My Love Life Is None Of Your Business: An Internal Debate

How much, if anything, should I write about my relationship with Mr. NBT?

A friend of mine was once telling me about Linda Greenlaw's book, The Hungry Ocean, once, and said the whole book was a plaintive cry for a partner.  I remember hearing that and thinking, wow.  Yikes.  I hope my writing never sounds like that. 

But I sort of wonder if it has, on this blog.  And I wonder if that's all that bad. 

The reasons I don't want to write about my love life:
    1) I don't want to screw anything up.
    2) This weblog is public, and comes up when you Google my name, and who knows who's reading it?  I certainly don't.  I know some people who are reading it: my parents, some of my friends, an ex-boyfriend or two.  Mr. NBT, a couple of his friends.  A whole bunch of strangers.  Who knows who else?  My boss?  My students?  Who can say?  Hi folks.  All of these are different audiences, who would get differing amounts of information if the subject came up over a glass of wine.  I'm trying, when I write here, to write honestly, with a minimum of spin.  This seems a tricky topic for that aspiration. 
    3) Happiness is boring to read about.  Sadness, longing, pain: all of those things take courage to write about.  But contentment, well, where's the bravery there?  Am I artful enough to write about hope and expectation, comfort and trust, without sounding smug?
    4) If I admit I'm happy, or that I'm looking forward to something, and then it falls flat, I can't shake it off easily.  Everyone will know that I didn't get something I wanted.  Safer to play it cool.  Then if I get heartbroken, maybe nobody will know.  No big deal.
    5) I don't want to invite a bunch of strangers to advise, speculate, and comment on my love life.  That feels kind of tender.  I trust the crowd here at Stay of Execution: you're wise and warm and it generally feels like you're rooting for me.  But, yikes.  Sometimes a stray comment here has me doubting myself for days.  Am I a bad person, truly insufferable?  I don't want it to make me doubt someone else, or make him doubt me.

Here's why I'm tempted to write about it:

    a) I'm thinking about it a lot, and I need to write what I'm thinking about, to sort it out and clarify it.  You know how wine people swirl the wine around and sniff it and then describe it, the different notes and aspects and textures and sensations?  And doing all that silly stuff helps them notice and really appreciate the wine? That's kind of how I am with feelings and experiences.  This blog is my wineglass, where I hold things up to the light and swirl them around and try to describe the essence and the nuance, and only then do I really understand what it is I'm describing.
    b) This particular relationship was born here.  He's one of you, a blog reader.  It feels silly to barricade the relationship away from the weblog.  I feel a little bit like I owe the weblog something, back, as a thank-you.  I mean "I owe the weblog something" in two ways.  One is just that this weblog brought Mr. NBT to me, and I'm grateful for that.  But the other is that I think the practice of writing here, taking more emotional risks and practicing publicly admitting things, my longing and my uncertainty, that I don't always show in person, I think that has kind of softened me up and made me better able to be in a relationship. 
    c) Related to that: I think my fear of "screwing this up" or admitting I want something and then facing the prospect of publicly failing is a lame fear.  I mean, I don't want to screw anything up.  But I don't really care about protecting my own dignity, and I think that impulse to play it cool and not let anyone see that I'm excited about the possibility, that's kind of a stupid impulse.  All it does is let me hide behind a mask of strength.  I'm not really as strong as people think I am, or as I pretend to be.  Maybe it's braver just to let people see if I am sad. 
    d) There's inherent drama in a romance.  It's a natural narrative arc.  Blogging is narcissistic and self-indulgent anyway.  But I want to see how this one plays out, and so do friends.  I imagine it holds some narrative interest even for people who don't know us in person.  You strangers, are you rooting for us or against us?  Are we doomed?  It's a long distance affair.  Can we survive the distance?  So many plotlines here, so much suspense. 

Comments

[Weeble]

I, for one, wish you all the best. I've done long distance too many times to admit. Yet even with all those experiences, trying as they have been, I feel it would be silly of me to say anything to dissuade you from your blooming relationship. Every relationship is different. All I would suggest is this. Take it a day at a time and try to be honest with yourself about where things stand. The real challenge in my mind is farther down the road when you decide to really give it a go. To colocate and give things a try. It's a big leap. A courageous step. But one that may just pay off in spades.

[Jill]

Definitely rooting for.

[ogged]

It's fine to write the posts. Just don't post the posts.

[Krista]

Totally rooting for you. I bet most of us are, actually.

