This last batch of requests has lasted nearly a month. I feel a little bit guilty for not being able to fit them all into a day, or a week. I still like doing this feature -- my favorite posts often turn out to be things it hadn't occurred to me to write about. But I'm sorry I'm not more prompt. On the other hand, I'm glad the volume of requests and the quality of your questions is so high and varied.
A reader emails to ask me where I stand on the issue of revealing a longstanding crush for someone you see regularly, who you do not have particular reason to believe reciprocates your feelings.
I've written about this before. My immediate instinct was to say "DO NOT CONFESS." But that's not all that useful, I think. I generally confess, and sometimes it's reciprocated, and sometimes not, and life goes on. I have no idea which is the proper course. I used to think confessing was the best way to go, if you could stand it. I thought it was flattering to the recipient and a relief to the crush holder, and it forced the issue out on the table for resolution and forward motion. The only downside I saw was on the crushholder's side: the risk of humiliation or at least temporary discomfort and self-doubt if the crush isn't reciprocated. I'm coming around to a different view.
The different view is about courtesy. Of course it's flattering to be admired. But it can also be uncomfortable. When a crush is revealed, the crushee is handed the power to hurt someone's feelings. That's a burden. The crushee has to decide what to do with this new power, and there are a slew of wrong choices. If you don't like someone back, it can make you anxious even if it's unacknowledged. When it becomes acknowledged, there's even more responsibility. How can you be gentle, gracious, respectful, authentic and truthful? I think it's possible to do all of this, and I hope I have done so myself, but it certainly isn't easy. And the person hasn't had a chance to think it through, and his or her reaction is being watched with intense hope by the admirer. What a situation of pressure it puts the admired person in! It seems unkind, and unfair.
So when you confess a crush that you aren't certain is reciprocated, I think you are choosing your own relief (finally! I'm unburdened! I've been carrying this around for so long!) without regard for the burden you're putting on the object of your affection. If you have a crush on this person, we know it's someone who is kind, who cares about you, who you respect. That makes it all the more difficult for that person to express anything short of "Oh, thank you! I've been waiting for you to say something! That's exactly, exactly how I feel! Come here and smooch me, baby!"
My current way of thinking about this sort of thing is to ask myself, "Am I certain that having this conversation will make the person I really care about feel more comfortable than remaining silent?" If there's a lot of sexual tension or a lot of unresolved flirtation, the answer is probably yes, even if circumstances may keep you two from getting together. If you and this person have a really comfortable rapport, or if the likelihood of embarrassment is small for other reasons, that makes it more tenable to confess. But if it's a one-way crush, or if it might be, I'm not sure it's a kind and selfless thing to do.
I think it comes down to expectation. An unconfessed crush is hope without expectation. A confessed crush carries expectation. Expectation carries the power of disappointment. So be careful and as clear as you can about your expectations before you confess something. The bigger they are, the bigger the social burden you're handing to the object of your crush when you reveal it.
I guess the point of your comment "people do exactly what they want to do" is that there is no deeper meaning or substance except for what I am making of it. I can agree with that for the most part. I don't deny that I have read into this MUCH more than I should have. Like I said, I forced it to exist. But when you feel strongly for someone, even as a friend, it's not always easy to be so objective. This has obviously affected me significantly...probably more than most breakups I've had, actually. I'm still coming to terms with it and the ripples it has created in my life.
I wouldn't say I've even hit on her really...just worked a little harder than normal, maybe too hard, to keep her around as a friend. I'm sure my "confession session" had a definite creep factor...but it was how I felt, and I had an inexplicable need to tell her. I don't know what i expected her to do with that information. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do, but I don't regret it because it was honest and heartfelt. I don't regret saying anything that I feel strongly, or comes from true respect or admiration. It may seem creepy to those who misunderstand or draw conclusions. But I know the trueness of my feelings, so others' perception of them makes no difference in the end.
The creepy guy joke was just a way of me saying that I realized I did wrong, had moved on from my pathetic behavior, and I was poking fun at it. Because we have a bit of history and general friendship, I don't think she thinks of me as a total creepy guy. She seemed to get the joke, but yeah, there is a definite amount of awkwardness that no joke will soften, and probably never will.
It remains to be seen if it is a true friendship or nothing at all. We do still work on some projects together and talk from time to time, so we'll see. It is out of my control, and I am almost OK with that. I'll always think of her with sincere respect and admiration, but I realize even that is probably not mutually felt, so I have had to let go of the hope for it. Or at least moved on from it.
Posted by: Shady | March 01, 2009 at 01:26 AM
I've visited this thread maybe 2 times since my last post above. It has become the only remaining "log" of what has proven to be one of the most significant emotional trips of my life, so I guess it has a bit of intrigue for me.
I feel I have almost completely recovered. It took a solid 6 months before I could go a day without thinking about her. It took another 3 before I was completely back on my feet. THe ironic thing is getting back on my bike is what cured me. I guess the thing that brought her into my life was also the instrument that got her out of my mind. I felt that I "owned" my life back at that point. It was an awakening. Interestingly, she and I are in pretty regular contact at work, and I also see her in the cycling cirles outside of work. Even though I still respect and admire her...and OK, I still think she's hot, I now look at it with the right set of eyes and in the right context. At the end of the day, I just think she is a good person and I'm glad to know her.
We haven't shared a heart to heart conversation, about the "confession" or anything else, and I have my doubts we ever will again, but I'm OK with that. After all, I have permanently scarred the relationship and I know it. ANd besides...I'm half concerned that anything deeper would lead me down the same road. She has an effect on me I just can't shake...some pheromone thing. And that can't happen, so I keep it professional, couteous and on the top. So far that works. And as time continues to pass, it will only get better.
I'm now thinking I have deeper issues to contend with in my marriage, and I am working on that. So far that is not going as well as it could. But I am trying every day to be a better person. And I thank God for the gifts He has given me. It is good to be happy once again, despite the minor issues in life we all deal with.
Posted by: Shady | July 20, 2009 at 10:55 PM