Stay of Execution: Big Paper Session Part 2: Love

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Big Paper Session Part 2: Love

The second area that I'm feeling lost and sad about lately is love and loneliness. I'm longing for a partner these days, and that's hard. I used to feel ashamed of this wistfulness, or like my sadness or my wanting meant that I was somehow "incomplete." Like wanting partnership is an admission of co-dependence or simply an unwillingness to be alone or to work on my own issues. That's crap.

It's kind of ingrained in pop psychology though: Why do you want someone else? You must not be comfortable with yourself. You should focus on self-improvement, and not wish for someone else to save you. Sorry, Oprah, or Dr. Phil. I'm not going to swallow that. I'm reflective, and I'm independent, and I like my life. And, I want to be treasured and adored, I want someone to curl up with and tell about my day, to cook dinner with. People in stable long term relationships are happier than people who aren't; this is one of the findings on happiness that's pretty clear. So I'm sick of hiding that I want this, or apologizing for it, or thinking I need to go back to working on myself, and just hope that if I make myself a better person "it'll come when you least expect it," as well-meaning friends chant incessantly. I've got plenty of work to do on myself, to be sure. But I'll always have plenty of work to do on myself. It would be nice to have someone to hold hands with as I walk the path.

I feel like my friends have all hopped on a ferry and it's leaving the dock, as they enter or proceed along with these happy intimate domestic partnerships. And every wedding I go to, sweet as it is, reminds me of my own longing, and what I don't have that I want. It's hard, sometimes, not to think that something's wrong with me. There aren't a lot of circumstances where I want something, and have for a while, and can see lots of peers and friends attaining it, and can't seem to manage it myself. I know we can't compare, and yet, geez. Can't we draw any inferences from the fact that I'm an outlier in my peer group? It's hard not to feel ashamed of this failure.

On the other hand, I have also watched acquaintances jump into relationships that seem from the outside strikingly wrong. I feel pretty clear that I'm happier alone than with the wrong person, and that I don't want to be driven by loneliness into a relationship just for the sake of having someone sitting beside me at a wedding. But I don't know what's reasonable compromise and what's "settling." I don't know what lessons to draw from the misfires -- the folks I feel excited about who don't seem to feel it back, and vice versa. I don't know what to do or change, what to adjust or open up or close down. I just don't know.

Posted on July 31, 2006 | Permalink

Comments

I've only got one clear sign of settling: when you think about what you like best about the person, and "he loves me" or "it feels so nice to have someone to cuddle" is what comes to mind. Those have to do with the need being filled, not with the person doing the filling.

Wanting something and not having it is extremely hard. We're all programmed to get out there and conquer! Waiting is difficult. Pop-pscych is silly. But what troubles me about the whole thing is the role of luck and timing in one's existence, which doesn't fit my control freak personality. Giving up control of something that matters to you is great training for being married, if that is any consolation to you. It generally isn't for me. ;)

Posted by: Elfie | July 31, 2006 at 02:57 PM

Whoever (or is it whomever? you're the smart one, For me it's what-ever) anyway, THAT PERSON who invented the phrase, "It will happen when you least..." should be shot. And anyone who repeats it deserves nothing but a cold stare and a "Too bad you can't get drunk on martinis on any old weekday you want..." head toss. Both extreme measures I would not normally recommend. But both also VERY warranted. Sheesh y'all. Stop saying that!

Posted by: l. | July 31, 2006 at 08:01 PM

Ok, here's what I think on this topic: I, too, go through feeling some shame from time to time for "needing" someone, exactly because of that popular concept of having to get yourself all lined out and perfected before adding another human being to the mix. Bull. If we all did that, we'd all be alone until we died. We are always improving and learning new things about ourselves and making stupid mistakes. Why should we be alone through that? Why is being alone more authentic than being together with someone?

I started realizing what I wanted was not *just* a romantic relationship and partner, but the feeling of a family - of having someone always who loves you and who wants you around and who is fun to talk to (and who will sometimes be annoying) and who you brush your teeth with and plan family vacations and complain about the always-running toilet. I kind of submitted to the idea that you can't expect bliss all the time, but you can expect contentment; and inviting someone into your life requires compromise on a daily basis. Do I want my house to look perfect? Or do I want to have people in my life? Do I want to have my way all the time (as far as schedules and what to eat and how to spend my time)? Or do I want to have people in my life? I had to distinguish my goal (having someone in my life) from the sense of "settling." So what if I'm settling a bit? Don't we all "settle" on some things out of necessity and choice? Have you "settled" on living where you live? Couldn't you go somewhere else if you really wanted to? Couldn't you have a different life if you really wanted to?

Of course. But does that mean you have settled? And if you have, is that a bad thing?

