I was heading home from a meeting last night that took longer than I expected it to (they always do). I was feeling guilty that I don't do more for that group, because it needs more help -- there are obvious areas for improvement, and whenever that's true I feel guilty for not stepping forward and pushing that improvement through.
And somehow I thought of an email message I'd gotten earlier in the day from a friend saying, "I can't believe how much time you devote to Pop!Tech, but I guess it's a pretty cool event." I feel guilty I don't do more for Pop!Tech, too.
I feel guilty that I'm not our law school class rep. I feel guilty that I don't coach sailing for the Special Olympics on Monday nights. I feel guilty that I'm not involved with the Yale Club of Western Maine, which limps along under the devoted leadership of some local octogenarian. I feel guilty that I don't go to city council meetings. I feel guilty that I turn down dinners and cocktail parties for groups I am connected to. I'm not involved with the bar association at all, and would like to be. There's an organization I was involved with in college that I've been only sporadic in supporting. Besides Pop!Tech, I'm not on the board of any nonprofits, and there are some really good ones around town that deserve my support. Literacy Volunteers or the refugee organizations in town or Portland Trails. The Center for Cultural Exchange does some neat stuff. I have this chronic sense that I could be doing a lot more.
So last night in my car I started calculating the hours I devoted to various organizations this year. Pop!Tech -- about 136, not including time actually at the conference. Portland Yacht Club Race Committee -- 37 hours, not including time spent racing or working on the Hooked on Tonics. And more hours to come -- another meeting next week, and some work beyond that. Casco Bay Etchells Fleet -- about 15 hours, not including time spent racing. Portland Yacht Club itself -- 6 hours. University of Maine School of Law -- 5 hours (judging 1L oral arguments). 199 hours. I was conservative; I only counted time that I know I spent. There are events and things that I probably forgot. That's a nontrivial amount of time. No wonder I feel kind of overwhelmed and out of breath.
Somehow thinking about that number got me kind of unstuck. Is this the amount of my time I WANT to spend working for community organizations? And are these the community organizations I want to give my time to? I have never thought about budgeting my community involvement, but why on earth not? Am I investing my time in places that I really want to?
Obviously I'm no Mother Theresa here. Although Pop!Tech is nonprofit and I'm involved with bringing high school students and teachers to the conference each year on scholarship, that doesn't change the fact that it is an intellectual idea-fest for bright and affluent folks (ticket price = $1995). I believe that innovation and exchange are social goods but I'm not involved with Pop!Tech for any highfalutin' reasons. I'm involved because I love the conference. It had a major influence on me when I was 24, I care about it continuing and improving and touching other people, and I can clearly see that I can help it do so. I like being part of the group that shapes it (or I like the idea of being part of that group -- sometimes the reality is exasperating). And the various sailing organizations, well, same thing. Embarrassing to admit it (I can see your eyes rolling now), but the Yacht Club has been a big part of my life. I joined this year even though it there's no rational reason for it -- I'm now paying for the facilities I've been enjoying for free for years. I just didn't want to freeload anymore, and although it's a significant financial hit, I can afford it. And now that I'm a member I see folks I've known for years running the place and I feel like it's my turn to step up and help too. I guess I realize as I write this that I have a strong institutional loyalty -- things that had an influence on me I feel an obligation to help if I can. I organized my high school reunion in 2001, with a former cheerleader I hardly knew, just because it seemed important to make it happen. To acknowledge my past. I guess that's the strong motivator in all these things I'm giving time to. And I'm not sure if it's a sensible one.
I mean, what if I just bought a ticket to Pop!Tech next year instead of working on it all year long? What if I just gave my name to the Race Committee and said, "Call me if you need a hand running a race this summer" and didn't fuss about who would organize the race or sponsor it or drive the mark boats? People who do that aren't bad people. And there's no danger of any of these organizations folding or disappearing without me. And the strong relationships I have with the organizations and the people -- five years, seven years, twenty years in duration -- aren't likely to dissolve if I back off.
What if instead I took some of that time back? And kept it. Too luxurious to imagine. And considered giving some (not all) of the recovered time to organizations that 1) stretch me instead of simply confirming my identity; and 2) have a stronger social impact and 3) expand or refine my social beliefs? Shocker. That's a part of my guilt -- although I'm running around a lot, I feel guilty that I'm not doing more for the WORLD, not challenging my own worldview much.
Big thoughts. What if I just started from scratch, allocating community service time afresh? I could do that. And my life could be different, and maybe richer, if I did so. Interesting.
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Posted by: cofRogEmoff | December 27, 2011 at 04:13 AM