I Love You, But I'm Not IN Love With You

Autumn has nailed the distinction, I think.  I'll be mulling this over for a while. 

Comments

[sean warren]

I've been married for 25 years. My wife has told me and expressed her love over an over. She's written poetry to me, always placed me first and ahead of everything else. In the last year she secretly expressed her love for another man. She didn't sleep with him but this hurt me more than anything in my entire life. The other side of the coin now was that I never showed my emotions in a similar way. I would blame her for things that went wrong and had an affair about half way through our marriage. I've always looked at other women. The truth is that I've always loved my wife as much as she's loved me but was careless and neglectful. This whole thing came to a head. She said that nothing happened with the other man and that it was a mistake. She stopped having sex with me for the most part and said that the reason is that she is traumatized. I have since poured my heart out to her and she thinks that I am trying to change the facts. But the fact is that I feel intense love for her. We actually made love this morning, one of the few times but she wasn't with me mentally. She's distant and not keeps mostly to herself. She goes out during the day and stays away. I know she's not seeing anyone. This isn't a fear of mine. I confronted her and she said that my behaviour over the years has caused her to be dead inside. This is a woman with the best values and with the greatest capacity for love. She said she loves me but she's not in love with me. I never thought I would hear something like this from her. She said that many married couples have the same kind of life and that we should be thankful for not hating each other. I'm an idealist and I regard her despite my admissions with the highest level of love and admiration. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she said she doesn't know. I told her that I can't live with uncertainty and again told her that despite everything, my heart is with her that I have nothing but love for her and that I would hope that she can forgive me and come back to me completely. I'm looking for advice as I feel quite naive about this. Try to imagine living with the most loving person and at the same time being an idiot like I was, then realizing all of this when perhaps its too late. If anyone out there can give me genuine advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Sean

[sean warren]

I've been married for 25 years. My wife has told me and expressed her love over an over. She's written poetry to me, always placed me first and ahead of everything else. In the last year she secretly expressed her love for another man. She didn't sleep with him but this hurt me more than anything in my entire life. The other side of the coin now was that I never showed my emotions in a similar way. I would blame her for things that went wrong and had an affair about half way through our marriage. I've always looked at other women. The truth is that I've always loved my wife as much as she's loved me but was careless and neglectful. This whole thing came to a head. She said that nothing happened with the other man and that it was a mistake. She stopped having sex with me for the most part and said that the reason is that she is traumatized. I have since poured my heart out to her and she thinks that I am trying to change the facts. But the fact is that I feel intense love for her. We actually made love this morning, one of the few times but she wasn't with me mentally. She's distant and keeps mostly to herself. She goes out during the day and stays away. I know she's not seeing anyone. This isn't a fear of mine. I confronted her and she said that my behaviour over the years has caused her to be dead inside. This is a woman with the best values and with the greatest capacity for love. She said she loves me but she's not in love with me. I never thought I would hear something like this from her. She said that many married couples have the same kind of life and that we should be thankful for not hating each other. I'm an idealist and I regard her despite my admissions with the highest level of love and admiration. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she said she doesn't know. I told her that I can't live with uncertainty and again told her that despite everything, my heart is with her that I have nothing but love for her and that I would hope that she can forgive me and come back to me completely. I'm looking for advice as I feel quite naive about this. Try to imagine living with the most loving person and at the same time being an idiot like I was, then realizing all of this when perhaps its too late. If anyone out there can give me genuine advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Sean

Unfortunetly, if she says she loves you, but is not "in love" with you; it is already a bit too late.

[momo]

I see you posted this some time ago, but if there is anyone else in this situation I hope this may help them. I was that woman, the one who gave my life to my family and husband. My husband was loving, but I was never a prioity in his life. That is how I felt. Anomosity grew and like your wife I met another man, he made me feel beautiful and appreciated, I felt alive again. I love (cared for my husband)and didn't want to hurt him. The man I had met was very controlling and demanding and before I could know what I was feeling I was asking my husband for a divorce. He was shocked as was everyone who knew me, nobody could imagine I would do that. We ended up divorced but I have always wished that my husband would have tried hard, demanded and pushed his way back into my heart. I miss him and the love we shared. My advice is to not give up hope, give your wife some space, she is probably feeling resentful and she needs time to remember what she loves about your relationship, let her be alone, give her time to miss you. Don't give up hope.

