Stay of Execution

The Second Thing I'm Mulling

Metaphor #2 that's been on my mind lately:  Freeze-Frame.

Once upon a time I was talking with a wise woman, and during our conversation I was being fairly hard on myself about the ways my life wasn't going the way I thought it should, didn't make sense, felt off-balance and awkward and confusing.  She said, "stop it."  And then she gave me a metaphor that has proven really useful to me, and that I've been thinking about lately. 

She said, you know, if we had a video camera here in this room, filming us sitting here talking, and then say the doorbell rang, maybe the UPS guy delivering a package downstairs, and I got up to answer the door, and then we looked at the film later, we'd see something.  If we went in slow motion, frame-by-frame, and looked at the images of me when I was getting up out of my seat to go answer the door, it would look so awkward and strange.  We could look at those stills from that video and you'd see my face contorted, and me twisted and off balance as I'm rising up out of my seat, and if you just looked at those stills you'd think, what on earth is she doing?  How can she look like that -- it looks terribly uncomfortable, and I can't understand how she's balanced there, and what a bizarre pose that is, and we could heap all kinds of criticism on the way I look in those still frames, how I am standing wrong and I am about to fall over and I can't possibly stay that way.  But in the moment I just flowed through all those awkward poses and got up to answer the door and got the package and I had to move that way just to do it. 

Don't look at your life in the freeze frame, she urged me.  And if you do, don't get wrapped up in the myriad of inconsistencies and flaws you can find in that picture.  Your life is in motion, and there's a grace to it that you can see only as it moves, not in the isolated moments. 

My Personal Rules About Socks

1) Any striped sock goes with any other striped sock, of the approximate same texture.
2) Any cotton athletic sock goes with any other cotton athletic sock, of the approximate same length.
3) Any technical sock (e.g. smartwool, fleece) goes with any other technical sock.
4) No grey socks with brown shoes.
5) No brown socks with black shoes.
6) Pink socks go with anything, as do soft blue socks with little sheep on them.
7) Choose socks for texture and warmth over anything else. 
8) The most bang for your clothing buck can come from splurging on socks.  You can buy fabulous socks, luxurious and whimsical, at TJ Maxx, for not very much money, and when you pull them on you will feel warm and delighted, and they will make you feel like this every wearing until they have holes in them and you have to throw them out.
9) No socks with holes, no matter how well they have served you in the past.   

My biggest problem with socks is how to store them.  Does anyone have a good storage solution for socks? My best solution was a drawer with compartments, with striped socks in one, athletic socks in another, brown/black socks in one, and technical socks in one.  But the truth is I only had three compartments in the drawer so one category was forever shifting and homeless, and would end up on the top of my bureau.  Now most of my socks have migrated there.  It's no good. 

All Requests: The Well-Dressed Man Part 3

Okay.  We've divided the world into three general categories of men: Category 1 being the well-dressed men with some kind of flair; Category 2 being the men who make few mistakes and are passable in most situations, but have no particular strong aesthetic statement, and Category 3 being the oblivious bad dresser. 

We've outlined some of the major mistakes that the Category 3 people make.  We've talked about the implicit messages, good and bad, that being a sharp dresser, an acceptable but neutral dresser, and a bad dresser send. 

So now I guess it's time to talk about what makes a good dresser.  This is much harder than the others.  And I am not, myself, a good dresser.  I don't have a great eye or the patience or discernment to notice a lot of things.  And I don't have much confidence in my own judgment about what's cool.  Nonetheless, I persevere to fulfill my readers' request. 

First let's distinguish between being a good dresser and having a particular style or taste.  You can be a good dresser and be, say, way too preppy for my tastes, or way too indie, or whatever.  This becomes very murky ground.  Still, I plow forward.

I think the trick for male dressing is mastering texture and layering.  Color's important, too, and drape.  And pattern.  But texture is really what it is all about, I think.  You can't have too much going on, or it's noisy and unpleasant.  But there should be some softness and some sturdyness in what you've got on.  Softness makes me want to reach out and touch.  Sturdyness reminds me that you're a man.  Corduroys are nice.  A little bit of nub in the weave of a shirt is nice.  Or a jacket that's surprisingly soft.  But you don't want too much of that.  I am not sure how to articulate this, but I suggest you start looking at men who are dressed well.  Observe pattern and texture.  You will start to see things that you might not have noticed before.   

