Why I'm Not Writing Much

How come I'm not writing on the blog?

Maybe it's because I'm still off kilter.  Maybe it's because the thing I'm paying most attention to, this relationship with NBT and what it feels like and what it means or doesn't mean and what it's doing to my head and my heart, is off limits.  It's off limits because it doesn't seem prudent to write about it (what if it changes, and it's not what I've described, or what if I do a bad job writing about it and he reads it and by my words I create a misunderstanding where none existed, or what if I make assumptions explicit and they turn out to be wrong or misguided, or what if I screw it up or embarrass myself here in front of all y'all, or what if by writing about it I reveal all of my neuroses and bizarre thinking patterns and everyone realizes how nuts I am and stops loving me?), for myself, and because even if I were feeling reckless and imprudent and heedless of the possible implications for me, it feels kind of disrespectful to him, now that I've met his family and his friends and know that some of them read it. 

Everyone living has an audience.  We know that because we gossip about other people, and we speculate about their relationships.  Maybe you don't do this, but I do, and everyone I know does, to some degree or other.  At my best I'm kind hearted about it.  I reserve my cattiest gossip behavior for a person in my neighborhood who I don't know very well, and crane my neck from across the kitchen to get a glimpse of her coming or going, monitoring what she's wearing and who she's accompanied by and whether she's gained or lost weight or is wearing her hair differently.  Also the people in my gym get this sort of ungenerous speculation from me.  If you're a friend of mine, I tend to be much more generous and approving of the various developments in your personal life. 

Anyway.  That's how we all are.  But I have this extra layer of having an audience, that makes me a lot more aware of a particular aspect of identity and presentation and boundaries.  I'm really interested in intimacy and friendship and what is private and what is public.  That's probably why I have a blog. 

But it's kind of strange to have to think about someone else on here, knowing you people, with your beady eyes [my roommate moved out! and I didn't write about it!  there's surely a fascinating hidden drama there....] and your human interest in gossip, are out there.  I know what I'm willing to say about myself, and even about my own relationships.  But it's probably not the same as what NBT is willing to say, to strangers or to his family and friends. 

It's strange not to be writing here.  There's a lot going on with me, exploring an unfamiliar physical and emotional and social landscape.  There's homesickness and excitement and gratitude and restlessness and confusion.  It's good for me, in the way that weightlifting is good for me -- sometimes it feels good and sometimes it makes me sore and trembly, but in either case it makes me tired and stronger.  But I have to figure out a way to write about it that doesn't feel like I'm walking on thin ice. 

Actually, writing this post helps me feel a little bit unstuck.  Another thing that will help me is if you don't offer too much advice about my relationship with NBT in the comments.  Getting advice in the comments almost always makes me feel misunderstood.  Sometimes it makes me feel good, and always it gives me something to think about.  But I don't believe that I've given you as much information as you would need to give me good advice, so when I get advice on the weblog I often feel like you think I'm stupid, and like you think that my situation is a great deal more transparent and simple than I think it is.  Of course the possibility that I'm stupid and things are very transparent and simple is one that I consider often, and is probably true.  But in any case, the possibility that if I write something here it will be interpreted as an invitation to opine about my life and my decisions and to fill in what I don't tell you with assumptions and then advise me based on those assumptions, that makes me hesitant to write, at least about anything that's not solely an individual thing. 

Comments

[marci]

"Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler."

Albert E.

Maybe its time to shut-er-down and get on with your life and stop letting 'us' get you down, put you up, and stress you out.

By all means, don't feel obligated to continue telling us what you are or are not going to write about and why.

Do what you need to do for yourself, and if it means putting this blog to bed, so be it.

Non of us will (should) resent you for it. It's been a fun ride.

Take care of yourself... and do what you want.

[bill]

My advice to you is: don't take advice from us!

[Pat]

Life has its cycles, rhythms, moods, and seasons; so can and should your blog as it reflects the topics you feel a need to record, share, and discuss - - - or not.

And, like the subtlety of sail controls on the Etchells, you have many controls with which to shape revelation and discussion on your blog. Besides switching topics to something less tenuous or vulnerable or to something just plain fun and harmless, or removing an interpersonal relationship from the discussion, you can change the intimacy level, or you can throw the ball out to your community and let them run with some ideas, or just post some guidelines and delete any comments that stray off the reservation.

Or you could even turn the blog over temporarily to someone you trust, such as NBT or your family or crew members, as guest blogmasters / blogsitters.

Maybe 1:10 is right - the blog has run its course. Put it to bed and start a new one when you have something of interest to write or have moved on to a new lifestage. You're not helping yourself or what's left of your readership at this point. Your focus should be on NBT now -- opportunities like him must be incredibly rare in Portland - but I'm guessing you know that already - intuitively or straightforwardly.

Did the roommmate go all SWF on you?

[AdriftAtSea]

Glad to see you back writing...even if it is just to say why you haven't been writing.

[a]

Take care, and have fun.

We'll be around when you're ready. If not, new ones of us will. The internet is good like that.

[pjm]

Scoplaw had a great post a year or so, which no doubt you read at the time.

http://scoplaw.blogs.com/scoplaw/2005/08/blawging_the_da.html

Don't worry too much about your audience. I suspect that's not going to be a problem for too much longer.

[landlocked]

Check out Michael Kinsley's piece today in Slate -- "On the Internet Everybody Knows You're A Dog". A must-read!

[Weeble]

No worries. Be happy following whatever path is right for you. And thank you for sharing. I'm here because I value your thoughts and perspective, whenever you choose to share.

[Jill]

I strongly dislike getting advice from people on the internet, too. I like to feel connection. Advice feels a little bit like a put-down sometimes to me. Or like I'm being flattened - not a bumpy person with things that haven't been figured out or seen or understood yet, but like a flat character in a picture book. It makes me feel like Goofus or Gallant from Highlights.

[Louise]

Hello,

I love how articulately you have decribed your "feelings about you feelings". I for one, do not ever think you are stupid. This blog in particular has made me realise that I am not on my own when I have hopes, fears, little neuroses. Thanks you for being a lovely, and kind hearted human being :-)Keep NBT all to yourself you deserve him!

[Marci]

Whatever else one might think of "Posted
By," he sure is a dedicated reader.

"Feelings about your feelings" is what I
love about your writing here. Just keep on
going by your internal rudder--it seems to
serve you quite well.

[Bill]

There's a good quote somewhere about advice (something akin to the one about opinions being like a'holes, everyone's got one) but I can't seem to remember it. Anyway, it is entirely your right not to blog about NBT, and to ask your readers not to give advice. However, I should point out that you often ASK for advice in your posts. And the nature of your writing sometimes invites advice, merely by the fact that you describe things that strike a common chord with people. It's human nature to see someone struggling with something that you've struggled with yourself, and want to help them.

[turboglacier]

I sort of like Pat's idea of putting SOF into temporary receivership if you feel the need for a hiatus. Not that I'm volunteering. But I bet somebody would.

[Jodi]

I'm saddened by the comments with a nasty edge to them about your "audience," and its impending disappearance. Please know that many of your readers are like you, just trying to figure it out, trying to live thoughtfully and deliberately. My best wishes to you.

[Nina]

Sherry,

I'm always puzzled when I stumble across those nasty comments to your posts - as to what are they trying to achieve? why? Please don't let them get to you. and I enjoy reading whatever you are ready to share...Thanks!

I'm just sorta surprised everyone hasn't migrated over to your other blog! Best wishes to you, you deserve them!

Sherry has another blog? Would love to read it. If it's like this one - it must be very thought-provoking.