About Leaving Law and Trying To Write

I think that I am a natural writer.  I think it is what I was born to do.  I have chattering voice in my head that is asking questions and noticing details and imagining alternate scenes (real life gone awry) all the time.  I have a different character in my head who can be a ruthless editor (and after she's come around, the persona with the endless supply of ideas is just a little bit less exuberant, and carries a lot more doubt that her ideas are any good).  I lose track of time when I write and I can always find something to write about and it takes discipline to stop, to pull myself away and be on time to dinner appointments or meetings.  But I don't particularly have discipline or focus.  I don't have a promoter inside me.  I don't know how to work or how to develop or package or sell my writing. 

And this is the thing right now.  I'm terrified.  Cry me a river, right?  But I hate my clumsy ignorance about how to write, how to submit writing, what to select and how to tailor my writing and pitch my materials to people who might want to publish it.  It is crippling and my paralysis in this regard feels irresponsible and stressful and a little bit tragic.  I feel like I'm Stephen Hawking's caretaker, and all I have to do is get him his breakfast and drive him to the lab for some big meeting with a bunch of physicists, and I forget what foods he's allergic to and I can't start the car and then I can't read the map and here's Stephen Hawking with all his potential and all these people who want to hear what's there in his head and me, the klutzy hired help, is getting stuck in traffic and going the wrong way down a one-way street and not able to find a parking place and he's going to miss the conference and the world is never going to hear what he had to say. 

Not that I feel like I'm brilliant like Stephen Hawking or anything like that.  Just that the part of me I doubt right now isn't my innate ability to see or to write (although probably I should) but rather this other part, the steward and caretaker and practical manager of whatever talent I've got. And I have no confidence in that steward and I hate feeling like my crappy stewardship is going to kill any talent I may or may not have as a writer, just let it languish there in the car while I'm running into the Mobil Mart asking if there's anyone who knows how to change a tire.

And yesterday as I was trying to explain this to someone I started to cry because although I wasn't particularly distinguished as a lawyer there was no discrepancy between my talent and the path to success.  The path to success was easy and clear, and without any particular desire or drive I was tripping merrily along, getting great feedback and affirmation and feeling no doubt that I have what it takes to be a good lawyer.

About which, who cares, ultimately.  Lots of people are good lawyers.  I wasn't going to be a Great Lawyer, or Change the World.  That's never been my aspiration, even when I was really engaged in what I was doing.  I didn't have Stephen Hawking in the car, or whoever the metaphorical legal equivalent might be.  But whoever I was charged with driving around, I had a roadmap and a nice fast car and a Transpass and one of those Mobil key swipes that lets you fill your gas tank on someone else's dime, and I could direct my talent right where it needed to go without even noticing that was what I was doing, and I never had to be afraid that clumsy stewardship would keep me from realizing my innate talents. 

Anyway, I'm not unhappy that I walked away from law and that I declared my intention to write more seriously, but sometimes this fumbling around feels dreadful and tiring and depressing and fills me with fear and shame.   Like right now.  Right now that's just what it feels like.  I don't want any of my old life as a lawyer back, not even the money, but I long for that roadmap I once had. 

Comments

[ijk]

Contrary to your sense of clumsiness, I think you have made a "Discussion" (the capital "D" is important) and as we chatted about a while ago, are heading in the right direction. My Decision not to practice was, I am convinced, on the the smarter of my professional career...I am certain you will find this to be true as well. I think you are entitled to the occasional ego-stroke, and to that end will state again just how much we both love your writing style, flow and voice. Personally, I would love to see the semi-autobiographical tale of the Barbies' years at Yale (to be followed, of course, by the Barbies' adventures at law school)...but that is just my opinion (though I do think it would run rings around the Nanny Diaries and/or Bridget). I/we truly look forward to seeing where this leads you, Sherry. We are just down the lane and will support you as you need it. I look forward to asking you to sign a first edition or two at your release party.

[TP]

Answer lies within the process, IMO. Right now, seems like you're going through the thrashing about, the attempts to locate the path at the entrance to the wild, overgrown forest.

I would imagine that the process of trying to find that path is difficult. But I daresay that you'll find it.

[a]

the bad news: you don't know everything. the good news: you know that you don't know everything.

the bad news: you don't quite know how to get where you aspire to be. the good news: you know that, and are willing to do the legwork to find out.

the bad news: you're not there yet. the good news: you don't have to travel alone.

[sketch element]

Nicely put.

Publishing is just a process like so many other things. A few years ago you didn't know how to file something in court. Take a class, read a book, ask someone in the business. You know what to do.

[Bobby]

I can relate to that paralysis and feeling of helplessness when it comes your writing aspirations.

I'm a guy who can write an article about a fatal traffic accident at the drop of a hat, yet when I get home, all I do is stare at my blinking cursor. I've lived with that blinking cursor and that blank screen for years.

The good thing is that you're writing almost as regularly as you breath(and not drafting court motions and briefs). You have a blog that a lot of people read. While I don't think your life will ever be the basis for a made-for-Lifetime Channel movie, I think you have a compelling life story because you're a person with apparently contradictory facets.

You're a Yale graduate, a law school valedictorian and yacht club event organizer who gives lively dinner parties and sails a boat. (I can't even swim). But you freely reveal your insecurities about your writing, being intimate with others and your future. A woman, who left the security (but does it come at a price?) of a legal career to be true to herself and her life. That's a story that should be told.

Have you checked out those 'guide to getting yourself published' books?

[Courtney]

Some of lives most frightening journies come when you know where you are at and you know where you are going, but you're unsure of the path which will take you there. You are where you are suppose to be, and you will eventually get to where you are going.

[cmc]

I know your post wasn't meant to about the law-- but what an interesting insight. The appeal of a legal career for many people is doubtless the clear "road map" to "success."

[the light]

You want fear and shame? Try going to law school so that you can foot the bill of being a writer by being a lawyer, graduating and having no job at all to speak of. Oh yeah, and losing the will to write during the lovely hazing ritual that is law school and the bar.

I'm right there with you, in a sense, although you have a lot more guts than I do, taking that big plunge out of the law and into the writing world. I'm still waiting for my break in the law world, which isn't even my dream. Isn't that sad?

We'll make it as long as we just keep writing. Sing it like Dory in Finding Nemo! "Just keep writing! Just keep writing!"

[cheap chanel watches]

I think studying animal cognition, behavior, and communication is (sometimes) fun and (always) interesting,