15 Things: Being Brave is Better

I started this 15 Things thread a few months ago, to reflect on the things I've learned since I started writing this weblog.  In retrospect, I was climbing out of a hole back then.  I had a bad winter, dark and depressing.  Part of the reason winter was hard was because I was afraid.  I was alone and afraid of being single, afraid of my own loneliness.  I had a health issue that scared me more than I wanted to admit, an ominous presence in my consciousness every day.  And I was afraid to let go of the law, and its promise of a secure, respectable, profitable profession.  I was pretty sure I didn't want to practice again, but I wanted to keep that as a safe fallback option, so I felt I had to walk a careful line, in case I wanted to go back.  It felt dangerous to admit the truth: that I'm creative and that I need to spend a fair amount of time outdoors.  At times in the winter I was hanging on with a brittle smile and a too-loud laugh, just trying to hold it all together.  I wished away my instincts and my fears and my longings, trying to pretend they weren't part of me.

I keep learning this lesson, but it's a hard one.  It's so much easier to admit who you are, admit what you're scared of and tackle it, than to cork it up.  Why does it feel so much harder?  I don't know.   

I do know that this is the life I have.  I might as well try to fix things that are broken, to get things that I want, to make things happen.  There will be time later to revert to a safe course if this doesn't work.  I'm trying to admit what I know and what I don't know, what I want and what I know to be a trap for me.  I'm trying to take risks even when I'm scared.  I'm trying to be more fluid, to let myself respond more.  It feels really good.  The more I do it the easier it gets. 

Over the past couple of months some acquaintances have exclaimed, "You look radiant!  You look so healthy."  It has happened three or four times, with different people, or I wouldn't remark on it.    Something shows, I guess.  I feel happy and healthy, comfortable with myself.  I have things to do -- lots of goals --  but I don't feel so much like I have things to prove.  I don't think I realized the extent to which I was chasing external goals for a long time.  Seems strange that this is what I should be writing under the heading of "Being Brave," but it feels like one of the bravest things I've done is walked away from the practice of law, in order to discover how to be myself. 

Comments

[Jodi]

Thank you so much for this post; I related to so much of what you wrote. I just graduated from law school, and am going to start working at a firm I like and respect next week. But I can't help but hear that little voice in my head that keeps saying, "You want to write more. You want to spend more time outdoors. When are you going to create a life around that, instead of fitting it in at the margins?" Yes, you are brave.

Your constant and forthcoming admissions of the truth make me want to throw caution into the wind and follow my dreams despite their possible repercussions.... Thank you :)

[Jill]

Hurrah and congratulations! I love your writing and your blog and it's nice to hear that its author is happy and well.

[Harry]

Thank you so much for this beautiful post. You have inspired me to become braver in my daily life.

[kimberly]

I'm no lawyer, I work a nine to five, dibble and dabble into my art, beginning guitar lesson's and long to make a living thru those things (my passions). I'm an aquarius which makes me naturally need to work outdoors,
but I've settled for a comfort zone which is literally killing me dead. I appreciate your writing. Its nice to know others are dealing with the same inner struggles with life.

[ravi]

hi, its the same that occurs wid me...ur blog is very g ud..can u tell me wats the difference between constructive ideas and instinct driven ideas which happen to make a mood on a particular moment.. do mail me back