[paul]

I am going through a similar experience at the moment. Do not feel because she has said that she loves you bit is not in love with you that she cannot fall in love with you again. I am 24 years of age and have been with my girlfriend for six years. I love her more than anything or anyone but we have recently been through a very tough time and she told me that she loves me but is not in love. This broke my heart and i now feel very anxious, worried and concerned that i will lose her. But what i do know is that she needs space, time and for me to be patient. Hard though this is, i need to try and give her lots of her own time. My girlfriend and i are very different in some ways and it is hard for me to accept that her physical affection towards me is completely connected to her emotional state of mind and that she is not attracted to me at the moment because of all that has happened. But what we both are focusing on is the love of spending time together, having fun and generally doing what we did at the start of our relationship. I hope one day that she will fall in love with me again as i have her in the past three months. There is always hope and if you love someone to the point where your life would forever be incomplete without them, try your very hardest to be patient and undertstanding. Explain how much you care and why you have done wrong in the past. Talk to each other but do not expect to know everything that is going on inside her head. People are allowed to have thoughts that they may not want to express for fear of hurting their partner but by dragging it out of them it may bring on feelings of guilt, which in itself can be a reason for people becoming further apart instead of becoming closer. Only you know how much time, space, patience and talking you can cope with. But please tread carefully and if there are issues in the past that have been the result of your actions, realise that you may need to change to keep your relationship together. At the same time as saying this, please do not take anyones advice too seriously, especially not negative comments like that of sean warren above. Sean, if you have even been a relationship as deep as the one described above you should know that life is not so black and white and to offer advice like that to someone so miserable is simply horrible. Everyone is different and for that reason there is always hope. Good luck with everything.

[carmella]

i was one of the women who told their partners that i still loved them, but am not inlove with them anymore. I was faced with great self denial and sadness when my relationship of four years no longer seemed to have a future. I had come to feel this way because my boyfriend was very possesive dependant and controlling over me and insecure about our relationship. to him there would always be a problem,something that i was or wasnt doing that was making him doubt our relationship.he often placed material things above me, when i was working at a dead end job to pay debts and bill. This eventually emotianally drained me and i felt i had no longer had anything to convince myself that everything was going to be alright in order to convince him. my partner was shocked but eventually admitted to the wrongs he had done to me, he was constantly calling me when i needed space which caused me to become increasingly hostile and irritated toward him. guys if your girl wants space give it to her. we know you just want to show your sorry and that you care buy calling and buying gifts but your not respecting our decision buy diong so. we separted for three months, in those three months i first felt elated and free that i had kno-one to answer to and worry about. but most of the time i missed him like crazy and wanted to call him all the time.and i often wondered if i had made a mistake. i had tried to date other people but had no sexual contact. i realised what i could have with anyone else couldnt ever compare to what i had in my whole four year relationship. we are back together and have a very happy and healthy relationship. listen to your heart it whispers so listen closely.

[John]

My wife also said that she loved me but was not "in love" with me.

I found out shortly afterwards that she was having a month-long affair with someone she met while going out.

After a while I began to realize that divorce was in order and she agreed.
We made it about halfway through the divorce process before it was put on hold (mostly because of financial reasons).

After reading the (June 17th) post on this page, I decided to fight to win my wife's love back. First, I started by doing the little things that she felt were too overwhelming, then I gave her some space to take in the "unselfish" man I have become.

...Please note that we never separated throughout this unbearable time.
That (I believe) is extremely important!

I continued to work on the little things that I felt I could have done better and rarely asked her to do anything... Slowly but surely our love started to come back. She began to see to notice a positive change in me.

Some experts say that it can take up to six months to get the "in love" feeling back (after an affair), but thankfully it only took us only one month.

I thank whomever wrote that (June 17th) post because I fought for my wife's love and listened to "her heart" even though she said that she wanted to date other people and did NOT love me anymore.

Once I changed myself and did more to relieve her day-to-day stresses, our love fell back into place. Now we can't stop hugging and kissing each other.