My ex-boyfriend, a Category 1 guy for sure, took me out for a birthday dinner tonight.  I interrogated him on the subject.  He maintains that men have a lot of trouble with color, generally.  He's got a great eye for colors that are unusual without being flashy -- a lot of browns, greens, burnt oranges, olives -- warm, relaxed, unique but not overly eye-catching.  He layers well.  He looks comfortable without being fussy; hip without being trendy.  He tells me shoes are a big distinguisher.  Today he was wearing leather half-boots that are interesting, sensible, and stylish.  He tells me you have to be willing to spend money on your clothes (this is a mental barrier for me, too, and keeps me in the women's equivalent of Category 2 or 3 more than I'd like to be).   I asked him where he learned how to dress and he was stumped.  "I always kind of noticed things, and had an opinion about how I wanted to look," he told me.  "But I made some terrible mistakes, too."   There's a picture of him at a pretty young age wearing cowboy boots with shorts.  This is the price you pay for taking risks, I guess.

I have no solutions for men who are looking to be Category 1 dressers except to pay attention to texture and pattern and play around with layers.  And don't settle for the plain old khaki-blue-grey-olive limitations that Banana Republic or J Crew or the Gap is feeding you.  The world is more colorful and interesting than that, and you are more resourceful and independent minded than the people in the merchandising department. 

And don't fuss too much about it.  It's not that important, to anyone.  I've had mad crushes on men in all three categories.  If you're cool, and you're cute, and you're fun, and you're confident in your own skin, I don't really care how you dress. 

Phew.  What a big subject this has turned out to be.  I've ruffled a bunch of feathers, it seems.  All in a day's work. 

All Requests: What Is A Well Dressed Man, Part 2

This is the thing about dressing.  You are not just covering your body.  You are sending messages to the world about who you are -- your social class, your aesthetic preferences, the degree to which you are tuned into other people and the people you feel most comfortable with.  You are sending messages about what you think of yourself and what you value. 

So here are the messages -- good and bad -- that you can send with your clothing choices.  These hidden messages are the reason I don't always find well-dressed men more attractive than poorly dressed men.  Each group has some drawbacks and some endearing traits.  Although I notice the way a man dresses, I don't value it enough to have it be part of my criteria for dating, so I've dated men in all three categories -- although the personality traits I like tend to attract me to Category 1s and Category 3s more than Category 2s. 

1) Category 1 men -- well dressed men: They are aware of what they look like.  They notice details -- drape, texture, color -- and can make choices about which ones and which combinations will fit them and convey a particular mood.  They are tuned into the social world and know how to convey a bit of personality through their clothing -- and this indicates a larger sort of social fluidity -- a man who knows how to dress is probably a man who knows how to act in different social situations, who is sensitive to ways to blend in and ways to stand out.  They have an aesthetic sense and recognize the impression that their appearance makes on people.  They know what looks good on them. 

       They may be vain.  They may be high maintenance.  They may be fussy.  They may be perfectionists.  They may be shallow.  These are the red flags I get from some well-dressed men.  I find vanity and fussyness very unattractive.  So I like some well-dressed men, but am put off by other well-dressed men. 

Category 2 men: Understand the basic rules of dressing, but don't venture beyond Banana Republic or the Gap or some other corporate decision maker to determine taste.  These men are tuned in enough to recognize and avoid the big fashion gaffes that are possible.  Their clothes fit and flatter.  But they are either too disinterested or too cowardly to make any decisions for themselves.  They are conformist.  They will not look clueless, but they don't seem to have a strong aesthetic of their own, and they are afraid to take risks.  These are the blue button down, khaki pants, grey sweater guys.  They look fine, and they get social situations.  They know how to fit in.  They strike me as boring.  But they're often attractive enough, their clothes are flattering, and they've got a social radar.  They're adults, they can navigate the grown up world and do just fine, but they're not leaders, or innovators, or blazing any trails. 

Category 3 men: They're either naiive or arrogant in believing that clothes aren't worth any attention, and that dressing doesn't mean anything in particular.  They either don't have an aesthetic or are lazy.  They don't recognize the social messages they are giving off with the way they put themselves together.  That may indicate that they don't pick up other social signals.  Will they feel awkward at a fancy wedding, or a beach picnic -- someplace out of their usual element?  These men are often sweet.  They are not vain.  They are not fussy.  They are agreeably oblivious.   They cling to things that they like, for sensible or emotional reasons.  "It's really soft."  "I've had it forever."  They're loyal. 

I believe, firmly and deeply, that you cannot and should not try to change somebody else.  So if I date somebody who is a Category 3 kind of guy, I accept that he may always be a poor dresser.  I've dated several of them and except when asked (e.g. "Which tie do you think would look better for this wedding,") I stay out of their clothing choices.  It's not a big deal in the scheme of things.  But a guy who can dress wins points for sure. 

All Request Day: What Is A Well-Dressed Man? Part 1.

