Big Paper Session, Part 1

A week ago, instead of doing yoga together, Neighbor came over and the two of us did big paper.  The topic was how I'm feeling -- this unfamiliar combination of overwhelm, tenderness, longing, and vulnerability that I've been playing defense against, or submitting to, or swimming in these past few weeks. 

What emerged on the big paper was three main topics.  One is writing -- I'm feeling stuck, like I'm not making progress, and ashamed and mad at myself about that.  I need structure and feedback.  I need a coach or an editor, deadlines and assignments.  I need milestones, and I need to get myself more confident about the business part of writing.  I think I know a fair amount about the craft of writing, and I have a sense of how to do various kinds of projects, and how to learn and get better.  But the business end, the querying and the pitching, I shrink away from.  And without it I have nobody else who cares what I've written or when, and without a sense that what I am doing matters to anyone, or to the world, I feel pretty drifty and aimless and depressed and unproductive.  It's a lousy feeling.  But there are some pretty clear avenues to explore to shake it up and transform it.  It doesn't feel hopeless.  Just hard. 

Comments

[Michael J.]

What a great, couragous, series of posts.

[Bill Altreuter]

My law partner and I have been doing freelance writing-- we broke in with a regional glossy, and have been having fun with a regular column, some features and profiles. Our legal training means that we are used to writing quickly, and on deadline, and this has helped to get us some assignments.

As much fun as it is, and as much as it is the fulfulment of a long held fantasy for both of us, it's a tough dollar. We've been looking around for other places to submit things to, and find that the search is nearly a full-time gig as well. In general it has been our experience, in this as well as in practicing law, that persistence is the only thing that works. I have no idea what you are pitching, but you really are a terrific writer. Given your wide range of interests it really probably is just a matter of finding the right venue for what you are interested in saying. Hang in with it, and don't be shy. Nobody gives anything worthwhile away-- you have to bang on doors, and shout to be heard.

[Eleanor]

First of all, I think it's a huge achievement, and testament to the strength and depth of your personality, to even face these issues head-on, let alone blog about them. Brava.

Secondly, somewhere in the Big Paper posts I noticed the word "ashamed" popping up fairly frequently. It looks like shame about your needs or perceived weaknesses is a big ol' stressor on TOP of the primary stresses about work, love, and PDEL. And it reminded me of that post a while back where... a psychic? I forget... said something to you like, "If you saw someone treating a child the way you treat yourself, you'd step in immediately and stand up for the child." And she meant, you can be pretty hard on yourself.

If it's feasible, you might want to consider therapy to sort through these issues. You're doing a pretty darn good job already, through introspection and the help of your friends, but professional therapists can help by giving you valuable strategies and thought exercises to work with, as well as simply listening.

It's tough. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to break these enormous problems into smaller tasks, and you'll emerge. And no matter what happens, you have a cadre of readers cheering for you. Yes, even in the depths of unhappiness, despair, worry, what have you. You're inspiring.

[Elle]

Hey, I found your blog when I was googling ideas for writing exercises (there's a big short story competition coming up that I really want to enter. Sadly, though, the river is dry inspiration-wise). I read a few posts and was moved enough to leave you a message.. You are a fantastic writer and what I saw of your blog was really thought-provoking. Good luck with your future endeavours.. - Elle, New Zealand

[Dissertation help]

Interesting peace of fact about the Neighbor who came over and the two of us did big paper,although the picture is pretty interesting to see.