Authenticity with my partner is very high on my priority list. Do I feel I'm being authentic with this person? I've rarely had that in the past. In fact, I really think this is the first relationship in which I feel I am my authentic self.

Even though I used to date a lot of pretty boys and different, romantic types and fun, interesting men, I had this ideal swimming around in the back of my mind: Mr. Bhaer, from Little Women - the man Jo finally meets and falls in love with, and who shares her dream to start a school for boys. He's tender, he's sensitive, he's bright, he's affectionate, loves children, has a big poofy beard, supports her desire to write, kind of comes across as a lumberjack and renaissance man (to me, anyway), plays the fiddle ... but I always thought that was impossible. I'd have to be living in another century.

I really had to determine what I wanted; how I wanted my life to look in ten, twenty, thirty years.

And then I made a concentrated effort to meet a man who would fit this life. I don't believe in hit-and-miss, meeting at bars, or leaving it to fate, or even having a friend introduce me. I have done that; and I don't trust it.

I imagined myself at 35, at 45, at 55 and what partner I wanted sitting in the chair next to me; how I wanted him to treat me, how I wanted it to feel.

I went online to meet him. And somehow - I just still flat cannot believe it - I found my Mr. Bhaer. And I know it sucks when you hear me say that, because -- I know how I used to feel when I'd hear about other people finding a someone. I just have to say I believe in making a concentrated effort; I believe that, like pursuing a law degree or pursuing a dream job or a writing assignment, if you want a family, and a love in your life, you need to define it and set about determining how to meet that person. And realize that means splitting your soul a bit; farming it out, giving some of it away. And realize that there is not just "one." And also realize there are going to be times when you're with him where you think, "jeez, being on my own was easier, less stressful, more predictable." But that doesn't mean you need to be alone; it just means you need to carve out your own time and not apologize for it.

And giving away part of your soul isn't as bad as pop culture would make it sound. Because you're really not losing it - you're just sharing it.

I think we are so set up to fail on this. "What if this person isn't the ONE?"

I've given up on "the one," but I don't consider that settling - I had a goal, and I have achieved my goal. Do I want to pick it apart and scrutinize every potential weakness of it? Or do I want to step back and enjoy the big picture? That this person has great affection for me; that this person fits more of my criteria than I ever thought possible (even if he doesn't like coffee or other hot beverages, which at first I saw as a big red flag... but why did I care about that?)

My cancer had so much to do with this. I now really know I'll be dead someday, in a way I never understood or felt in my gut before.

After I am dead, this choice won't matter - will it? Will our children look back and wonder why it was him and me, and not someone else? Will others in my life think I could have done "better"? Will I be judged for settling, for giving up possible adventures and fun, single-type activities?
Will what's left of me, my soul, my spirit, will it be disappointed in the life I led?

What will be the criteria by which I am judged?

How do I judge other people? Usually by how happy they seem, how fun, how excited - or by their lack of happiness.

To be happy, to be content on a daily basis is the goal. Not to spend each day wondering about the future or the past or the other possibilities.
And if that is the goal - then I determined I needed to start seeking it out and not let another day pass.

I really don't think you can leave it to chance, but our society still pushes that idea. "It will happen, when you least expect it." Blech.

Everyone needs a near-death experience. I am convinced of that. Okay, it's late, I'm babbling.

Posted by: Deb | July 31, 2006 at 11:28 PM

In fairness to Oprah and Dr. Phil, they often are speaking to people who are in bad relationships and lack the emotional strength to get out. In fact, one half-wonders whether Oprah is *too* self improved. She doesn't want to get married to her "fiance"; she just wanted the commitment evidenced by his proposal and doesn't think traditional marriage would work for her. (Which is great -- I know several people, including hetero couples, for whom it doesn't -- but perhaps a sign that she's not someone whose advice a woman who does want to marry should follow.)

Anyway, my bit of unasked advice is to remember to
a) let prospective romantic interests see some of your vulnerability, and not 100% pretty smart funny popular athletic happy-childhooded Scheherazade; and
b) not talk about it on here until you're married (so we can send presents). I have half a superstitious belief that you can jinx it, and half a worry that guys who are interested might be a little scared off by your having a widely read personal blog in which they are even tangentially a topic.

Posted by: PG | August 01, 2006 at 12:27 AM

And also realize there are going to be times when you're with him where you think, "jeez, being on my own was easier, less stressful, more predictable." But that doesn't mean you need to be alone; it just means you need to carve out your own time and not apologize for it.

... Thanks for that, Deb.

Posted by: a | August 01, 2006 at 10:53 AM

This thread must have taken great courage and faith in your blog community to start, and has generated some awesome comments. We're pulling and praying for you and hope that when you find the right relationship that your partner will complement you on and off the water and not be afraid of all the folks who'll want to celebrate you as a couple.

Posted by: Pat | August 01, 2006 at 11:33 AM