Independent Woman

So I've been thinking about partnership a little bit here.  (As in life partner, not as in the Uniform Partnership Act.)  It's sort of appealing right now.  I know what it feels like to feel lonely.  That felt like I had a baby bird inside me crying out because it needed to be fed.  Ugh, and as mama bird it felt like I was fluttering around powerlessly in the face of this desperate plaintive cheeping, unable to find a worm or provide for the part of me that was just crying out for something I didn't have.  Anyway, that's not what I feel like right now.  When I do a head count of my nest full of inner birds, they seem to be pretty well fed these days, and they're scuffling around the nest, trying out their wings, or else napping contentedly.  So it's not really that I have the kind of helpless longing for a partner I've felt in times past. 

I'm just getting a little bit TIRED here with the administrivia of my life.      

I spent a long time at the DMV today struggling with the process of registering my new car and getting plates etc so I can transport it home tomorrow.  Also the city excise tax people.  Also the insurance claims paperwork that needs to be returned so I can get my check.  In addition, this morning I was on the phone with the plumber (I probably didn't mention the mysterious and fascinating plumbing leak that arose in the middle of the car crash/water heater/dog injury excitement.  It seemed too small to mention by comparison with my other hassles.  Anyway, that's fixed now.) and we were talking about insulating my steam pipes and my hot water pipes and had a difference of opinion about my boiler and how it does and doesn't work (he was telling me things vastly different than what Heating Systems Awareness Buddy was telling me).  I don't know whether plumber or HSAB is right and wish I had someone to bounce this stuff off of.  I wish someone else cared about my house and what's best for it besides me. 

Anyway I finally learned what I wanted to know and then had to call the plumbing supply distributor and arrange to buy the insulating materials I need.  They're not open tomorrow so I arranged to pay by phone and wheedled Housemate into picking them up for me this afternoon so I can do the installation tomorrow afternoon.  Then I called my buddy at the car rental place and inquired about dropping off my rental in MA near the car dealership, which turns out to be an expensive hassle.  I tried my best to charm the car rental guy into waiving the fee but I don't think that's going to be effective.  Again, I could probably cajole some friend or other into ferrying me down there, but it's a lot to ask someone to do, and it would be cool if I didn't have to, and I'll probably just pay the drop-off fee.  Meanwhile I've got to figure out my financial picture for this car -- moving money around, making some choices about how far to draw down my savings, how long to tie up certain funds, etc., whether to pay off the bank loan right away with a loan from a different source.  Again, all this kind of thinking reminds me that I'm the only one who really cares about where I'll be and what my finances will look like for the next three to five years.  I sort of wish I had someone to do this with.  And next week I have to leave work for a vet appointment, and also have to go back to the DMV and pay use tax and apply for a title and get official plates for the car.  And I still need to insulate my pipes (HSAB is going to help with that) and make a decision about how to deal with my hot water heater problem.  Plus there are groceries and birthday presents and wedding shower presents and laundry and the usual parade of life's logistics to deal with, and I'm just feeling like I could use a break from attending to them all by myself. 

Wow, this is a litany of complaints about administrivia.  Not the kind of blog entry that I enjoy reading.  I apologize.  It's not that any of this is particularly hard -- in fact, my hot water heater guy and the car dealership people and the car rental guys, the vet and the plumber and my insurance agent and my loan people, my buddy Anthony who drove with me to look at the car and my Heating Systems friend, everyone but the malevolent slowpokes at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles, has been very helpful.  I've learned a lot.  I've enjoyed interacting with people, mostly.  It's just, you know, it's tiring to be all the time tending to this stuff.  I haven't been able to focus on work without distraction in weeks.  Friends who are trying to schedule time with me feel like burdens; I don't have the surplus energy to manage my own social calendar, let alone organize group things, which a lot of my friends kind of expect me to do.  And to be reminded by these endless little projects that I'm building my life alone, just for me and without anyone who has a stake in it with me -- no shared objectives, shared social connections, shared possessions -- well, it's kind of too bad.  It makes me a little sad, not in the baby bird crying for attention kind of way but just because it would be funner, and it would feel lighter, to have someone doing this alongside me.   

Comments

[Richard Ames]

"... it would be funner, and it would feel lighter, to have someone doing this alongside me ..." This sounds a lot like nostalgia or something to me. The reality never really squares with the image. One has to compromise downward on all sorts of otherwise good things to be “alongside” someone else, and the whole togetherness thing can too be quite demoralizing at times. Whatever we have, we seem to want something else, at least some of the time.

[WAB]

That togetherness requires compromise does not change the rewards of doing small things even routine together. More fun, less burdensome has certainly been my experience over many years.

[Rene]

Thanks for sharing. Though I enjoy my own company, music CDs and good books. There are some times when it sure would be nice to do some of the mundane stuff of life with someone else to talk to and listen to.

[Womanofthelaw]

Preach it, sistahfriend. I couldn't have said it better.

[Buddy Bee Anthony]

I am a singer and a songwriter,can be found on above URL. I am not a computer expert,but perhaps I could write a song about you,and paint your pain with my musical paint brush. Hit Man, Buddy Bee Anthony
The greatest Living Musical legend
Partner In Crime. Sick with talent.
One Half of The Mega Group Brain Death.

[Buddy Bee Anthony]

I make music and love. Both of which will astound,amaze,make your eyes cross,your toes curl,go oh my god,and possibly make you wet yourself. It will certainly bring you peace,without honor,at the very least. Music Legend Hit Man, Buddy Bee Anthony.(Bercu)