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What's the most improbable, irrational, romantic risk you've taken?
How did it turn out? Do you regret it?
Posted on August 16, 2006 | Permalink
I've done a lot of stupid things in the name of love, despite the advice of all my friends and family who try to talk me out of them.
I don't regret anything, though. It makes you who you are, right? And some lessons need to be learned "hands on".
August 16, 2006 at 09:24 AM
I was very unhappily married, and had a gigantic electric attraction to someone I worked with. I had spent months convincing myself it would be okay to pursue this attraction (my spouse had been unfaithful; and I also convinced myself that the parts of me that went well with this other were not the parts of myself that went with my spouse, therefore, i was not taking anything from my spouse). One evening, i had left work, and started to drive home. I decided that it was Time. I called work on my cell and told this individual that I had to get back into the building, b/c I "left my wallet" behind. He said okay, and let me in. I didn't forget my wallet, and he knew it. I stuttered for about 10 minutes, and then told him how I felt about him. This was only a conversation, but it was the biggest thing I'd ever done in my life. It was a risk, and it was ... Bad.
For several reasons, I do not regret this. The individual refused to participate in a relationship with a married person, which for a little while upset me a great deal. However, in the aftermath, i was able to sort things out about my marriage. We went to marriage counseling for months, and things got only worse (for the underlying reasons). We had a very slow separation process, and eventually divorced.
Nine months after the final separation, I ran into this other individual. We talked for the first time since that night.
We are now happily married for 5 years.
August 16, 2006 at 09:32 AM
My boyfriend of 6 weeks proposed. I said yes. We married 7 months after the day we met.
We celebrate 10 years of marriage this October. The honeymoon period still isn't over, I am happier every day and more in love every day.
Risky? You betcha! Worth it? Certainly!!
August 16, 2006 at 12:27 PM
August 16, 2006 at 12:28 PM
August 16, 2006 at 12:29 PM
Q: What's the most improbable, irrational, romantic risk you've taken?
Crow responds: I left my partner of eight and one-half years for a woman whom I had met only months before with whom I "clicked" instantly. I became homeless (and jobless), my former partner hired an attorney and trash-talked me all over town. I blogged extensively about the whole thing, which was quite cathartic.
Q: How did it turn out? Do you regret it?
Crow responds: It's turned out wonderfully - I asked her a few months ago to become my domestic partner, and she said yes. I don't regret anything at all, and I've never been happier in my life.
If you have a hypothetical improbable, irrational romantic risk, take it. You'll never know what would have happened unless you do, and if you don't, you'll always wonder what could have happened.
August 16, 2006 at 12:58 PM
Crowe is a wise person:
"If you have a hypothetical improbable, irrational romantic risk, take it. You'll never know what would have happened unless you do, and if you don't, you'll always wonder what could have happened."
My improbable, irrational, romantic risk was many moons ago (when I was a freshman in college). I took a risk, to break up with my sweet first-lover, first-serious-boyfriend (A) specifically so that I could date C, the older, sweet, smart, made-my-legs-wobble-and-my-libido-rev-into-overdrive man I'd met. Everyone who saw C & A together as 'friends' before the breakup tried to warn me in general terms, but no one actually said, "Don't do it." Frankly, I wouldn't have listened to anyone -- except my (then) boyfriend A.
When I broached the subject of breaking up with him, I had it in the back of my mind that I wanted him to 'fight for me' and that if he *had* said, "Don't do it", I'd have dropped the idea and told C to go away. As it was, A. was too upset and shellshocked by the whole thing that he didn't say much of anything.
And yes, in the short term, it *was* a mistake. And a wonderful life's adventure. I dated C for a while, had mindblowing sex, broke up with him over unrelated issues, then pined for A. for a while. A & I got entangled in a relationship of sorts (while he was officially dating someone else /eyeroll), and finally it all unravelled again.
In the long term, I don't regret it because it is part of the social history of my circle of friends and personal path which led, eventually, to my befriending, dating and marrying my husband.
If there's anything I *do* regret, it's allowing myself to become attracted to, and opening myself up to, C. in the first place. Once that happened, the rest was inevitable.
Moral of the story -- do it, but with your eyes wide open.
August 16, 2006 at 03:27 PM
Heh. I haven't wanted to disclose this on my (neglected) blog so it's funny I should do so in a comment to Sherry's blog. But her question hits pretty close to home so why not?
I'm in my mid-30s. My girlfriend last year was 21. I took her on a whirlwind ski trip to Colorado several months ago and proposed to her on the ski slopes. (You can read all about it in my blog.) She said yes. Everyone thought I was insane. Flash forward a few months, and we broke up after vainly attempting to live like an engaged couple. There was no way she was ready for a serious relationship. And there was probably no way I was either, much less an engagement to be married.