An exasperated commenter requests a post:

Just what the hell does it mean when women say that they want a well dressed guy? What does well dressed mean for a guy?

A wonderful question.   In my experience, there are three general categories of men when it comes to dressing.  Category 1: Well dressed men, with a clear sense of style.  Category 2: Men who have learned the basics and are successfully avoiding the fashion "no's".  Category 3: Men who don't have a clue how to dress, and basically wear the kinds of things their mothers used to pick out for them when they were kids, supplemented by gifts and things that seem to fit and feel comfortable.  Category 1 is the rarest; categories 2 and 3 are more common.

Here's a strange fact.  In general, men in Category 1 are most attractive to me, men in Category 3 are second most attractive to me, and men in Category 2 are way in the back of the pack.  In some cases, Category 3 men are the most attractive.  That's counterintuitive, I know.  I'll explain more about this later, but for now, if you are a man who hasn't a clue how to dress himself, you needn't despair.   

Let's start with the basics: the fashion "no's" to which Category 3 men are blind.  Most of these are enduring principles.  A few are about trends, but I think should be heeded until a sharp dressed man or woman you trust, in your geographic area, tells you that the tide has turned.  (e.g., there is talk that pleated pants are coming back.  I am very suspicious of this, and even if it is true, it ain't true in Maine yet.) 

Squashblogging

Because catblogging is so 2004.  And because once Google has deemed you an expert in something you might as well run with it. 

Here's the Hubbard squash puree I made for Thanksgiving. .There are step-by-step pictures of the process of making it in this photo gallery.

First I cut the squash in half, then I scooped out the innards and baked the halves.  The part that I wanted to use as the serving bowl I only baked at 375 for about an hour, which meant it retained some rigidity, and of course meant I could only scoop out a fraction of the pulp that was inside it.  The other pieces I baked a lot longer, although I didn't keep track of how long.  Until they were saggy and soft.  I then sauteed onions and garlic in butter, and added the squash pulp. 

I realized I needed more squash pulp so I baked a second, smaller Hubbard.  I added lots of cream, some more butter, some chopped parsley, and salt and pepper to the puree and heated it all up in a big saucepan.  When it was ready to serve I scooped it into the squash rind and put it in the oven to stay warm.  I meant to top it with goat cheese crumbles, but I forgot those and left them in the refrigerator.  Yum.  It was good anyway.  Even my teenage cousins ate it with gusto. 

I'm particularly proud of using the squash itself as the serving platter.  It felt like a very Martha Stewartish touch.  I'm sure it's not original, but I'd never done it before and didn't have any instructions on how to do it, so it felt like I was making up the idea and guessing about how to go about it. 

How To Be More Confident

When I was in college, sailing seriously, I used to keep a sailing journal.  I put in training goals and wrote about the days' practices -- what I'd learned, what I was stuck on, what my weaknesses were.  I read a sports psychology book and identified self-confidence as an area of weakness.  I was reviewing that sailing journal the other day and turned a page to find a list, headed: How To Increase Self Confidence.  My reaction as a reader was to roll my eyes, and think, "how quaint I was, back then.  How young.  How brave and naiive, to think I could reduce self-confidence to a set of bullet points."  But then I read the list:

1) Increase physical strength and endurance
2) Improve other mental skill deficiencies (calm, relaxed)
3) Set realistic self goals: control.   (Diet, sleep, homework.)
4) Think positively, create enthusiasm
5) Repeat positive affirmations -- "I'm getting tougher," "I'm getting more confident." 
6) Increase self-discipline.  I am in control.
7) Use visualization 2x/day.
8) Act "as if"
9) PRACTICE.

I actually think that's a pretty good list.  I actually think my younger self was right.  You can increase self-confidence by getting stronger, imposing discipline, setting realistic goals.  You can learn to make yourself calmer and more relaxed.  You can act as if you're confident already.  And of course practicing a ton helps. 

I've gotten away from that kind of self-improvement: assessing my weak points and constructing a plan to address them.  I think I'd like to get back toward it. 

How To Throw A Good Party, Part 4

We're having a party tomorrow night.  (If you've ever been to my house before, you're invited.   I must have muffed some of the email invites, because some people didn't get them.  Just come on over.) 

We sent the invite out electronically 15 days ago, and followed it up with re-sends to the people whose email addresses bounced or who I realized I omitted from the list.  We printed some up and handed them out to people who we don't have email addresses for.  No postal mail for us.  I have received 61 "yes" RSVPs so far, but there are some uncounted numbers -- people who haven't answered yet, people who will bring friends, people who are cagey about committing but will probably show up.  Probably about 15 percent of those who RSVP won't actually come.  60 seems like a reasonable number to plan for.

