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I guess the point of your comment "people do exactly what they want to do" is that there is no deeper meaning or substance except for what I am making of it. I can agree with that for the most part. I don't deny that I have read into this MUCH more than I should have. Like I said, I forced it to exist. But when you feel strongly for someone, even as a friend, it's not always easy to be so objective. This has obviously affected me significantly...probably more than most breakups I've had, actually. I'm still coming to terms with it and the ripples it has created in my life.

I wouldn't say I've even hit on her really...just worked a little harder than normal, maybe too hard, to keep her around as a friend. I'm sure my "confession session" had a definite creep factor...but it was how I felt, and I had an inexplicable need to tell her. I don't know what i expected her to do with that information. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do, but I don't regret it because it was honest and heartfelt. I don't regret saying anything that I feel strongly, or comes from true respect or admiration. It may seem creepy to those who misunderstand or draw conclusions. But I know the trueness of my feelings, so others' perception of them makes no difference in the end.

The creepy guy joke was just a way of me saying that I realized I did wrong, had moved on from my pathetic behavior, and I was poking fun at it. Because we have a bit of history and general friendship, I don't think she thinks of me as a total creepy guy. She seemed to get the joke, but yeah, there is a definite amount of awkwardness that no joke will soften, and probably never will.

It remains to be seen if it is a true friendship or nothing at all. We do still work on some projects together and talk from time to time, so we'll see. It is out of my control, and I am almost OK with that. I'll always think of her with sincere respect and admiration, but I realize even that is probably not mutually felt, so I have had to let go of the hope for it. Or at least moved on from it.


I've visited this thread maybe 2 times since my last post above. It has become the only remaining "log" of what has proven to be one of the most significant emotional trips of my life, so I guess it has a bit of intrigue for me.

I feel I have almost completely recovered. It took a solid 6 months before I could go a day without thinking about her. It took another 3 before I was completely back on my feet. THe ironic thing is getting back on my bike is what cured me. I guess the thing that brought her into my life was also the instrument that got her out of my mind. I felt that I "owned" my life back at that point. It was an awakening. Interestingly, she and I are in pretty regular contact at work, and I also see her in the cycling cirles outside of work. Even though I still respect and admire her...and OK, I still think she's hot, I now look at it with the right set of eyes and in the right context. At the end of the day, I just think she is a good person and I'm glad to know her.

We haven't shared a heart to heart conversation, about the "confession" or anything else, and I have my doubts we ever will again, but I'm OK with that. After all, I have permanently scarred the relationship and I know it. ANd besides...I'm half concerned that anything deeper would lead me down the same road. She has an effect on me I just can't shake...some pheromone thing. And that can't happen, so I keep it professional, couteous and on the top. So far that works. And as time continues to pass, it will only get better.

I'm now thinking I have deeper issues to contend with in my marriage, and I am working on that. So far that is not going as well as it could. But I am trying every day to be a better person. And I thank God for the gifts He has given me. It is good to be happy once again, despite the minor issues in life we all deal with.

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