What I'm Thinking About

I stumbled upon this quote a few days ago and have been thinking about the yearning for certainty, and how you can really never get there unless you're stuck or stale.  I am certain about a few things (living in Maine, who my friends are and what my loyalties and duties to them are) but in so many other things I am uncertain.  And the uncertainty and invention and wondering and tapping my own gut and instincts to try to figure out how to act in the face of uncertainty is the place where most of my growth comes from. 

I'm also thinking about intensity and competition and disappointment and drive.  When is ambition and drive and intensity and competitiveness healthy and when does it become destructive, and how do I cultivate the one, in myself and in my students, without pushing into the other?  I've been in both places in my own life: too driven and competitive, too hard on myself, too crushed by setbacks, my ego all caught up in how I perform, who I'm better than.  And I've been too lazy and lackadaisical, dabbling but not fully invested, feeling okay about myself regardless of my performance.  Neither one is all that good, but the path between them is narrow. 

I've been thinking about my parents.  I really love them, which I guess is obvious, but I enjoy and respect them as people too, in a way that feels rare and lucky.  I admire their marriage: they're in love, even more now than when I was growing up.  Their love is stable and very evident, but it's not obvious how or why it's there.  You might not match them up if you knew them separately.  My parents are very different in lots of ways, but they share some deep values.  Although their differences make them bump into one another quite regularly, they work their way through exasperation and confusion and diverging tastes pretty sensibly.  They make a long happy marriage look easy.  I've never doubted that I can fall in love and hold it for my life.  But this weekend I realized that thinking that finding lasting love is easy might not be all that helpful for me.  I've been beating myself up by thinking, "if it's so easy, how come I haven't managed it yet?  I must be really pathetic."  And that's kind of a silly thing to be carrying around.  I'd like to let that go. 

I'm thinking about when I'll have time to do all the yard work I need to do.  The daffodills in the sunny corner where the dryer vent comes out are popped out, and the rest of them, on the wall near the edge of the porch, are getting ready.  Maybe next week I can block out some time to clean up the yard. 

Comments

[jen]

Thanks for the quote. Reminded me of similar advice I used to get from an old friend. Whenever I was apprehensive about a plan or an outing, this old friend always used to remind me: "We can't lose -- either things will go exactly as planned or we'll have a really good story." This reminder has great applications for writers searching for topics that they can really speak to... great stories often grow out of uncertainty and unpredicted challenges.