I hope this will helps someone. Also try marriagebuilders.com

[Rick]

My wife told me today that she loved me but was not in love with me. What I told her was I felt the same way. I didn't know what else to say besides break down and cry. I actually love her every bit as much as the day we snorkeled in Key West on our honeymoon. She says that she just cant hurt me by staying if she isn't in love with me. I need her so damn bad and I can't imagine a life without her and my boy everyday. I think my life changed when I had my boy. I started working more and even went to school online to get my degree which I just got. I know I sacrificed a lot with my family during this time but in my mind it was all for them. I just logged on and dropped out of school in a last ditch effort to win her back. I need to put her first. It's awesome to hear so many people find the love that was lost. I pray that my wife Tamara digs deep into her heart and lets me back in.

[Kate]

I've been married for 22 years. 5 years ago my husband started having headaches. He had all the classic symptoms of depression. I noticed his growing resentment towards me and our teenage son, and chalked it up to his lack of sleep.

I gave it a good try for almost 3 years. When I confronted him and said, Tell me what's wrong", he replied he 'thought he would be better off alone'. This shocked me for my husband is never 'alone'. We tried for 6 months to improve the situation.

I realized at that point I was the one suffering. I was turning myself into a human doormat for him and told him to leave. We talked about an apartment and how to cover the finances. The deal was for 6 months.

It's been almost 2 years. I've been avoided, rejected. His visits to help work on the house are rushed. Every excuse was he needed to get back to his classwork.

I invited him over on Thanksgiving, for my 18 yr, old wanted him. He came, and that next weekend showed up. I got the 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you.' I also got a lot of 'gee, I can hug you now and not be lying...I'll help you get through school...I'll never let you go under...'

At first I was relieved--he admitted there was a 'friend' and it had gone to sex. I really needed to hear him say it, to admit it has been all him--which he still agrees. He offered to help, to be friends.

Now I realize that it is more manipulation. He wants a Mommy, a dog, a house, for me to pay the bills, etc. He is afraid to give up that comfort zone, and to admit he has ruined our lives. The word Divorce has not been said, but I can't deal with being a 'friend' after being rejected and lied to.

He has said he couldn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. Another big lie he is soothing his guilt with.

What these people are saying is they have feelings for you--you've been a huge part of their lives. What they can't say is 'If I tell you outright, I'll hurt you, but I really want to get away from you.'

It may sound jaded, but live with betrayal and rejection for a few years and just see it for what it is. He hit midlife and his unrealistic views of success, or marriage, or his own self image drove him to think it was all right to lie and cheat on me while I waited, willing to go to get help with our marriage.

The amazing thing is that if someone had foretold this, no one would have believed them. We were as happy as we could be.

You have to tell yourself you deserve --better-- than this situation. Being apart doesn't solve it. The silence will grow deafening, and life is passing you by. Don't set yourself up for more heartache. Move on. Go through the grieving and the anger and find the real you. If that person comes back, it will be because they have rediscovered a love.

I wish you joy. Now go find it!

[Lisa]

I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" just yesterday. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground and then stomped on!!!!! It hurts so much!!!! My husband and I have been married 7 years(been together for 10 total). We have a six year old daughter. I don't know how she is going to take this. He says that he doesn't know who he is anymore. I asked about thearpy. He dosn't know. I asked if we were going to try to work through this. He doesn't know. I don't understand what I have done to push him so far away that he doesn't want to atleast try. I NEVER saw this coming. I thought we were doing well. I feel like a 36 year old blind idiot!!! Any words of encouragement?

[Kate]

I wish you the best, Lisa.

For your own sake--it isn't you. Keep telling yourself that. There is nothing you can do to fix it. And he will not. Don't feel bad--I'm 52. We were best friends, and he isn't even leaving me one small square to stand on. He's just done. He's already found a 'friend'.

I think a large part of it is that men hit the 'me' stage of their lives, thinking they don't want the responsibilities. I never thought my husband was so --shallow-- as he has just proven. he can't believe it either, but he is still gone.

Everything I've worked for is all in his name, tied up in his bills. I put off my life for him and now he's going to give it to someone else.

Start taking care of you and your daughter, making arrangements for where you will go, what job you will have. There are going to be a lot of tears, and screaming, and so much pain it burns through you and you think it will scorch the earth you stand on. It's all part of the process.

