What Am I For?

I had lunch with a friend who wants me to be an agent for social change.  You can make such a difference in the world, he told me.  He's told me this before. 

I said to him, I know I'm a leader, but I can't quite figure out what I want to lead.  I don't know what my cause is.  And the truth is, I'm not much of a joiner.  I get a little bit edgy and restless if I don't feel like I can slip out the back door.  I can't figure out how to reconcile the fact that people look to me as a leader, that I have a skillset and a competence and a confidence and a strong voice that makes me seem like a leader with the fact that I would rather sit in the back of the bus and learn about the disaffected people than be driving the bus and leading the camp cheers.  I don't know how to use my power, or even what it's for.

And then what welled up was this: What I really want to be for is helping people be themselves. 

Although I am moved by some causes, it's not really how I want to lead.  It seems burdensome to be a leader, unless it's something I'm super deeply committed to and know I won't get restless and want to skip out of.  So far only sailing related organizations do this for me.  That's not exactly social change, even when it's Special Olympics sailing or junior sailing or community boating.  I'm much more moved by individuals and concrete experiences.  I feel most alive when I'm taking a risk or reaching out to somebody or having an experience that feels authentic.  And I feel most proud when I help somebody else have such an experience.   When, through talking with me, they feel safer and more able to be themselves.  I like it when people say, "I'm so glad you said that, because I was thinking the same thing but I thought I was the only one."  Or when I can see them make the decision to trust me with a confidence, and the relief when the response is curiousity and empathy and not disgust or rejection.  Or when I introduce people who are able to unlock one another in a way that I can't.  Because I seem to have an instinct about how to open people up, even if the means to opening them is another person.    

This morning Housemate and I were talking about life milestones -- owning a house, being married, having a grown up job, being a parent. I shrugged and said, gee, I own a house but that's not such a big deal and immediately after I said it I recanted.  Owning the house isn't such a big deal because of the house or how it looks -- it's a shabby little mess of a home, with overgrown hedges and dingy floors.  But it is a safe place and a platform for gathering people and connecting them with one another and with things that make them feel joyous.  I have introduced people here who have fallen in love.  Three couples now for sure, with a fourth in serious infatuation mode.  Business leaders have breakdanced in my garage with car mechanics; distinguished CPAs have worn wigs and applied fake tattoos to lobstermen.  People recite poetry out loud to each other without embarrassment.  People come and play music here.  People sit at the counter with big paper and figure out their relationships and their careers and their lives.  People come to this place and they know they will be accepted and welcomed and they trust me and the other people they meet here.  I think this is the thing I'm proudest of, and the most important social impact I can have.  Can't figure out how to do it officially, exactly, or how to satisfy my friend who wants me to be a Community Leader, but I'd like to think I'll be doing it no matter what my business card says I am doing. 

Comments

[Slice]

Can't forget this one: your home is a place where former law students can sit at a table, each with his or her own can of play-doh, and make random objects and sculptures that start with a specific letter of the alphabet someone chooses.

That was fun as hell.

[turboglacier]

Two words: charge admission.

[emily mann]

I wanna come over to your house!

[ML]

Turboglacier has a good idea there. You could call it S.'s house of transformation" or some such thing. I wonder if any businesses have been born yet out of blogging?

[Lynne]

"I don't know how to use my power, or even what it's for." Eventually, the answer to this question will find you. If you care about answering this question, the answer is likely to find you sooner. BTW, it sounds like you'd make an excellent teacher.

[PG]

Sounds like you're a Community Leader already. Don't let yourself be pushed into a commitment you don't want; I think you're already a walking (and housing) service to your community.

Sometimes when you decide "OK, this is what my Activity is," you start losing the sense of being open to providing help to whoever or whatever comes along. I think organized volunteering is necessary more for people who otherwise wouldn't have it happen at all and would look back at the end of a year and feel regretful, for people who are too rushed on a daily basis to have a lot of pockets of time for listening to and helping people.

[Andalucinda]

You sound great. Perceptive, real and strong. I just found you by accident when I googled 'what am i for'? Because I don't know right now. I have talents, I have strengths, but I am held back by diffidence, laziness, can't take myself seriously. You sound strong and unique in what you are doing - your community is lucky to have you! Me, I have to decide whether to move forward, or give in to my 'story of unachievements' and drift with the tide. Thanks for your great post.

[Marliese]

I just attended what is called Night of Light run by a beautiful and talented woman by the name of Gaia and she left us with this exact message "what am i for". I am absolutely fascinated that this statement or question has actually been asked before. One could say, this is who I am or one may ask who or what am I, but to ask what am I for is not a way of thinking that has struck me. I love your creating of who you are, because as you speak, you are creating more the reality of who you are and who you are becoming. What a lovely and fresh and honest and humble state you are in and a beautiful recognition that you have qualities and abilities that we possess, inherently, in a way that has been developed, so thankyou for asking that question, because without that statement coming up tonight at the end of our meditation, I would never have found you...
blessings with all that you continue to do.
with love & light
Marliese

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