[Nicole]

Wishing you all the best.

[dgm]

given that some of his friends read the blog, and others may find it in time, how does he feel about you writing about him? it seems his privacy is at stake as well.

[Al Wheeler]

When I was dating, I kept quiet about relationships, on the grounds that this is why they call it a "private life".
I'd say if you're really interested in making it work, just let us know when you're engaged.

There's an unsettling element of triumphal baying about the whole thing. It's early days yet and many of your readers are clearly rooting for you but your narcissism will make them doubt your judgment. Al's comment above is right on. A young relationship simply cannot withstand all of this public analysis. Do your relationship self-questioning thing in private and if it works in the long term you can tell us gently. If not, you, he and us will still respect you in the morning, but we certainly do not need to read an analysis of cell phone bills and calling patterns. Sorry.

[rcs]

we certainly do not need to read an analysis of cell phone bills and calling patterns.

Speaking for the entire readership, are we? I am enjoying everything Sherry cares to write about pertaining to her blossoming romance. Doubts, fears, everyday simple pleasures, hope... Unlike so much of what I read online these days, something positive is happening here. If you're unsettled by that, well... there's the door.

[Bill]

Sherry,

I'm definitely rooting for you. I think your posts are incredibly interesting and insightful. However, for the sake of yourself, Mr. NBT, and your new relationship, I'd strongly advise you not to blog about any of it. Why can't writing in a private journal can be your "wine glass"?

[B.]

Hmm, I'm of two minds about this. as a faithful (though new-ish) reader, I'm happy to read about what's being blossoming, and had to smile at the texting/photos/cell phones bit. I was in a LDR throughout law school (engaged), and again briefly after we were married, and so I'm not *quite* so cynical about the happily ever after part.
BUT...and this is a big one...you've got a relationship which is just starting and your potential forum for discussing it is regularly accessed by Mr NBT. It must be wierd to hear about your relationship in a public blog...so that's where I start to side with those who suggest keeping it private.

Perhaps a bit of a compromise? Write whatever you want as private entries, and only post what you are 100% sure that you *and* Mr. NBT would be comfortable posted for "all to see". To me, most of what you've written to date would fall into the latter category (I'd exclude the "biggest improbable romantic thing" entry). It may also be more fitting to have a journal which only certain people can access if you're craving analysis and feedback (but don't think it should be completely accessible to anyone with an internet connection and some Google skills.)

Maybe that's clear as mud, but those are my thoughts. I will also take this opportunity to say that I really enjoy reading your blog, and not just because it is a daily affirmation that this is "life after law" ;-) You're a good writer whose work is enjoyable and 'accessible' even to those who only know you through the blog.

Probably many readers would like to read about your relationship - we're happy for you and would delight in the details.

But I would advise you not to blog about it on a public website associated with your real name. Relationships do not blossom in the limelight as any reader of US Weekly can say.

Royal we, rcs.

[Crow]

As a practical answer, with the super-super personal stuff, I write it but don't post it. The writing helps me work through my thoughts and feelings about whatever the touchy subject is without making me feel overly exposed. There's also the option of creating a second, anonymous blog.

I don't know, though. I've been wondering myself about what happens when a blog-reader becomes a blog subject. Is it something where posting with the person's consent makes it all right, and if so, isn't that taking the authorship and ownership away from you? Who knows? I certainly don't - I think only you do.

[Stephanie]

I like reading about your feelings regarding your relationship, because this is stuff that we all have to figure out...and it's hard. I don't know the answer to the question of whether you "should" blog about Mr. NBT or not, but I know your posts make me think and reflect on my own experience, and I appreciate that. I definitely can say, though, that I !really like reading about happy people and sad people. It's nice to know that other people share our pains or insecurities, but it's also gives me hope to hear about happy people and goodness in the world. I'll read your blog regardless; thanks for writing.

[mr. NBT]

There is nothing Scheherazade has blogged about "us" that we haven't already talked about. Not in a "final approval" sense, but just the general themes and impressions. In fact, there are a few things she mentioned wanting to blog about, things of which I felt were ours alone. Those things remain ours and haven't appeared on SofE. Perhaps we will need to set boundaries as to what can be discussed, but I think we both like seeing small parts of this relationship play out on these blog pages. This is where it started after all. Perhaps this to will pass. Ultimately, it might be like many discussions about relationship, gushing and flowery at first, then fading to normal levels once those in the relationship realize the rest of the world doesn't really give a hoot.