Yeah--a broken heart sucks. But it still beats. Grow strong and shake him off like the dog sh*t he is.

I also got "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you" right before christmas and 3 weeks after our 15th anniverssary(he wrote in the card, how much he loves me and how he can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together; later he told me it was very hard for him to write what he wrote, b/c it was all a big lie). I never saw it comming, he totally blind sided me. We've known each other since we were 19. We are who we are today becasue of each other. He promised before we had our son, that he would never ever ever leave us. I was so afraid to have a kid b/c I didn't want to raise a child from a broken home, as I was. He knew this, he promised. I begged him to stay. I did the un-thinkable, I begged and begged. I held on to him as he peeled me off of him and threw me on the bed. I'm still hoping and praying. He said he would have no regrets if he left today. He asked me not to make things harder than what it is. He said he hasn't been happy for years and he has tried to stay for our son. I never knew he was unhappy. I thought we were very happy. I'm not sure how we are going to tell our son, who is 10 years old. I'm not sure how I'm getting through the days. I've been told that I'm in a denial, maybe I am. Right now, that is the only way I know to function in my world.
Lisa, you've got to know and believe that this isn't your fault. We all have been robbed emotionally by our husbands, who we love dearly.

[Jose]

Okay, i got the whole i love u but im not in love with you deal. she broke up with me because our relationship was not so well like in the begining, also i was screaming at her and being very jelous for no aparent reason, she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me, and to lets take a break and take it slow and see where it goes. i dont know what to do because she seem to do this as i was falling more in love for her then ever before. also she said she needs space and she needs time to think and for both of us to make sure that later on in life wanted to be with each other for real... what do i do, do i stop calling her and just talk to her when she calls me or call her like if is not affecting me, or just let it be and take it as it comes. what do i do.

[Guy in Missouri]

I haven't recieved this phrase yet however I anticipate it. My wife and I have been together for almost 4 years. We started out like most, so much in love, I always did little things for her. Over the years I took it for granted that she would always be there. She has recently done something in her life that she hasn't done since high school, it made her feel great, adored and beautiful. Something that I haven't done in a while. I understand what I need to do, however she has told me that she needs a little time. All I really want to do is bury myself in a bottle, however the repricussions of that wouldn't be the greatest either. I told her today that I would leave our home for a while so that she can have the time that she needs to think us over. I hope and pray that this is not the end for us, but I think that I have put forth too little too late.... She says that she still loves me and that she always will, I just hope that it is the same love that we had as we started.

[Red]

I got the statement today 2-26-2008. It hurt like hell. We've been married since 2000 two kids. I had an affair in 2003 mainly because I felt I wasn't first in her life. she was pregnant with our second child and I was really mean to her. I wish I could take it back but I cant. She was recently involved in a triagle at work text messaging between two coworkers the thing is the meddages came to her and she was to forward them to her assistant. B/S I thought told her to get out of it. That was Thankd giving she brought it to me. Christmas he roffice party she tried to avoid me the ma in the situation was there. She and I fussed the I said I was leaving but didnt. After the party was over the guy was pushing a cart with her to her office. I immediately thought this is not the happening. Later in Feb she received a text saying "hey baby how r you feeling" I exploded confronted her pushed and yelled in front of my kids. I accused her of sleeping around and of an STD which turned out to be nothing. I guess I deserve what happened to me. Karma is alive and well. I love my wife sooo much always have and always will. I will always hold on to hope that we can get passs this. But this hurt s like hell and I wouldnt wish this on anyone. So my noto now is do right and right will always follow.

[Dave]

I got the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You just last week,It hurts so bad,We have been together for 8 years But we have known each other for over 20 years,I really want this to work out between us but I really don't know what to do,Should I just leave her alone for a while and not try to call her or what should I do,Please any help would be greatly appreciated..Thank You..

[Dave]

I got the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You just last week,It hurts so bad,We have been together for 8 years But we have known each other for over 20 years,I really want this to work out between us but I really don't know what to do,Should I just leave her alone for a while and not try to call her or what should I do,Please any help would be greatly appreciated..Thank You..

