More Wedding Debrief

Nice things that people said to me after the ceremony:

The wedding photographer said, "I've been doing this for 12 years, and I've never been to a service full of so much genuine laughter.  It was great."

A bunch of people told me they cried.  And people told me that although they could see my tears, my voice didn't waver, and I seemed strong and full of confidence.

The bride's sister's boyfriend came up and told me he liked how I tied in the cheesy chorus of the Foreigner song into the homily, in a meaningful way. 

My friend Elizabeth's husband said, "That was so personal and heartfelt.  And I know that doing it was an act of courage for you" [because, of course, I'm full of my own wistful longing, and over the course of the summer sometimes being around people who have found their partners makes that sting a little more acutely for me].  He said, "I find that whenever an act of courage is happening in a room, it elevates everything, the whole experience." 

Four or five people said, "Wow -- will you do my wedding?" or "So now you've got a new line of work, I bet." 

Here's a copy of the service, with names taken out....Download Service.doc

What I would do differently, or fix:

The microphone was tough.  I would try to practice holding a microphone and my papers better.  I would practice the sound better.  When they were saying their vows, folks in the back couldn't always hear them. 

I would speak my homily more times, and change a little bit of the language.  Some of it came from a letter I sent to the bride and groom when they got engaged, and it was written to be on the page, not to be spoken.  I think spoken language should be simpler -- less complex sentence structures, and more repetition.  I tried to do that at the beginning, lots of parallel structures and repeated words, to give people a satisfying sense of order.  I could have done it a little better.  And I needed to say it even more.  It would have been fantastic not to have had to have a page, but it was amazing how the words flew from my head when I was standing there with the bride and groom beside me.  I needed the page. 

Did I slam the groom too much in the homily?  I don't think so, but maybe I could have described his change differently.

I would have micromanaged a couple of things a bit more: one person didn't get the message that she needed to sit in a different seat, the procession was a bit slow to get going, and I think I could have smoothed both of those things out with a bit less delegating.  Same with the musicians who were playing the music for the march in and out: that could have gone more smoothly. 

I should have discussed a toast with the girls ahead of time.  As it was, I think it went great.  But I didn't realize how pooped I would be when the ceremony was over, and so I was really unequipped to improvise and help organize the girls' toast. 

There were tons of people I didn't get to talk to, and I should have found a way. 

Comments

[Stephanie]

Congratulations on leading the wedding of your friends! That is a big deal and you should feel proud no matter what flaws you might see after the fact.

[AdriftAtSea]

Also, don't be too hard on yourself, after all this was the first time you've ever officiated at a wedding.

WOW! what a heartfelt, meaningful, personal, beautiful ceremony! goodness! did you write all that? it brought tears to my eyes! your friends are lucky to have someone as eloquent as you unite them in marriage. what an unforgettable ceremony!

[Ryan]

Sounds like a wonderful ceremony. The homily was beautiful - it was very inclusive and very personal. I might've been a bit skeptical about having a non-"official" perform the wedding, but you were able to make the ceremony much more personal, which is something wedding ceremonies often lack.

[Carol Anne]

I would repeat previous advice not to be hard on yourself. Even experienced people have things happen to make the wedding less than perfect.

Right after Pat and I set the date for our wedding, the pastor of the church got struck by lightning, and while he survived, he wasn't able to officiate, so we had to go with the relatively new associate pastor, whom we hardly knew. Then for the wedding itself, my aunt and grandmother went to the wrong church, and so the pianist had to play "Time in a Bottle" over and over again for 25 minutes until they arrived.

Every wedding I've ever been to has had its slip-ups. You live with those.

And I will have to say that the ceremony that you did was far more meaningful and heartfelt than what Pat and I got, with an associate pastor that I barely knew and that Pat didn't know at all. You spoke to your friends, both the couple being married and the guests attending the celebration, and you did so honestly and personally. I especially loved how the vows were phrased: "Do you joyfully enter into this marriage as an equal partner, and do you solemnly accept its rewards and obligations?" The joyfully and solemnly are absolutely perfect, and the equal bit is essential.

Yes, you definitely have a talent for doing weddings. The key, in your case, is that, in order to do a good one, you're going to have to spend a good long time in an interview with the couple to absorb enough of them to make the ceremony meaningful. But I'm sure you can do that.

[terrilynn]

That was absolutely beautiful. I don't even know any of the people involved, but the love just shimmers from the page. And the Wendell Berry poem was exactly right.