All Requests: What Is A Well Dressed Man, Part 2

This is the thing about dressing.  You are not just covering your body.  You are sending messages to the world about who you are -- your social class, your aesthetic preferences, the degree to which you are tuned into other people and the people you feel most comfortable with.  You are sending messages about what you think of yourself and what you value. 

So here are the messages -- good and bad -- that you can send with your clothing choices.  These hidden messages are the reason I don't always find well-dressed men more attractive than poorly dressed men.  Each group has some drawbacks and some endearing traits.  Although I notice the way a man dresses, I don't value it enough to have it be part of my criteria for dating, so I've dated men in all three categories -- although the personality traits I like tend to attract me to Category 1s and Category 3s more than Category 2s. 

1) Category 1 men -- well dressed men: They are aware of what they look like.  They notice details -- drape, texture, color -- and can make choices about which ones and which combinations will fit them and convey a particular mood.  They are tuned into the social world and know how to convey a bit of personality through their clothing -- and this indicates a larger sort of social fluidity -- a man who knows how to dress is probably a man who knows how to act in different social situations, who is sensitive to ways to blend in and ways to stand out.  They have an aesthetic sense and recognize the impression that their appearance makes on people.  They know what looks good on them. 

       They may be vain.  They may be high maintenance.  They may be fussy.  They may be perfectionists.  They may be shallow.  These are the red flags I get from some well-dressed men.  I find vanity and fussyness very unattractive.  So I like some well-dressed men, but am put off by other well-dressed men. 

Category 2 men: Understand the basic rules of dressing, but don't venture beyond Banana Republic or the Gap or some other corporate decision maker to determine taste.  These men are tuned in enough to recognize and avoid the big fashion gaffes that are possible.  Their clothes fit and flatter.  But they are either too disinterested or too cowardly to make any decisions for themselves.  They are conformist.  They will not look clueless, but they don't seem to have a strong aesthetic of their own, and they are afraid to take risks.  These are the blue button down, khaki pants, grey sweater guys.  They look fine, and they get social situations.  They know how to fit in.  They strike me as boring.  But they're often attractive enough, their clothes are flattering, and they've got a social radar.  They're adults, they can navigate the grown up world and do just fine, but they're not leaders, or innovators, or blazing any trails. 

Category 3 men: They're either naiive or arrogant in believing that clothes aren't worth any attention, and that dressing doesn't mean anything in particular.  They either don't have an aesthetic or are lazy.  They don't recognize the social messages they are giving off with the way they put themselves together.  That may indicate that they don't pick up other social signals.  Will they feel awkward at a fancy wedding, or a beach picnic -- someplace out of their usual element?  These men are often sweet.  They are not vain.  They are not fussy.  They are agreeably oblivious.   They cling to things that they like, for sensible or emotional reasons.  "It's really soft."  "I've had it forever."  They're loyal. 

I believe, firmly and deeply, that you cannot and should not try to change somebody else.  So if I date somebody who is a Category 3 kind of guy, I accept that he may always be a poor dresser.  I've dated several of them and except when asked (e.g. "Which tie do you think would look better for this wedding,") I stay out of their clothing choices.  It's not a big deal in the scheme of things.  But a guy who can dress wins points for sure. 

Comments

[Jessica]

Allow me to tell you about my husband. He is a category 3 and you must have been inside his head at some time. He IS oblivious and he IS sweet. He even thinks he has good taste. (Awwwe) I try to tell him he has No taste, not bad, just none. He dresses the same way everyday, no spice, pure vanilla. No fresh colors, never a shirt tail to be seen. And one thing for sure, there is no changing him.

[bill]

You are rocking them over at Unfogged. Who would have thought?

[Litoralis]

I'd like to think that those of us "Category 3" men have just realized that there is not much point in putting a ton of effort into clothes for anything other than a special occasion. I don't think this is "naiive or arrogant"; in fact, people who rely on clothing for their social cues probably have more of a problem (see Sherry's post on Assumptions where her outfit contributed to assumptions about her academic background).
There are obviously times when dressing appropriately is very important (job interview, wedding etc.), but if I want to wear my corduroy pants, hiking boots and a fleece sweater to the office in the winter because it is cold and the streets are slippery then I will do it. The same with wearing shorts and a short sleeved shirt in the summer...if I would be sweaty and uncomfortable in a suit then why bother.

[DaveL]

I think you're really missing something in your comments about Category 2. Clothing that just sort of blends in may reflect neither cowardice nor conformity, but a conscious choice to minimize the social signals sent by one's clothing. If you're judging people as boring based on their clothing, you may be making some pretty shallow judgments and missing out on some interesting people who prefer not to play the first impressions game.

And what Litoralis said.

[A]

yeah, so my husband is a Category 2 kind of guy. His profession requires him to be tailored but conservative. He owns lots of blue dress shirts. But he actually has succeeded quite well at his profession. He's not curing cancer, but he is someone other people in his profession look up to. I don't think he's boring. He's warm and loving and generous and has a wickedly subtle and dry sense of humor.

so... I totally agree with Litoralis.

[Al Wheeler]

Since the rules for male dressing are so much simpler than for females, there is no excuse to be a category 3. Regarding the excuse of comfort, if you are out in public and wish to be presentable, some comfort has to be given up. It signals to friends, coworkers and strangers that we are not totally self-absorbed.

[l.]

What Al said.

[Mookman]

Bah, a pox on Al.

Category 3 is what I am. Matters of clothes have always eluded me, I dress for my work and for my comfort. When I go 'up town' I wish to look nice - but if I feel comfortable I am comfortable and that's better than looking right and feeling wrong or awkward. There are occasions when I wish I had more of a sense of style, but then I remember that the clowns who parade around with their latest styles today are the same meatheads who paraded around in parachute pants and shirts with zippers on them yesterday. Fashion is the most Lemming-like of afflictions.

Yes, clothes do make the man. To strangers. And I would rather matter to friends.

[Ben Duffy]

Parachute Pants, wide shoelaces, Cure T-shirts, chuck taylors, z-cavaricchi's, ripped knee acid washed jeans, army bags, don't make one a meathead.

The archie bunker mentality of labeling his unemployed funkily-clad grad-student son-in-law "Meathead" puts Mookman in the proper perspective http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meathead

[Brandon]

I used to be Category 3, but I have been convinced that "clothes make the man." I would say I am Category 2, although I would like to achieve category one. Most of my blazers fit well in the shoulders but the sleeves are longer--I am a 44R, and that is hard to find, so I usually have to step uIp to the next size. I always wear a nice button up shirt and a blazer when I go out anywhere, but like I said, I have trouble getting the perfect fit with my size. It irritates me because I hate when my sleeves are not always showing with my suit--although since most have little fashion sense, they say I look great which compared to most, I do.

I do find that dressing well gets you treated better in public--I notice that I am treated a lot better by salespeople and the general public, perhaps because they think I have money or somthing. I am a college student, so I have little money, but apperance is important to me, so I do invest some of my money in it.

I agree fully with the idea that you should never sacrifice comfort for style--that is the problem today. People want to wear a short sleeve shirt because it is "hot".

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