Stay of Execution: Dashing, Download

Stuff in my head that I am busting to sit down and think through and write about, but that I'll just drop down here before I run off to my next obligation:

1) overwhelm and practical details, and how to break through my own paralysis about that.

(Yesterday I solved the garage door problem and the shower drain problem, and made a date with my mom to tackle the yard together, and I bought the parts to repair the leaky toilet, although step 1 of the directions, "turn off the water supply" had me paralyzed again and will require someone who knows something about plumbing to help me. And I at least got my head around what's wrong with the garbage disposal, and I cleaned and vacuumed my car, and I made a date to go to Home Depot with a friend who will stand beside me and scratch her head with me as we at least begin to figure out how to solve the crumbling tile problem in the bathroom. And I am flooded with so much relief, from making headway on these million small physical problems. Why they drain me and overwhelm me so much is a mystery.)

2) asking for help and ohmygoodness actually accepting it. Why am I so bad at this? It's been lifelong. The tip jar, wow, it's poking me in these tender places and I feel amazed and gratified and also scared and unworthy, and because it coincides with this phase of feeling depressed and isolated I've been in the process of examining the ways I am guarded and the ways I am vulnerable and how difficult it is for me sometimes to open up and let people help me. And the tip jar feels like an example of that, sort of a clear and obvious one, and the crazy feelings I get when I see someone has donated. I don't know how to explain it. I'm amazed and excited and delighted and grateful, but a part of me feels wobbly and ashamed and unworthy, and those two feelings contradict and coexist and the whole thing is really an experience that is tossing me around. I think there's a lot to be learned. Like, I feel this need to "earn" love, or help, so if people are generous to me it's hard to just say thank you, and believe it is freely given, without this feeling that now I need to be extra super worthy, and yikes what if I'm not. So it's all coming up and wuzzling around and pushing my buttons and it's great and terrible at the same time. More great than terrible. In my physical life people are reaching out to me too and damn, how come that can feel good and bad at the same time? Mostly good. But some part of me resists. Is it pride or shame or what?

3) The unguarded self. This is something I've been thinking about since the wedding, and it feels connected to the stuff in the paragraph above. It feels even more visceral, and probably less coherent, than what I just wrote, but it's something about identity and projecting and isolation and this person I've become who believes that people love her because she's happy and strong, and so feels trapped sometimes by this role of confident capable funny chick. Mostly it fits but the times it doesn't fit I am ashamed or afraid of, or I don't know how to be seen. I want to write about this more articulately, but I'm rushed right now and I'm not sure even if I had lots of time I would have good words for this concept. But I've been digging into the archives, letters and journals from way back when. And I was writing about this stuff in frigging high school. It's deep-rooted. I want to bust through it, finally.

4) Is that it? I think so. Hard to believe all this mental real estate could be occupied by three paragraphs. Which are probably only one or two paragraphs if I were better at pulling out the thread that connects them. But my brain is on overload.

5) Oh yeah, weddings. I haven't told you yet but I'm a reverend now, and in my capacity as officiant I've been meeting with Neighbor and 517 to talk about their ceremony, and it has been a fascinating conversation. Why do we get married, and why do we want people around to see it, and what's the function of ceremony and making a promise public? (There's probably a separate thread about the whole reverend thing, about which I have some misgivings and thoughts....)

Whew. That was a pretty long post for not being able to actually write. Now I'm dashing....

Stay of Execution

In which Scheherazade postpones the inevitable with tales of law and life....

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