I got an email from a friend this morning who wrote about reading my most recent entry: "I felt like I was in a room where I shouldn't have been, watching something unfold...." I've had reactions like that before, from friends, who feel they need to confess to me that they read the blog. "I feel like a voyeur, I want you to know that I know this about you, that I'm following your life this way."
I am grateful for those reactions. They feel flattering. And often when I write something personal, a memory or a snippet, I don't get very many comments. If I note that my toilet is leaking I get a dozen helpful responses, but when I write something personal you folks are often silent, leaving me wondering if I've bored you or been too self-indulgent. Should I go back to leaky-toilet blogging? (I could tell you about my automatic garage door opener, which seems to have a gremlin in it, making it open and close by itself, at mysterious times. I think it's rain induced. Very mysterious. I am hoping that ignoring it will solve the problem.)
Anyway, it should be obvious but it isn't, always. It's okay if you read these memories. I'm publishing them on the Internet. You're not spying on me. I don't write about things that are truly private. I'm trying to be braver and braver in my own life, and one of the ways I'm doing that is challenging myself to share things that scare me, to expose my own soft spots. I have a lot of soft spots. Part of the practice of having this weblog is learning not to be ashamed of my own tender heart, not to try to pretend all the time.
But if you feel like a voyeur, I guess in some ways that feels like a confirmation of something. I am really sharing myself, here. I'm trying not to use this space as a projection screen for a false self, a persona that I am hiding behind. When I sit down to write I don't often think about what readers will think about something. I write what I am thinking about, and then before I hit publish I ask, "is this something I will regret posting? Is it hurtful or too private?" I write first, and there are plenty of things I write that I just save as drafts, and don't make public. What you are getting is a glimpse into my memories and reflections, my process. I feel safe sharing this with you. So far, mostly, people are kind and generous in your responses. You've made me realize I don't need to hide everything away, and that all of us have tender memories and soft spots.
So, if you feel like you're spying on me, I want you to know that you are and you aren't. I'm showing you pieces of me that we might not ever talk about, in the ordinary course of knowing one another. But I trust you. I don't mind you knowing. And if what I write touches you, let me know, because it makes me feel even safer.
Has anyone ever written you back when you posted a "memory" post about them?
Posted by: Stephanie | June 08, 2006 at 10:29 AM
I wonder if there's also an element, in your friends' and acquaintances' concern about spying on you, of their wondering whether they should take everything they read here as "real." Not to get into the James Frey debate, but I'm not sure that you really owe a lot of strangers on the internet the most accurate picture of yourself that you can draw; inasmuch as blogging is a writing exercise, I think you should feel free to add deeper shadows, brighter colors; to amplify some details and shave off others. To make the story better and more truthful as an expression of how you feel even if that sacrifices some factual accuracy.
Posted by: PG | June 08, 2006 at 10:41 AM
S,
I think it was Churchill who said that the reason we read is to know that we're not alone.
I'm a constant lurker ("spy") on you sight. I never post. It's your inner mono/dia-logues and self introspection which bring me back (some times several times a day . . .).
Why? In one word: reassurance. We all need the reassurance that there are others going through similar struggles, desires, yearnings e.t.c., and are still despite it all are still doing mightily fine. You express yourself well, and express feelings many of us have. I guess its sort of an invalidation for our feelings.
So although we may not comment on these more "personal" posts, these are the ones which draw us back again and again.
Keep 'em up!
Posted by: With a Capital D | June 08, 2006 at 12:24 PM
I read your feed, so I don't see if other people are commenting. I did read that letter and think it was quite powerful--almost poignant--and I figured other people would say that. Perhaps I shouldn't count on them?
(The garage door probably *is* a rain thing - related to humidity and the expansion/contraction of the door panels.)
Posted by: pjm | June 08, 2006 at 01:03 PM
It does often feel voyeuristic.
I really enjoy your letters to people.
Posted by: will | June 08, 2006 at 02:26 PM
Me too. Do you ever write something and direct it to a person you 'know' to be reading? Bolgging is so cool!
Posted by: | June 08, 2006 at 02:49 PM
Its not so much the "spying" on someone - its that we all have had the same feelings! We all have had that same awkwardness, the same yearning to desire something. Then to have someone write those feelings on paper and you READ them and say "Oh my GOD, I have felt that way!" That is really powerful stuff. That, is material that makes one think, and sometimes cry.
Posted by: DivaGirl | June 08, 2006 at 04:44 PM
Thankyou!!! This has been on my mind for the last few months, as it relates my own blog: Is it boorish or self-indulgent to share a bit of the true person writing the posts?
I sometimes hesitate, thinking that like you aptly pointed out, maybe I should be posting about leaky toilets and bread-and-potato concerns instead. Reading your perspective on was very affirming to me...validating the pursuit of being 'real'.
I think PMJ is right; that although people might not necessarily give you as much feeback on these posts, that kind of authenticity is what draws people here, and creates a sense of shared experience.
Good for you!
Posted by: Katrina | June 08, 2006 at 08:04 PM
I am an ardent admirer of your writing. Personally, I don’t think these types of posts boring or self-indulgent. I think you give voice to many in that we, like you have almost the same feelings. It is honest. In Once upon a time you wrote, “I didn’t know how to try.” A simply sentence that explains a lot, it says much more than ‘sorry’ could. What you write stays with me long after I have read it. And sometimes I reread it, so that it stays a little longer. Most times with posts like these, at the end, I’m just left speechless and reflective. You're an amazing person.
Posted by: Trevor | June 08, 2006 at 10:22 PM
Another thought on the garage door - could be that one of your neighbors has one that operates on the same frequency. And what appears odd times to you is in fact someone else coming and going.
Posted by: | June 09, 2006 at 03:10 PM
What a wonderful time to be alive, eh?
Posted by: Willie | June 11, 2006 at 01:17 PM