Synciti opines that the writing around here is suffering, lately. I agree. I'm blue, still, and writing about that seems too risky -- either too vulnerable, or too likely to cross into indulgent whining or a plaintive wail. That's the voice I'm scared of unbottling, and right now it's filling my head a lot. So I don't open up out here about the tenderest moments and write instead about the other things, and maybe something about that doesn't ring true. I'm less open to magic right now than usual, and that means I can give less of it to you.
I don't want to write for an audience. I write better when I don't worry what you guys might think, indeed when I forget there's a "you guys" at all. May go back to a paper and pen for a while. I dunno. Or I'll fumble along here, trying to write some sort of truth without it getting too indulgent. I'm not sure I'll succeed. I'm not sure I can plan that all that well, or that it will improve things here if I worry about it. Still, I do. It's hard not to remember that this site comes up when anyone -- family, friends, employer, prospective dates, enemies -- Googles me. It's hard to keep being brave, especially when I feel less strong than usual. I feel soft, and sad. That's not the best self that I want to project here to the world. It's scary.
Blue or not, know this: you're a fascinating person - in the flesh, and on your blog. Not every day can be an "on" day for your writing. That's ok. As to the effect that the blog has on those who read it and may impact your life - anyone who's going to dig you on whatever level is relevant will accept what you write. Blue or otherwise. Those who have a problem with it were the wrong matches anyway.
Posted by: | July 23, 2006 at 08:41 PM
It's not the writing per se -- you have an occasional gift for a well turned/felicitous phrase or for capturing a moment before it evaporates into the ether but instead it is the rescission of an unspoken pact bloggers have with their readers. The pact you have made with us -- your critical readers not just the approbationary chorus which populates the comments section of your blog -- is that you WILL take risks, you WILL put it (whatever the elusive it is) out there in a public exchange for our attention and interest. Too late to turn back now.
Posted by: Synciti | July 23, 2006 at 08:48 PM
I'm not sure if Synciti is pushing a self-improvement angle here, but it seems like you could turn back from this alleged "pact" any time you want. Blogs wax and wane with our moods, our seasons, our joys and sorrows. Worry only about your blog in as much as it's a reflection of your creative life.
OTOH, if you want the comments to push you, then yeah, sure, let's pile on. WTF already? Our attention and interest demand BETTER!
Posted by: Michael J. | July 23, 2006 at 09:58 PM
I feel differently - I still very much enjoy and look forward to reading what you're writing.
Posted by: Jill | July 24, 2006 at 01:00 AM
I need to express some discomfort with how these comments lean. I'm not sure what your deepest motivations for writing here are, but my understanding is that this blog serves as an outlet for your writing and through that an understanding for who you are. The source of my discomfort is the appearance that some come here demanding that you entertain them, revealing a still prevalent voyeuristic nature of the blogosphere. I think you should take risks, as appropriate to your thoughts and feelings, but you should not be too much compelled by your audience. You will end up serving some more than others, and yourself not at all.
You're a wondeful writer. Eventually, all these dark clouds will dissipate and your sun will shine again.
Posted by: jb | July 24, 2006 at 01:22 AM
I've been feeling somewhat soft and sad in my own writing lately. We have our ups and downs, and we share, and somewhow things work. Yeah, I joke sometimes about how I have to get online because "my fans" need information. And sometimes, I do feel an obligation.
But mostly, a blog is about the blogger, not the fans. If you get tired, and you need to shut down for a while, I'll understand.
But I would definitely miss you and your comments, and your completely individual way of relating to the world and relating your world to the rest of us. Even though I have never met you, you're still someone I think of as a friend I might meet with for a chat over hot, possibly-caffeinated beverages. Or you might be someone at the sailing club who could help me with my rather esoteric boat, to which I am a newcomer seeking advice.
For that matter, for many years I have wanted to take a vacation in Maine, and your blog postings have created vivid images in my mind that have added to that desire. I just wish I could convey my deserts and mountains with the immediacy with which you convey your coastlines and coffee shops.
