweetie, just give people and situations a chance to reveal themselves. It's soooooo much more fun that way.

Besides, it's really offensive to have a checklist and cross people off because they don't meet some standard you set up. Obviously, this doesn't apply to things like "kind and considerate." But categories less central to a person - like hair or a taste for fine dining - shouldn't be a reason to assume you're never going to click.

[jaime]

compare these two interactions:

a) you feel this instant, ineffable attraction to a person 20 feet away.

b) you engage in a conversation with a person, talking about life, politics, sports, food.

which one might lead to a long-lasting spark?

[Dan]

I'd have to agree that you should give it a chance... the best relationships are based on friendship. It should be the foundation of any good relationship. It was for me and Gee.

[PGirl]

Jaime, great post. I think that hands down, (b) will have a longer-lasting spark. I have to be honest though: (a) is usually what makes me want to have the (b) conversation with a guy.

[jaime]

PGirl, yes, this is probably true for most of us, most of the time. The thing is, how often do you find yourself attracted to a person, based on the initial vibes, only to be disappointed by the total lack of connection, sometimes within seconds, or minutes of talking. Have you noticed that the more you like a person, the more attractive s/he is? And, when you don't, the "glow" that surrounds the person dissolves? This kind of begs for a two-tiered chemical rush, doesn't it? The first that draws two together. The second sustains the connection. Hmmm... I wonder if the more educated readers of this blog know the answer to this.