Now, I recognize that S. doesn't need me to defend her, but what is bothering me, and making me defensive, are the anonymous negative comments appearing whenever she mentions our relationship. They take a snarky edge I think is seldom found in the comments here. Usually there is just one on each of the posts. While they may be from different people each time, there tone of voice is similar and has the feel of being from the same person; a person who is not exactly happy the relationship exists in the first place. If that is the case, then I would remind the person of their right not to visit SofE in the first place, or as rcs said, point them kindly to the door. At least assert some ownership to your views, show a small portion of the courage S. exhibts on a regular basis, and not comment anonymously.

That being said I will put away my club and go back to my cave...

[Pat]

Hmmm; it's Sherry's and NBT's decision but I do like the idea of Sherry "embargoing" anything that doesn't feel just quite right for a public post so that she and NBT can sleep on it, and also of the private journal. Oh yes, and I admire your courage and hope
(a) that the relationship goes well and blossoms,
(b) whatever path the relationship takes, it becomes / remains / endures as something that gives you joy, growth, wisdom, and cherished memories, and
(c) the people who are a bit rude about not being able to stand too much happiness get more bulk fiber and fresh fruit pectin in their diets.

[Bill]

The response of Mr. NBT to the negative comments, as well as what Sherry originally posted (that she is sometimes doubting herself due to comments on the blog), illustrates to me the inherent difficulty of posting your private thoughts to a public blog. Granted, that commenter was being quite smarmy and negative. But, Sherry and NBT, you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to post these things publicly, that's fine, but you have to expect that you will get negative comments from random people. You can't just "point them to the door".

[Johanna]

I don't think I've ever posted here before, but here goes.

you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to post these things publicly, that's fine, but you have to expect that you will get negative comments from random people. You can't just "point them to the door"

Sure you can. If you don't like the content of an entry, it's pretty easy to click through to the next one or to a different site, isn't it? I don't think it's too much to expect for people to be polite. Sherry, it's your blog, and you have every right to post whatever you damn well please and expect people not to hit where they know it hurts. Of course you do. That being said, you *do* have to expect comments along the lines of some of the ones above if you open it up and *ask* - like this entry seems to - is this too much? what do you think? do you want to know?

Bottom line for me is, this is a personality-driven blog. That is, while it might have been true in the original incarnation of this blog, people no longer come here, to the current entries, expecting insights into lawyering. I know of better sources for home improvement how-to, I can buy a book on sailing that illuminates more than this, I am not the sort who gets any entertainment out of writing exercises, and I know of any number of coffee table books that will show me pretty coastal landscapes. That is not why I read, it's the story of a *person*. This includes the ups and downs and everything in between.

There is no obligation on you, Sherry, the person, to ever share more than you're comfortable with. You share far more than I can fathom putting on the internet already - and that's your choice, and I suspect a key element of why you have such a large and faithful readership. There have been many times where my response to you has not been positive - that is my problem, if indeed it even is a problem. I don't have to leave my feelings about that in your comments (but then, I've never been a member of a cheerleading chorus on anyone's comments either). I have two choices: keep reading, or not. If the blog turns into little more than flowery description of moonlit roads and the ongoing evolution of someone who only recently started working with college students - I imagine my click takes me out of here.

That being said, you have zero obligation to tell the intimate details. Click through any number of non-anonymous blogs - many of them do not mention topics such as love life at all. I think it's a safe assumption that we all have one, in one way or another. The only thing that really, really grates there is if you write entries (and there have been some in the past) on What I'm Not Telling You. If you never mentioned your romantic life at all, I imagine I'd still have read as much as I have, because I'm somewhat fascinated by the justaxposition of the superconfident "I am popular, I am glue" type proclamations with a very different vibe that comes through, for example. But I also know the feeling of wanting to mention someone I'm really really really into all the time. We all do, probably. Nothing wrong with that either.

Blog what you want when you want. Expect people to be decent, but maybe don't ask questions if the answers may be more than you perhaps want to hear. I don't think it's such a dumb idea to turn comments off on selected entries. Furthermore, you might want to investigate blogging software that allows different levels of permissions on various entries, so that you can have friends only / required login entries along with fully public ones if you so choose. Sixapart's (beta) Vox makes this possible, I believe; Livejournal's been doing it forever.