[jessica]

i told my husband that i loved him but was not in love with him.we have been together for 7 years and have two children under 6 years.we got together when i was 19 and it was love at first sight and i got pregnant after 4 months into relationship.but i have come to a point in the relationship that i no longer care if he loves me and have wanted him to cheat so that i have a reason to divorce.i know in my heart that i will always care for him and hope to stay friends but i dont feel he sees me as he did when we first met or appreciate me.i love my children and felt i needed him for them and i dont want them to come from a broken family but they see us row and feel the tension.we can't agree on what our future plans are,he wants to leave a job that pays well to persue dream job which will pay peanuts and i am homeschooling my children and they come first for me.i feel confused as how all that love i had washed away and left a women who cries for the ghost of the love we had.we dont have sex for months on end and he wants to but i dont want to give myself to a man who does not undrstand my needs.its so bad that if we were to go out on a date alone i fear all i will want to do is discuss my feelings which makes him angry and we then row and nothing is resolved.i sometimes think that my demanding him to get a job with future prospects pushed him into situation that result in his new attitude towards me and i resents that i am at home with the children and he should have used the years to get a good career.i know he is not happy but he wont talk openly.i would love to feel alive again and find myself the young women before the relationship but who am i without my other half.

[Brady]

I'm a military spouse, been with my wife for 3 years. my wife just got back from school for 3 months, and in a few days shes goin to combat training and then to japan for 7 months, she avoided coming back home for almost a week and stayed with her mother who is not a good wife/mother and my wife is deathly afraid of turning into. while my wife was at school, I started to notice little things that sent up red flags in my mind, and I started to get suspicious. we fought about those things a few times, but when my wife got back she gave me the love you but not in love deal, and told me the last 3 years have been a lie, because she couldn't be who she really was (depressed, self mutilating, suicidal, sex freak, etc...) because she didn't think I would want to be with her. the first night she was back she told me all this and told me about all the things she hid, and her friend "been" (pronounced "bean") who is also getting a divorce. she told me how "been" had really helped her and how they felt emotionally connected, they even went as far as making out. but my wife said shes not interested in playing for the other team. since my wife is goin leaving in 5 days and I won't be able to see her for 8 months, we don't have time to see a counselor or try anything to help our marriage. she wants to use the time shes goin to be away to think about everything, and why she feels the way she does but she doesn't think that she can stay faithful while shes on deployment. so far I have told her that failure is not an option for me, and I will not be the one filing for divorce. any ideas on what I can do besides the inevitable time apart plan?

[mealsonwheels]

I have recieved the "i love you but im not in love" with you yesterday for the second time in our marriage. first during my deployment 0ctober 2006 but eveantualy a week later said that she had realized what we had. But now she told me again becuz i havent changed much if not at all. i love Ash very much the same since day one if not more than ever. i admit i was the one for the cause and only now that she has verbaly told me her feelings that she still thinks i wont change. But i have been trying and she has noticed but she cant help her feelings. I am devasted b/c of what i have done to the love of my life and i dont want her to leave. I ask her if if she wanted to call it quits and with tears in her eyes said she thinks yes. in return i asked her how fast do you want to push paperwork through? and said not until our financial debt was cleared b/c she doesnt want to leave me that way. i responded well i dont care about my debt and if you want to leave i dont think i want you around b/c i'll still be hoping for you to fall back in love with me and only for you to leave once that last bill gets payed. I love her so damn much its hurts inside like i never felt.
i know ive made her feel this way for a long time now and i dont want her to feel this way any more but i love her and my 2 duaghters. She is willing to do counseling she stated but doesnt know if it will help her any about her feelings. WHAT DO I DO please any one if you have any advise.

21 married for 3 years and together almost 4

[Semaj Johnson]

