Secret Lives

I subscribe to the school of gym etiquette which consists of minimal conversation and eye contact (e.g. "are you using this mat?" or the occasional nod), and surreptitious observations of others made from the treadmill or obliquely in the mirror.  So although I've been a regular at this gym for a couple of years, I don't particularly know any of the other patrons.  That doesn't stop me from having rich imaginary relationships with the other gym goers.  I keep track of certain people, and imagine where they go and what they do when they're not at the gym.  Some of them I like, and some of them I dislike, based on nothing more than their posture and their exercise routine and whether they take too long at the water fountain. 

There's the smiley blonde puppydog guy, who is an employee.  I like him, although I don't get the feeling he's too bright.  He got married sometime this summer (a wedding ring appeared) and I worry a little about him.  I fear he's a little bit too young for such a serious commitment, and it will end badly. 

There's Hardcore Blonde woman, who Neighbor and I do not like.  We do not like her at all.  She is very hardcore, with her iPod and her squats.  We haven't seen her around lately, and this morning we speculated that she's training for the marathon.  We saw her running around the boulevard one day, with a sweet looking golden retriever, and even that didn't warm us up to her.  We hold hardcore blonde woman's hardcore-ness against her, even though the Red-Haired Chick is equally hardcore.  And we like the Red Haired Chick.  We like her a lot.  She's the closest we have to a gym friend, because we always smile at one another, and sometimes we chat a tiny bit.  We do not understand why the Red Haired Chick seems to be so friendly with the Hardcore Blonde.  Sure, they share an interest in physical fitness.  But the Red Haired Chick is warm and great and fun, and Hardcore Blonde is an ice queen. 

There's the Queen of the Gym, a statuesque brunette who seems to know everybody and has a royal demeanor.  We like her, but have never exchanged words with her.  By eavesdropping in the ladies locker room when I was brushing my hair and she was putting on mascara I deduce she had a recent job interview, and I spent the whole day rooting for her.  I have decided she works at the Giant Insurance Company.   I can't decide whether the interview was for a different position in house, or whether she's thinking of going somewhere else. 

Queen of the Gym is pals with the tall, diffident pool and hot tub salesman (a job I proudly decided must be what he does, unless maybe he sells snowmobiles).  She also seems to be friendly with the big stockbroker guy who wears the Texas A&M visor.  I like the hot tub guy more than the stockbroker, although the stockbroker is a bit more sociable.

There are some loners: Groovy Older Lady (I like even though she sometimes breaks off and does yoga moves in the middle of our weightlifting class, which is very distracting).  There's Hot Older Man, who's impressive with the pull ups, and who I've decided is a history teacher for some lucky high school class somewhere.  There's the Floppy Haired Realtor, who Neighbor and I hypothesized was an orthopedist until I noticed his smiling face on real estate signs around town.  There's the willowy Doe-Eyed Travel Agent who never breaks a sweat.  There's a Cameron Diaz lookalike who is now in our PowerFlex class, who is a little bit young and endearingly klutzy, which makes me like her, but who is also irritatingly off tempo, which makes me not like her.  There's pervy Moustache Guy, who peers shamelessly in at the women lifting weights.  I think he's a telephone repairman.  There are the Giggly Muslim Women in their long headdresses and skirts, who I haven't seen in a while.  There's the Button-Nosed Girl, who I don't like very much, and her husband, who I suspect of being from the midwest.  I imagine that he does a lot of accomodating in their relationship, and she a lot of bossing around.  There's Blue Sweatshirt Guy, who very efficiently never makes eye contact with anyone.  Live and let live, that's how I feel about Blue Sweatshirt Guy.  The guy's got his own thing going on.  Unlike Green Sweatpants Guy, who is a little too impressed with his own physique for my tastes, and should be taken down a notch.  There's something a little bit off about Green Sweatpants Guy, like he might have a bunch of guns in his garage or something even weirder going on. 

If the doors to the gym got barricaded shut and we had to live together for a month or two, I would get right to work forging my alliances.  First one voted off the island: Hardcore Blonde! Then, Pervy Moustache Guy.  Me and Neighbor and the Red Haired Chick, and maybe Blue Sweatshirt Guy, we would make it to the final four, in my imaginary gym survival reality television show.      

Comments

[Weeble]

*smile*

[Eleanor]

Ha! This post made me grin.

[Jill]

Hee hee!

[Dylan]

This the best post you will ever write. It's all downhill from here.

[Kat]

Fabulous post! (I second that Dylan)

[bill]

What Dylan said.

[LM]

hehe...i do this at my gym, too. :P

[turboglacier]

See, Sherry, this is why I don't go to your gym.

It may also be why I have never yet been to my own gym.

[Tim]

You're not alone with this. The next step is to come up with secret names for your cast of characters, and to have a gym buddy you can share the names with. And, um, to help you make up stories about them. For example, at my gym, we've got "Spike" - who appears to be your typical meathead (who may in fact be a sharp guy, I'm just going with the stereotype here) and "Britney", who really looks like Spike's dream girl. I hope they get together.

[Kyla (aka friend of Mr. NBT)]

I second Bill and Dylan. And, I would like to add, it made me laugh out loud in the middle of Panera bread. I especially like the "forging the alliances" bit. Good stuff. I, too, have people I like and dislike at my gym. Funny how some observations (i.e. about button-nose and her hubby)are very personal and probably dead-on. It's amazing what you can tell about people without really knowing anything about them. But it's also a dangerous temptation, seductive like righteous anger. Anyways, I look forward to reading more and I refuse to believe it's downhill. :)

[wab]

This post is hilarious. You might think about how it would develop into a short story.

[rob]

This post reminds me of "A Miscellany of Characters that will not Appear" by John Cheever. He won the pulitzer, so I'd say you're in good company.

[will]

I clicked the comments to simply write "I LOVED THIS POST!"

I was happy to see the everyone else agreed.

[Nina]

Hey, that was an amazing post! I think you should publish it in some magazine - "Self" probably. You know, I guess everyone has those relationship in his gym to some extent:-) There was a guy, I've never noticed before, who practically jumped off my FAVOURITE eliptical training machine when he saw me, with the words, "It's yours, it's yours, I know how you like it"- guess in his mind I'm an "elliptical chick":-); there are 2 "Tall Blonds", who run 5 miles a day, and I always thought it's the same one, until I saw them next to each other:-); there is "Oh, please - NO" a VERY talkative girl, whom I'm trying to avoid - unsuccessfully; there is a "Screamer" - very loud Indian guy, who developed a habbit of riding a bycicle and yelling on his cellphone. And in case, God forbids, he runds - you probably can hear it in Maine. I haven't been to gym for 10 days, and I miss them deeply:-)

[a]

Sounds like it's time to rent The Breakfast Club again!