But do I regret it? Absolutely not. My now ex-girlfriend and her youthful energy breathed life into me at a time when I really needed it. I'm a better person because we met and we remain friends, having accepted the reality like grown adults (at last) that we simply weren't meant to be together.
August 16, 2006 at 04:22 PM
I began dating a guy in my senior year of college, and I knew he was going to enter the Navy for five years to be a submarine officer after his graduation, but I fell in love with him anyway. We dated for a year and a half and then painfully broke up; we still loved each other but had tried the long-distance thing and it didn't work for us. We've each moved on and found new loves. But it really messed me up with grief, for at least a year.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was worth all that pain.
August 16, 2006 at 04:41 PM
One June, I talked my high school buddy (recent graduate of the Air Force Academy) into flying from Pennsylvania to Washington state to visit a girl he "kind of dated" his last couple months at the Academy. The next December I was best man at their wedding. Oh wait -- that's the most romantic thing HE ever did.
August 16, 2006 at 05:06 PM
To answer the last question first, YES.
I think that in retrospect making a choice to date an ex-boyfriend again on the basis of a brief romantic encounter (at a wedding!) was foolish.(We did have family connections which was perhaps what made it seem ok)
He was very keen to get married and proposed the second time we met again...I was cautious and suggested we relax and get to know eachother a bit more. Much of the time thereafter was spent trying to communicate via emails and phone calls while he travelled from one military base to the next. During the end of that period he met someone else, became engaged and was married shortly after.
I don't regret eventually breaking up with him, but I do regret the investment in trying to make it work when we really didn't share enough central goals and values to hold it together.
Now the most romantic thing for me is developing a solid friendship first.
August 16, 2006 at 07:48 PM
Mine would be dating a woman who 1. was in the process of getting a divorce, and 2. had a small (>1 yr old) child. She was in grad school with me in the same program, and we hit it off at the departmental retreat that year. I was about a year removed from being divorced myself, a horribly unhappy, long term relationship that I'd finally ended, so I didn't think it was a big deal that she was divorcing. It went really well for about 3 months, she lived a ways out of town so we'd basically just see each other on Friday nights and Saturdays when she'd come to my place while the dad had the child. However, her dating me made her husband realize that he wanted her back (even though he'd left her partly because he was "experimenting" with being gay). So that was that. Of course after the fact everyone told me it was a mistake, but I don't regret it at all. It was nice while it lasted, but it worked out for the best that it eventually fizzled out. I've heard through the grapevine that she now has 2 additional kids with the same guy, while I consider myself about 2 years away from even thinking about procreating.
August 16, 2006 at 08:35 PM
I moved across the country (San Fran to Boston) after law school for a guy I had dated mainly long distance for a year. We had know each other through mutual friends for years, but really not well, then started dating one summer I spent in Boston mid law school. We talked on the phone 3 or 4 times a day for a year and I opted to leave SF (a city I loved, with friends I adored) to be with him in Boston (a city I knew only a little, with a very few friends at all). It was sot of a disaster - after pretty crummy years we split. I am not sure I want to say that I "regret" it - I felt strongly enough about it at the time that I had to find out if it would work. But if I had to do it over again I wouldn't do it the same way. It was, I think, a bad decision, but I don't think anyone could have talked me out of it.
August 16, 2006 at 08:50 PM
I moved across the country (San Fran to Boston) after law school for a guy I had dated mainly long distance for a year. We had know each other through mutual friends for years, but really not well, then started dating one summer I spent in Boston mid law school. We talked on the phone 3 or 4 times a day for a year and I opted to leave SF (a city I loved, with friends I adored) to be with him in Boston (a city I knew only a little, with a very few friends at all). It was sot of a disaster - after 2 pretty crummy years we split. I am still in Boston, and I still miss SF. I am not sure I want to say that I "regret" it - I felt strongly enough about it at the time that I had to find out if it would work. But if I had to do it over again I wouldn't do it the same way. It was, I think, a bad decision, but I don't think anyone could have talked me out of it.
August 16, 2006 at 08:52 PM
August 16, 2006 at 08:53 PM
Dear "Loves San Fran" - go home already. What's stopping you?
August 16, 2006 at 10:13 PM
I had a guy who I had only met on the internet four days earlier fly across the country to meet me for the weekend. We hit it off pretty well, and he wasn't an ax murderer, but after trying a long-distance relationship for a month or so, I realized I wasn't over my long-term ex-boyfriend. So I broke up with internet boy to see what would materialize with the Ex, who had been begging me to give him another chance. I told the ex I was back in the game, with the understanding we were on the way to working things out for the long-term. Six very painful months later, I'm without either. I just wasn't interested enough in internet boy, and the ex pretty much just wanted an emotional safety net, not a girlfriend. So while I don't regret inviting the internet boy to see me so soon after meeting via the internets, I do regret leaving myself open to the ex for so long, knowing deep in my heart that he wasn't really in love with me. Both relationships were risks, but the long-term risk of loving someone with all my heart turned out to be far more painful. But live and learn, right?