The mix of people as it's shaping up so far is good.  I have last year's party debrief, which is a helpful resource for figuring out quantities of booze and food.  The object this year will be to have fewer leftovers.  I'll go shopping this evening or tomorrow morning for food and drink.  What people will bring for food is a wild card, although what they'll bring for drink is fairly predictable. 

Music will be thorny because my digital music player is on the fritz, but I'm picking up my new iPod later today and hopefully will have figured out how to get it to play on my stereo by tomorrow night.  It is rumored this year that we'll have a group of people who will bring music and will want to tango, so we'll have to figure out where to make a dance floor.  Our house is way, way too small for 60 people.  They won't all be here at the same time.  And it will feel full and cozy.   

At this point in the planning I know it won't be a bust of a party.  The people who are coming will make it a success.  It's all logistics now: get the house ready, figure out a place where coats can go (60 coats! Where?), fret about whether there will be enough food and drink, move the breakables, make a music playlist, get out the serving trays and the paper napkins. 

Request Day: Should I Stay At My Low-Tier Law School?

A 1L at a low-ranked law school wrote me wondering whether he should continue or drop out.  An excerpt:

I've been listening to other students, who are having second doubts and [saying] that we shouldn't lie to ourselves.  We're at a bottom-ranked school and have little hope of passing the bar or getting employment after we graduate. If we truly were better, we would have gone to a better school. No one is here out of choice. I would normally attribute this pessimism to finals. I am also a bit peeved that they would sell themselves so short, and by extension, every individual student and professor at the school, but I do fear their assessments to be true. In short, I'm starting to think that my law school ranking t is already an evaluation of my legal career.

Hoo boy.  I'd like to dodge this one.  I can't answer this question for you.  I'm not a lawyer any more, and don't expect to be again.  I think there's a lot of snobbery in the profession that is ugly and silly but is undeniably influential.  I will point you to what I've already written about dropping out of law school, back when I was a lawyer.

Don't Go To Law School
Why Should I Stay In Law School?
Quit Law School Regret

Here's my advice.  Stick in there for the rest of the semester, take your exams, and then make a decision.  Taking a semester off might not be a terrible idea, if your doubts and your debts are big.  Spending that semester working for/with people who graduated from your law school and like what they do would be worthwhile, even if it's just one day a week.  Your career services office might help you with this, but I think it's never a bad idea to assume the people running career services offices are totally incompetent.  Instead I'd talk to the alumni relations people and see if you can get a list of folks who graduated from your law school 10 years ago and are still in the area.  Get a phone book and call some of these folks, and see if they'll talk to you about their career trajectories, their satisfaction and their regrets.   You might also talk to some folks who graduated 5 years ago, and see how the stories compare.   I'm not sure any of that will be relevant to your individual circumstances, but it will give you some information that will help your instincts, I think.  Better than an unknown chick on the Internet can.   

Good luck. 

Why You Should Go To Your College Reunion

1) You forge new relationships with people from your school.   You will discover that the range and kinds of relationships you can have in your life are broader now than they were when you were in college.  You will meet people you never knew then, you will be able to talk to people who intimidated you then, you will remember people you liked but lost touch with.  You will see the manifestations of so many different kinds of talent and potential, applied in all different directions.  You and your classmates are connected, even if you never met while you were in school, and there is a kind of access and discourse and even trust possible with these people that isn't quite like what you have with anyone else in your life.  These people, and the relationship you have with them, is what I was thinking about when I wrote Why Go To An Ivy League School.

2) You will forge a new relationship with yourself.  You will experience sudden memories, evoked by people and places and smells, or just the shadow of an oak on a slate walkway in a particular low slanting light, and these felt memories will be a mirror on your own past.  You will understand who you were then, and who you are now, in a fundamentally different way.  You are the same person who was here so long ago, and yet you have changed and grown and can hardly believe you were ever so young.  You will discover that you were in the Sistine Chapel and you didn't know enough to look up.  You will discover that the myth you've been telling yourself about your college experience is not nuanced or accurate, or very useful.  You will realize how much you absorbed and learned while you were here, and how much you weren't able to see and comprehend, and you will realize how different your filters have become in the intervening years.  I think you will feel relief, and gratitude, for how far you have come.

3) You will forge a new relationship with your school.  You will realize that things you blamed on it were not its fault, were not inevitable, were accidents of the filter you carried and the individual path you stumbled onto when you were too young to know better.  You will realize that things you have blamed on yourself were not your own fault, but were failures of the school or the department, oversights of preoccupied scholars who did not see you falling through the cracks.  You will realize that your school is always your school, that you have not wasted your chance to know it.  You will realize that in some way you are always welcome there, if you choose to go back.