A week ago, instead of doing yoga together, Neighbor came over and the two of us did big paper. The topic was how I'm feeling -- this unfamiliar combination of overwhelm, tenderness, longing, and vulnerability that I've been playing defense against, or submitting to, or swimming in these past few weeks.
What emerged on the big paper was three main topics. One is writing -- I'm feeling stuck, like I'm not making progress, and ashamed and mad at myself about that. I need structure and feedback. I need a coach or an editor, deadlines and assignments. I need milestones, and I need to get myself more confident about the business part of writing. I think I know a fair amount about the craft of writing, and I have a sense of how to do various kinds of projects, and how to learn and get better. But the business end, the querying and the pitching, I shrink away from. And without it I have nobody else who cares what I've written or when, and without a sense that what I am doing matters to anyone, or to the world, I feel pretty drifty and aimless and depressed and unproductive. It's a lousy feeling. But there are some pretty clear avenues to explore to shake it up and transform it. It doesn't feel hopeless. Just hard.