Don't give in to the perception that you are supposed to provide entertainment. Tell what you see and feel. Those who don't find you entertaining will just go elsewhere, and that's just as well.
Posted by: Carol Anne | July 24, 2006 at 03:54 AM
I started reading your blog over a year ago. Your writing inspired me to blog. I'm in a place now where I am wondering if I'd like to show my blog to the people I know. Then I ask: will I start writing for them or for me? I write for me, always. I share what I want to share. Write on - share what you want to share and share what you are scared to share. I'll keep reading.
Posted by: Melissa | July 24, 2006 at 07:05 AM
I think one of the gifts of your blog is that it reflects you. And I bet you have storms of emotion, and the climate of your genes, and the growth of your soul like all the rest of us. Things change, thankfully, and sharing it here, whatever it is, is a joy.
[My earlier comment needs a smiley face after the last paragraph. I'm not big on piling on....]
Posted by: Michael J. | July 24, 2006 at 07:33 AM
Hugs, Sherry. Don't worry about us guys out here. I have shut down my blog more than once when I felt vulnerable and wanted to be "alone" with my thoughts. (Times when I was down, or when I wasn't sure my blog was serving MY needs any more or after a breakup when I just felt raw and needed privacy to process.)
All I'd suggest is, if you say anything, say you're taking a hiatus (don't say you're done blogging, just in case later you change your mind). Come back when/if you feel like it. No one will judge (and if they do, poo poo on them!) -- you can either post saying you want a hiatus or you can just stop posting. It's up to you.
I think you have to determine what kind of part your blog is playing in your life; if it's causing you guilt and you're self-censoring a lot or worrying about your audience, maybe take a break. If it's providing you a good place to write, then go on with it. You have to gauge what good it is for you.
Hugs and hugs again. I love your blog, and if you take a break, I'll still come back, read old posts and never feel that you're doing "us" a disservice by your recess.
Posted by: Deb | July 24, 2006 at 08:16 AM
What is this "pact" Synciti mentions? What a strange way to feel about writers, that they "owe" readers something!
I think it might clarify things to distinguish two kinds of writing, the one that you're rightly suspecting might be self-indulgent at this blue time, more suitable to a private journal where your purpose is to clarify and process your own feelings. This is very different from the other kind of writing, whose purpose is to engage an audience.
I'd be wary of calls for more "risk-taking," especially from people who don't distinguish between different types of writing as part of the discussion.
Posted by: ML | July 24, 2006 at 10:08 AM
Sherry, I am sorry that you've been feeling blue lately. One of your initial posts a couple weeks back about this situation actually made my heart ache for you.
That said, I still have perceived your more recent "summer" posts as reflecting the more hectic & less reflective life that I think dominates the life of many Mainers in the late June-end of August summer period.
Living in Vacationland has many benefits. (I'm not complaining.) But, in my experience, this summer period brings unique weather, lots of visitors, lots of visiting and the upending of routines and schedules that work for the other almost 10 months of the year. It's a different time -- often spent with different people and/or activities (and without some of the people and activities that fill your life the rest of the year). If all of this happens while you find yourself somewhat blue, it can be hard to be a spectator to other people's summer schedule.
The good news is that in a land with four seasons you will feel and experience a change soom. I hope that the transition to our next season brings you renewed happiness, time for reflection and great things to write about. In the interim, take as much enjoyment you can find in the remaining weeks of "summer/Vacationland" season -- even if it it doesn't give you a whole lot to write about here!
Posted by: jen | July 24, 2006 at 11:25 AM
Is Synciti one of the vandals on whom you have vowed revenge? I take it as a sign of running scared. Don't back down now!
Posted by: hilllady | July 25, 2006 at 09:35 AM
And everyone who reads or writes should be cautioned by the limitations of the blogosphere; this isn't full-bandwidth, face-to-face conversation, and isn't tempered by the norms and expectations of the "real world". Misunderstandings and unspoken clashes of expectations will happen. And, ultimately all we readers are guests here and should conduct ourselves as such; anyone who wants to make the rules can get her or his own blog easily enough.
Posted by: Pat | July 25, 2006 at 04:19 PM