Professional Update

Okay, so here's what's going on with me.  I've been in a holding pattern, waiting for a job I really, really wanted.  I don't mean that theoretically; I mean, someone called me about a job I really really wanted and invited me to apply, and I've been in the hopper for that for a really long time.  I'm talking since late September.  First they extended the search, then they thought they were going to have interviews in early December, then in late December.  In early January they scheduled interviews for late January.  At the interview, which I thought went very well, they were all apologies about how long the process had taken, and promised a decision by mid-February.  There's been no decision since, and no response to my gentle queries. 

At this point, although I've not heard anything official, I've concluded the job is dead.  There's a grapevine which suggests an internal conflict about the position.  There are external circumstances that have changed that make it less likely the position will exist.  All is uncertain.   I would have loved the job; I would have been good at it, passionate about it, and I think I could have done good and made a good living.  But I'm done waiting for it. 

So I'm at square one.  I took a gamble, figuring that this job was exactly what I wanted to do.   Although I had very qualified competition for the slot, I would have kicked myself if I hadn't done everything I could to have gotten it.  I can look back and say I think I did everything in my power to make it come about.  I'm glad I did, but yowza.  Here it is, six months later, and I have very little to show for it. 

That's not true, of course.  I have a lot to show for it.  I haven't written much about what I've been thinking and feeling and observing professionally while I've not been working, but this is rich and fertile and difficult territory for me.  Letting go of a job title and a professional definition, even if I didn't think I was that attached to it in the first place, has been an exercise in grasping and clutching and fear and letting go and trust.  Getting comfortable with an extremely reduced income, facing my own safety net and my ideas about security and money and value and self-sufficiency and responsibility and risk.  Structuring my time, managing projects, figuring out what I truly love doing, what I do because I need to, and what I don't need to do even though I always thought I did.  Dealing with my own moods, my feelings about self-worth and the value other people put on my various skills.  Good heavens.  There's a lot going on.  I've not been writing about it, maybe because I felt too in-between or too exposed.  I am not sure why.   That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking, pretty deeply, or feeling, pretty intensely, a whole lot.   

In any event, that's where I've been.  I've kept a little income coming in with for-pay projects.  I need to make more money, in fairly short order.  I'm ready to say goodbye to the dream job, and find the next big thing. 

Comments

[Yeoman]

And how will you approach finding what that next big thing is?

[tbtine]

Wow. I can so completely relate to your post that it doesn't even matter that I'm not in the same profession (I'm an independent creative/graphic designer trying to motivate myself to get a business up and running). As much as I hate to say misery loves company, I get some strange kind of pleasure from knowing that it isn't just artists who have this kind of struggle--its humans.

[Rik]

For what it's worth I'm about four years ahead of you on the same arc. Walked away from big time consulting for various reasons and decided to go with what I liked and not marry the money and the title. What I like doesn't pay remotely as well. I've chewed down the safety net quite a bit as I blundered about figuring out what I wished to do and then, how to go about doing it. Many interesting things happened along the way, a couple of which might be relevant to you as you cast about. First, had a similar experience with a particular job that excited me greatly. Long process, long wait, job disappeared (I don't know if it's the same as what you referred to...there was disagreement within the organization as to whether the position should exist...they pulled the job) and me greatly bummed. Second, never in a million years would I have guessed what I'd wind up doing, where, for how much, and how damn much I enjoy it.

Hang in there. If nothing else it's a helluva ride.

[abt]

i find that the hardest question now might be whether the dead job is truly what you really wanted to do. and once you had yourself convinced it was, how do you go find something else - something that does exist.
of course, i'm looking for jobs not entirely knowing what my dream job would be, and what i'm even capable of doing out there, torn between starting and settling. sigh.

[Yeoman]

On the plus side, you gave it your best shot, so you've given it all you can. No regrets there.

I actually did pass up a dream job. I'd wanted it for a long time, but the introductory pay was very uncertain, and it had a long probationary period and weedout process. I'd just gotten engaged when they finally offered it to me. I accepted, and then changed my mind. I've regretted it ever since. You won't have that burden.