Snobbery

We're all snobs, I guess.  And I know we're all hypocrites.  So I don't know why I get so steamed by other people's snobbery.  I do, though.  I hold it against them, even if it doesn't affect me much.  My own snobbery I call "discernment."  But in other people it seems so ugly and blind.  I need to be better about eradicating my own ridiculous rules and categories about other people before I begrudge other people theirs.  But I'm not that advanced yet, so I'm going to gripe. 

A woman friend of Neighbor's, who was at the shower yesterday, loves her dearly.  It's a sweet, fierce love, and Neighbor revels in it.  But a side effect of this woman's love is a strong interest in Neighbor's friends and relations -- a protective scrutiny, a self-appointed task of evaluating whether these other hangers-on are worthy of Neighbor's special attention.  It's pretty transparent and maddening to both 517 and I.  Maybe it's more maddening because she doesn't seem to think very highly of either of us, and if she talks to us at all it's to run us through a conversational obstacle course designed to test our merits in the areas she cares about.  She does not feign interest in any topics outside of this scope.

517 and I egg one another on in a half-joking hostility toward The Snob.  This vexes Neighbor, who loves her, and who wants us to love her, too.  We talk about her at dinner from time to time.  My official stance is that I can tell The Snob loves Neighbor very much, and I know they have a rich friendship, and I'm glad that she takes such an interest in Neighbor.  She's smart, interesting, talented.  But part of me is still steamed.  It's offensive to be screened so overtly.  Do I jump through her hoops to gain her approval so that we can move past the screening stage?  I probably should, but the adolescent in me doesn't want to play her game, and keeps the parts I think she'd most approve of deliberately out of view.  And it offends me on behalf of Neighbor.  What kind of friend would have so little deference to a friend's judgment?  How can she really respect Neighbor if she seems to think her friends and relations are of dubious merit unless they make it through her filters? 

I make nice and stay out of the way, and then grumble with 517 privately.  This doesn't seem like the ideal solution. 

Comments

[Bill]

You're giving Snob WAY too much credit. You seem to be saying that, because she loves Neighbor, she has every right to be rude to you since she's doing it for the right reasons. That is highly unlikely. The reason this snob is critical of you and others is because she is insecure and jealous of Neighbor's attention. "Protective" is simply another word for "possessive".

[misspixie]

I agree with Bill. It sounds like she's possessive and jealous of you and 517, since both of you are potential threats to her friendship with Neighbor. And perhaps Neighbor loves Snob's friendship because it is so validating; it's flattering to have a friend who thinks that no one is good enough for you.

But on another note, I will say that sometimes, when I am in the presence of Snobs, I find myself throwing out my resume lines and most impressive accomplishments, such as they are, in order to gain their approval. I never like myself in this mood, but often find that I don't realize what's happening until I'm in the middle of name-dropping. Oh, it's insidious. And unpleasant. So I heartily approve the adolescent, contrarian tendency to refuse to engage in such behavior. Good work!

Sometimes, I find that addressing the problem head on is the best course. Maybe she's not conscious of how she appears to you and 517. If it is insecurity, as opposed to oblivion or lack of self-awareness, then sometimes it's helpful to flesh those insecurities out. Maybe she's afraid you don't like her, either, and just overcompensates.
I sympathize with those adolescent tendencies, though.

[Dan]

Bill's point is excellent... if the Snob really had Neighbor's best interests at heart, she wouldn't be hostile to people who are obviously important to Neighbor.

[PG]

I'd be inclined to tilt my head, smile at her and ... call her on it. If her hoops require that you have particular interests, the next time she asks "Have you read/ seen/ met/ thought about X?" answer honestly and if you said yes, add in a joking tone "I hope that was the right answer," or if you said no, "I hope you won't think even worse of me." Let her realize that whether she intends it or not, her behavior is coming across in an unfriendly way.

"If she talks to us at all it's to run us through a conversational obstacle course designed to test our merits in the areas she cares about. She does not feign interest in any topics outside of this scope."

An effective counter-measure could be for you to feign interest in the topics within her scope, treating these things as not just screening comments or questions, but things that maybe she was genuinely interested in. Then, maybe when you present a topic point that is of interest to you, she'll feign interest back. If you keep playing at this game, you might even end up on a mutually-enjoyed topic, and neither of you will be simply pretending to be interested anymore.