[Synciti]

Mr. NBT asks that I "show some courage" when I make comments (for my 12:11 post) -- I'm not reveling in anonymity - it's just a pain to log in with email every time I feel the urge to respond to something that strikes a chord. S is a friend of a friend - about 4 degrees of separation -- which is how I stumbled upon the blog. SofE is one of the more literate attempts in the blogosphere and we have similar interests in the legal world. S is grappling with a banal variant of Icarus's dilemma - flew very close to the sun (Yale) and is now trying to make sense of the post-Yale landscape in a brave, articulate way and she raises some really intellectually-challenging questions about the nature and ethics of what constitutes private and public behavior. It's why I keep reading the blog even though it is sometimes maddening.
Her readership is particularly interesting too -- smart, engaged people who are fiercely defending of her. But 2 questions/concerns have really troubled me - one was the mast fund appeal and its ultimate resolution. I didn't chime in at all in comments (didn't want to go there) but there was a sense of revulsion I felt about the enterprise which surprised me.
Second - prior to the revelation of the revelation with NBT there were many,many thoughtful posts this summer about the covenant of the blog, about relationships and the meaning of loneliness etc. when it turned out that a relationship (nascent as it may have been)was in progress. Was all of this hand-wringing a public performance then aimed at getting and keeping the attention of one particular man? And if so wasn't it just a slightly disingenuous strategy? It's these contradictions and allusive dissonances which make me think about this blog - not terribly interested in the principals per se, but as a point of departure for discussions about law and life it can't be beat.

[Dawn]

You don't know me and I don't know you yet you bring a smile to my face most days when I'm bored at work and take a break to check in on your life. I only comment when it's positive. After all, I learned the lesson that if you don't have anything nice to say, then keep your mouth shut. Of course, I don't think I would ever have anything bad to say about any of your posts. We are all voyeurs of a sort - those of us who blog and the others who read and comment. Everybody in this world is looking for some sort of confirmation and feedback that our lives are headed where they should be headed and blogging has provided a tremendous avenue for readers and writers alike.

Mr. NBT sounds like a truly fabulous man. I would personally be disappointed to not at least get updates on the status of the relationship. But it is your life and you have been so brave to date to share the things you have and if you choose to modify what you do, I would certainly understand.

You ask 3 questions of me as a stranger: Am I rooting for you? Hell yes. Unless Mr. NBT turns out to be some whacko - then I'm rooting for you to learn the truth NOW! Are you doomed? See previous comment. If you are truly doomed, this blog will not be the reason. Can you survive the distance? I honestly don't know. I've never had a long distance relationship and can't offer any wisdom here.

One more thing - I like to hear about happiness. Granted, I prefer the Little Mermaid with the original ending - tragedy is great in the right context. But when it comes to real life people - I prefer happy endings. Life is an adventure -- thanks for letting me in on yours!

[Dawn]

You don't know me and I don't know you yet you bring a smile to my face most days when I'm bored at work and take a break to check in on your life. I only comment when it's positive. After all, I learned the lesson that if you don't have anything nice to say, then keep your mouth shut. Of course, I don't think I would ever have anything bad to say about any of your posts. We are all voyeurs of a sort - those of us who blog and the others who read and comment. Everybody in this world is looking for some sort of confirmation and feedback that our lives are headed where they should be headed and blogging has provided a tremendous avenue for readers and writers alike.

Mr. NBT sounds like a truly fabulous man. I would personally be disappointed to not at least get updates on the status of the relationship. But it is your life and you have been so brave to date to share the things you have and if you choose to modify what you do, I would certainly understand.

You ask 3 questions of me as a stranger: Am I rooting for you? Hell yes. Unless Mr. NBT turns out to be some whacko - then I'm rooting for you to learn the truth NOW! Are you doomed? See previous comment. If you are truly doomed, this blog will not be the reason. Can you survive the distance? I honestly don't know. I've never had a long distance relationship and can't offer any wisdom here.

One more thing - I like to hear about happiness. Granted, I prefer the Little Mermaid with the original ending - tragedy is great in the right context. But when it comes to real life people - I prefer happy endings. Life is an adventure -- thanks for letting me in on yours!

[Dawn]

Sorry for the double post - I'm still getting used to my Mac!

[Carol Anne]

I second Pat on the bulk fiber and fruit pectin. If you and Mr. NBT are both comfortable with what you put here, nothing else matters.

Its funny. I find myself checking in to see how things are going (in general, not specifically) primarily because I am so excited for such a neat person to have found someone who makes her so happy. Thats what I want to know; if you continue to be happy and if there are major developments. :)