August 16, 2006 at 11:58 PM
What's the most improbable, irrational, romantic risk you've taken?
Got married after only 4 months of dating
How did it turn out?
Divorced after 15 years.
Do you regret it?
Absolutely. I spent most of that time wondering what I was doing wrong. Turns out it wasn't me after all.
August 17, 2006 at 01:00 AM
I was a freshman in college, not as naive as most, because I'd spent a year overseas after high school, but still, really young. I met this guy at the college science-fiction club meeting, and he seemed nice. After the club meeting, we went out to a local Denny's to eat. The waitress was very young and unsure of herself, and she didn't know much English. At the next table, there was an opulently dressed couple with a Dallas accent. The man asked for hot sauce; the waitress didn't understand him. He repeated his request, louder and louder, as if shouting would help her to understand words that clearly weren't in her vocabulary.
My date turned toward the waitress, who was about to burst into tears, and quietly explained to her, in Spanish, "Pardon me, I believe the gentleman" (at this point he made a facial gesture indicating that he didn't believe the person in question to be a gentleman) "is asking for hot sauce."
"Ah, salsa picante!" the waitress exclaimed, and immediately she dashed away and returned with a bottle of hot sauce. The Dallas guy immediately thanked my date for "straightening out that wetback."
After the Dallasites left, the restaurant manager and assistant manager came to our table to thank him for how he had treated the waitress. She was a refugee from the civil war that was at the time going on in Guatemala, and she had only recently arrived in this country. She didn't know much English, but she was learning.
I was still a teenager at that point. Lots of people, including my parents, worried that I was making a rash decision when I decided I wanted to marry Pat. But I'd seen enough of who he was to know that this was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We're now married 22 years and counting.
Carol Anne |
August 17, 2006 at 04:49 AM
What's the most improbable, irrational, romantic risk you've taken? Marriage. We eloped on a beautiful summer day on Cape Cod in 1987. We rented a small plane and flew around, then drove around in our old Jeep with a big bottle of champagne to tell friends and family.
How did it turn out? Do you regret it? Sometimes I don't like my husband, but I always love him. It's a sort of deep, unconscious habit. I most don't regret it because of our kids.
August 17, 2006 at 07:37 AM
I am in the middle of making mine right now. I have an appointment in two hours to pull the trigger on mine.
I met this crazy wonderful smart girl, who I utterly adore. And in two hours I am talking to my boss about moving across the state to be with her.
I am moving to a totally different kind of life, farm vs city. And totally changing so many aspects of my llife its not even funny.
I don't know if its going to work.... all I do know is that this is going to be an adventure, and I will regreat if for the rest of my life if I don't do this.
Sometimes you just have to jump out of the plane.
August 17, 2006 at 07:41 AM
First, I have to echo the sentiments of others. I could tell multiple stories of "improbable, irrational, romantic risks" I've taken over the years. In retrospect, I don't regret any of them -- although I can't deny that some of them brought me heartbreak, depression and even a health scare. My only regrets in the romantic department have really been the result of taking the rational, safe route -- the one that I thought appeared the right choice from the perspective of others but didn't necessarily feel right to me.
I married someone very different than me -- quieter, more easygoing, less career-oriented (my parents and some friends would classify him as a "slacker"). Despite these differences, I have been attracted to this person (my husband) for more than 12 years (we've only been married for 4 years).
All of my friends who get to know him think he is fabulous (as do I, obviously).
How did it turn out? Do you regret it?
No regrets. Probably the best decision I've ever made -- and probably the only big decision where I've allowed my heart to dictate my decision more than my head and/or the opinions of others that I love/respect.
August 17, 2006 at 03:42 PM
A long distance relationship where my girlfriend was working in a war zone... namely Baghdad.
We made it through the year with lots of bumps and bruises. But once she came back home, we only lasted a few months. The separation and significant divergence in life experience was just too much.
I don't regret it. In fact, the pain I went through opened my eyes to many things. Understanding those issues helped me become a much stronger and more confident individual. It is the main reason for my happiness today.
August 17, 2006 at 11:32 PM
For me, it would have to be going on a blind date, when I was told I was going to be meeting the "not-pretty" sister. Generally, prior to this particular experience, I thought that blind dates were a really bad idea. I'm very glad I went anyways... I ended up marrying her. You can read about it here.
August 19, 2006 at 04:24 PM
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