"I love you but Im not in love with you" I agree with everyones comments about that terrible sentence. I have been with my wife for 7 years 2 in which we were married. We had a chid in december of 06 and everything begain to get very complicated in our marrige.I know i messesd up with certain aspects of the childcare situation, but im only human and I am very willing to make the changes that need to be made for the sake of our marriage.She however seems to think that nothing I do can change her feelings at this time, also she claims she needs space.We live together and I am devastated everyday by this groundhogs's day of a situation. I want nothing more than for her to come to her senses and realize that we need to preserve what we have and love each other again. ( At least her love me again) Every morning I wake up to a bad dream because I want nothing more than for us to be a loving family again. I have a burning desire in my heart to make things better, and because of that I have come on way to strong and have made myself look weaker to her than any point of our relationship. It is really hard for me to let go or give her space because I am so afraid she wont come back. However I need to be strong and let nature take its course. How do you get through to someone who has been emotionally damage due to a new set of responsibilities in her life that she thinks should be shared with the husband who has obviously not been breast feeding for a 1 1/2 years? How do I get her to understand that I am the man for her, and if she gives me a chance I can be the father and husband she envisioned me to be. Im so sorry !!!! All I want is another shot to show her I can be what she needs.Now she claims that she dosen't want to have anymore kids with me, but she wants more kids eventually. (Owch :( Please help....

[Andre Ferreira]

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[Andre Ferreira]

I too got the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase. When I heard this, I remained strong but later on that night i destroyed myself. I got drunk for the first time in my life and woke up looking in the mirrior saying "This is not the kind of person I am." I came to the realization that the one I truly loved was gaining interest in another person whom she classifies as just a 'friend' yet was seen walking in the mall with him hand in hand. When i heard this news I didn't know what to do but cut her loose from my life. I called her up yelling and hollering saying that after only 2 weeks she's already hopping onto some other dude and that she ripped my heart out and has no clue as to how I feel. Doing that though would only hurt her as well as myself. After my bender i realized that it wasn't a good thing I did, so I called her back the next day apologizing. Though i got no response something was telling me that she was glad I did that. We aren't together because i didn't give her the space she wanted, nor did i respect that decision. She tells me that us getting back together is all in my head, yet for some reason i can't help but believe and hope that we will some day be together again. I love her more than anything in the world, and with each passing day my heart grows more and more for her. There are times where I wish to stop it but i dunno how. I figure that if I give her the space she asks for during the 'separation' that maybe she'll miss me and how we were, yet at the same time deal with the fear of maybe she'll be with or find someone else during that space giving time. I want to be back in her heart more than anything in the world. I've had thoughts of suicide but I personally believe it to be a cowards way out. During the relationship, the way I acted at times wasn't the way i know i should have acted, which could be the reason as to why she emotionally and physically detached herself from me. Every day my mind burns with the thought that she has moved on and that she wants nothing more to do with me, but there is also the chance that she is waiting for me to grow a little bit more and improve to be just a little bit better. To be the grade A man that she knows I am soon to be. I know there are some areas i must improve on for I am human. We were together for 2 years and 7 months, and i know its nothing in comparison to others on this site seeing as how most here were married with children. I understand after the beginning and during this dismal torment that during our relationship there were times where we could've talked and I could have given her the ability to open up and tell her feelings without fear of getting into a fight. Though kids don't come into play in my situation, the sentence sure as hell does. Though the years isn't nearly as much as everyone else my heart aches just as much as the next person who had to be on the receiving end of that heart crushing sentence.
I'm 21 and most people would say that I'm too young to be tied down but I understand that now-a-days there aren't that many good people left in the world. Those people who say that, may have had their fair share of heartbreak but they seem to care very little about the person when they break their heart. I truly love this young woman, and I do look forward to a bright future and calm seas with her, however the both of us have to get past this terrible storm together, and not lose each other in it.

[Kenia]

I just got the " I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you" last night. It is not the first time that my boyfriend of three and a half years says this. But it is the first time that he says it sober and/or while not fighting. He came home to a cooked meal and his bath... We had been joking about making a date to make love that evening via text and were perfectly fine, in a lovey dovey mood. All was well until we got in bed to make love and he lost his erection after the first couple of minutes. This is when he decides to break the news to me.
We have been fighting moderately over insignificant stuff in the last six months. While drunk, or while angry, he has broken up with me and has said pretty harsh things. Then he would beg me to forgive him. This has been the pattern for some time and although I know it was coming, I had faith that we could make it work. I still love him, but I know I have to move on.
If anyone knows on an apartment in the NJ/NY area please write. I need a place to live ASAP.
Good luck to all.
:(

[Heart Ache]

What is the best way to give the person you love the space they need? My gut is in a knot , I can't sleep, I can't eat. I have no desire to engage in any of my hobbies. Help. I don't want to call her but the temptation is becoming unbearable.